Advice/opinions on my marriage situation please?

[Hanginginthebalance]

Hi ladies (and gents!) this is sure to be a long one. This is my first post but I am more than aware I will probably get lambasted for this post and told I am a horrible person!

Hubby and I, together for 6 years married for 2.5 we have 1 DD aged almost 2.
Since I fell pregnant (which was immediately after the wedding) things have changed and gone more and more down hill. I have spoken to my mum and sister and they are great but tend to sit on the fence as they don't want to sway my decision. They won't. I'm a big girl now who can make my own mind up. Apart from this apparently!

First trimester, like most of us, I suffered with real bad exhaustion. I was commuting into London every day and working long hours so when I get home I would have a quick bowl of cereal and fall asleep and wake up at 9pm ready for the evening. This is when alarm bells started to ring. Well this want acceptable. Apparently I had a nerve to be doing this why was I so tired? Why couldn't I stay awake? All I do is sleep in the evenings!!!
Next, during the first trimester I bled ALOT, it was very stressful but no reason for it. It scared me and we didn't have sex. In fact I didn't have sex throughout the pregnancy (quite a few handjobs to keep him happy!) as I develope very painful SPD which resulted in me having a planned c section which I was actually very pleased about.

Day 1 home from hospital my daughter does not stop crying and will not go to sleep. He turns over in bed and says "what is wrong with that fcking kid" this hurt bad.
Long story short, my princes had severe reflux and multiple allergies. He didn't believe me that something was wrong until it was REALLY bad. GPs did nothing A&E did nothing. She didn't keep ever. Cried from light to dark. Projectile vomited always. After extensive research I found that going private was the only way I would get answers. He approved eventually only if I paid for it. So I ended up paying for all the private appointments. She needed numerous medications and things were better not perfect with her. Luckily she has now grown out of it. I have never had so little support in all my life. I had no sleep non. No family local no friends either. I was severely sleep deprived and dealt with a screaming babe 24/7. I ended up on anti depressants to cope.
He isn't the dad I thought he would be. He is impatient with her. Snaps at her and only gives her attention when it suits or in front of family/friends. The other night she soaked through her clothes into the bed sheets. He was doing the night shift. He changed her clothes but put her back to bed on pissy sheets!!!! I was horrified and gutted.

Everything about him is starting to get on my last nerve. He eats like a savage, farts all the time. His posture is dreadful his head is nearly in his plate when eating. He brushes his teeth once a day. I came home from work Saturday afternoon to find the place a shit hole and DD still in her night clothes and her pissy sheet still on! We've had crisis talks many times. But I think the rot has set in?
We recently went to an event and I admittedly had the hump. He was having a jolly up with is pals filling his face with food while I was running around after DD (who is also a high need toddler)tying to find a highchair and then before I know it all the food has gone and I was super hungry! We got home and he was pissed. Swore every word under the sun at me infront DD called me a cnt, a poor excuse of a wife an embarrassment etc. all because of my behaviour at the
Event. I just wanted some help!

These are all so trivial but they add up. I've been so honest with him about things and he does try change but I think I'm past it. I'm so resentful of him? I can't stand to have sex with him, he makes my skin crawl. I've told him I find sex difficult as I have so much anger towards him. He kinda took it on the chin. We've not had sex for months.
I just feel like I have an extra child to look after. My DD is very hard work and I have little support. I miss my family dearly who are 3 hours away.
I feel we would be better off just DD and I sometimes.

On paper I have everything. A nice car a nice home and no money worries. I work ten hours a week and look after our daughter full time, I don't go out.ever. He has a night out every week. My outlet is my gym time.

This post is very disjointed and probably makes not a lot of sense as its the first time I've put "pen to paper" and there is so much to say. Again none of us have cheated or anything bad it's just so many things built up. That I feel I no longer am in love. He's like a brother. Oh I should add he likes to tell me what I can and can't do (dying hair, make up, that kind of thing).

I will add he is very hard working but just damn lazy in every other aspect.

Thank you if you got to the end of this!

[Hanginginthebalance]

Thank you all so so much for your advice and opinions. I have taken it all on board. You've all been so kind and so helpful.

So it comes to the question (maybe for another thread!?) how the hell do I move on and out with no money!? I have credit cards which I can see as the only way out.if I decided to leave it would have to be while he was at work. I know that sounds cowardly but I couldn't bear the thought of how it'd go down!

