I have been re-reading old threads of mine because I need to get it in my head that actually, it's going to be okay. I thought the other side would be good. I knew it wouldn't be great, but thought I'd cope. Here I am, with a letter requesting some stuff from the house, and his handwriting has made me cry. I have dropped off the last of my children at university and am now wondering whether or not it could work as they're not here full time for him to have a go at. I know it can't, and even my son, who adores his father has told me I'm right and that things couldn't continue as they were, although apparently his father was very surprised at his latest arrest. He is on bail and only allowed to contact me through his nurse (he has mental health problems). I wasn't prepared for the trauma, in fact when it was suggested I laughed, said I'm strong, I'll get on with it. I'm in pieces. It's been a month and logically I know I shouldn't allow him back (if the police don't extend his bail). He won't change, he hasn't changed in 20 odd years, he's unlikely to know. Why do I feel like a traitor? Why do I feel that I have committed a huge treachery? The loneliness I expected, but the complete loss of purpose, overwhelming sadness and distress, lack of sleep, I wasn't prepared for that. The replaying of arguments/discussions and other things that just pop into my head hurts. The strangest thing is he has more of my headspace now than when he was here and I don't know what's going on. Maybe it's not having dds to look after and things to take my mind off it, despite the fact I am constantly cleaning, decorating etc. I think I need to go back to the doctors.
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