[skyyequake]

Try going to your local Citizens Advice Bureau. They should be able to tell you any and all benefits you would be entitled to and possibly some practical advice on where you could go.

Would it be possible for you to go to a friend or family member until you can get your finances in order?

[keepingonrunning]

Not at all cowardly. Very very sensible. The time around actually leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE phone Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. I am sure they will have all the answers you need about accommodation, money, the steps you need to take to leave. They have heard from people in your situation hundreds of times before sadly.

[Dragongirl10]

hanging, please find a way to go it really is your only option, l agree go whilst he is at work much safer.

Find all important documents, passports, you and DD, pension/savings details even if in his name/ birth certificate/ marriage certificate/driving licence and anything else you can get.

If you have access to any bank account transfer or take out as much as you can and go to family or friends.

Good luck

[Stevefromstevenage]

Get out please, please. The guy is an utter toe rag.

[Hanginginthebalance]

Hello

Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I called WA who were incredible. The lady I spoke with was so so helpful and put me at ease with my options and situation.
So he's still been on his best behaviour & we've had chats in which he's said he is trying to change. Thing is I still feel the same.
My mum came up at the weekend. It just made me miss home so much but at the same time I want first and foremost to do what's right by my DD. I doubt my feelings and don't trust my gut? I wonder if I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage myself and our life? I've been reckless in my twenties albeit with no commitments and I just don't want to regret things should I choose to move on.

I know I don't have to do anything g immediately (unless of course his best behaviour changes) I just wish I could see a glimmer of my future to know that whatever choice I make is the right one. Feeling so sad & heavy hearted.

[Molly333]

I don't know about anyone else but I felt so sad reading that , sad for you and sad for ur child . Please don't stay I grew up with a dad like that and no matter how much my mum used to try and hide his behaviour from me I felt it . I grew up with poor self esteem and married a man like him . Finally I'm free and can see that my mum not leaving was pivatol to the life I lead . Please also do this for you , he treats you badly and u don't deserve it . Be free and one day you will both find love x

[Dieu]

You poor love

[keepingonrunning]

If you stay, your DD will learn to expect to be treated by men the way you are being treated. It will be her 'normal'. I don't think you want that for her, knowing how unhappy you are yourself.
Please give her a new 'normal' in which she is happier, respected and valued.
Her F's abuse of you negates the benefit she might have from growing up in a two-parent family. It's not your fault that you don't have a healthy relationship to model for her. You have tried your best to make it work but you can't do it on your own. I really worry for you that the best behaviour is an act your H can't sustain and Mr Nasty will be back before long.

[Hanginginthebalance]

Thank you for you replies. I've taken it on board. It's the weirdest feeling when you can't trust your own judgement isn't it? Second guessing yourself? Wondering if you're just being an over the top brat or looking for something better (although men are furthest from my mind!!)
I just want peace!

[Hanginginthebalance]

[FannyCabbage]

You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better xx

[keepingonrunning]

Read 'Blink' by Malcolm Gladwell.
You could look on learning to trust your instincts as something good to have come out of this bad relationship experience, as well as your DD of course.
Your gut feeling is telling you what is best for you. Don't let other self-interested people persuade you otherwise.

[CatBallou2]

Hanginginthebalance, your situation has made me feel very sad. Your partner should not be calling you awful names, disrespecting you and your DD, being so unkind, and making you feel this way.

I have no practical advice for you, but speaking as someone who grew up without a father, I'm so thankful that my childhood wasn't tainted by him, as he was very much like your husband.

I hope you'll trust yourself enough and wish you nothing but the best for you and your little one.

[Hanginginthebalance]

Thank you go your replies which I have absolutely taken on board. I guess I need to vent at the moment. I'm having a real bad day. I feel like I'm spinning 100's of plates. I'm very emotional. My 19month old is still waking in the night so I'm super tired. I work evenings also workout hard 4x a week. Make sure the house is clean every day and dinner on the table with minimal support. I know it's what most of us do daily but I'm doing it on my own even though I live with H. I feel sometimes I would be so much more organised on my own with my DD if that makes sense? Oh and throw into the mix I'm also studying too.
Sorry that probably makes no sense. I just can't trust my feelings anymore. X

[FetchezLaVache]

Vent away, OP!

Abuse so often starts with pregnancy (it did in my case!). You're vulnerable and far, far less likely to leave. He's absolutely following the textbook.

What you say about having all the same plates to juggle but no horrid husband getting in the way makes perfect sense! I'm a few years down the line from where you are now, but in my case it's been far easier to be on my own with DS than with him plus a massive emotional drain, criticising everything I do but never getting off his arse to do it himself...

In your position I'd be trying to squirrel a bit of cash away with a view to moving back to near my parents. Start looking into what you'd be entitled to if you left. I assume yours are actually helpful and sympathetic, just a long way away? Can you transfer your studies (or are you doing distance learning)?

[Hanginginthebalance]

Thank you Fetchez.
I'm trying to squirrel away some cash but my money often goes on extra essentials and bits for DD. Currently managing around £100 put by a month, not the greatest! I've checked what I'm entitled to and it appears from the Entitled To website, most things. Women's aid were great and would help me initially with regard to leaving.

My parents are great just a long way away! They are sympathetic but don't want to sway my decision.
Studies are predominantly distance learning so that's not to bad at all.

It's awful to not trust my own judgement or gut. As mentioned I've made some blinding mistakes in my youth, I'm just petrified of doing so again.

Everyone was so proud when I calmed down and settled down with H. I feel I would disappoint so many people. I often wonder if I created this situation and this monster (him). I feel it is somehow all my fault. But I also feel like I'm waiting for something to happen to validate my reason for leaving.
I don't want to regret anything but similarly I don't want to waste anymore time being miserable. I feel like a prisoner to my brain and his needs!

[Hanginginthebalance]

Also meant to say, I'm so pleased you are so much better off no without DH. Well done you. What was the straw that broke the camels back?

[FetchezLaVache]

When he repeatedly yelled "fuck you" at me in front of DS, then aged 2.5, because I wouldn't put DS in the bath in the precise (and frankly dangerous) manner ExH, who had bathed DS solo for the first time the week before, had ordered me to. Obviously this wasn't the first incident, and it took me a few more months to actually get out, but that was the moment I knew I had to get my son out of there, he mustn't grow up thinking this was normal.

Everyone who matters will be so proud of you for getting yourself and your daughter out of this situation. Nobody who matters will be disappointed. At least not in you. The only person who has behaved in a disappointing manner is your husband. No wonder you can't bring yourself to shag him!

[adora1]

Go back to your family OP, you do not have to stay in a miserable existence with this brute, and you are doing your child no favours.

Go home, you will then start to see what has been happening to you.

[rhopotomac]

OP, my husband hasn't done half the things that yours has but did completely change his behaviour when I was pregnant and I felt he totally took the piss out of me when I was at my most vulnerable...so I went to the estate agents, rented a property and left when the baby was 4 weeks old. To say he was shocked was an understatement (as was everyone else) because 'no one leaves with a newborn' but to be perfectly honest, I'd rather struggle with a newborn than be treated like shit, have no support etc.
He wasn't physically abusive, nor was he horrible to the baby etc., he just didn't help, became dismissive and actually horrible during/after pregnancy (saying things like "stop going on about feeling sore, millions of women have done it before you" at the one time I'd said I was feeling sore, 3 days post labour)
It was actually because I was pg/just had a baby that spurred me on to leave because I thought if you can treat me like this while I'm so vulnerable, what if something happened in the future where I actually really needed you... So really, the trust was gone.
I've now been living on my own for 18 weeks and honestly, it is hard work (and I had little money and had to partially use credit cards) but I feel so much better. Not walking on eggshells wondering whether he'll be in a mood when he gets in, not cleaning up an extra persons mess, deciding what I'm going to do with the day rather than having to factor him into it, not being shouted at because of trivial things like although the kitchen was clean as usual, I'd left the butter on the side and "it makes it look untidy" etc etc.
He's trying to get back together, trying to be helpful etc. but he'd have to do an awful lot to get me to go back.
Your situation sounds utterly revolting and if I were you, I'd leave. Good luck

[pallasathena]

If you are unhappy and just about coping with life then you need to leave sooner rather than later. I have an older sister who has 'put up and shut up', for the past twenty five years because she was worried about the kids not coping with her divorcing their dad. She has spent those years being dreadfully unhappy and now the 'kids' have grown up, moved out and moved on in their respective lives.
She is completely bereft and desperately unhappy and wishes with all her heart that she had left him and made a life for herself all those years ago.
Basically, that's your option. Stay and become increasingly unhappy. Go and make a new life for yourself. Or, and this is an option, seek some sort of counselling to help you to come to some sort of decision that you can live with long term.

[JoJoSM2]

Just re subotaging your happiness - you're doing that by staying with him. He does sound really nasty.