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Relationships

Leaving partner in secret

39 replies

Polarbearflavour · 21/09/2016 18:01

I've been with him 2.5 years and we live together.

I live rent free but pay bills and stuff, he won't have me paying rent so I can't take him to court and claim the flat is partly mine or something. I work full time.

He can be very sweet and supportive sometimes.

I do most of the housework. He expects me to buy specific brands of loo roll, handwash, washing powder and gets upset if I don't. I have to greet him at the door every night and listen to him talk about his day for 30 minutes. He drinks too much and comes home in a bad mood at least once a week.

He has on occasion looked at my text messages where I was moaning about him and his parents to friends and this caused a row. I have since changed my password and now delete any texts or discuss with friends in person!

He keeps saying he wants to get engaged but then he says rubbish like "well I was just about to propose but then we had an argument / I changed jobs / bought a flat..."

Sulks if he doesn't get sex.

Would it be awful of me to plan to leave but not tell him (as he would probably tell me to get out there and then with nowhere to go and be angry at me). He has never been physically abusive but I feel he is somewhat controlling...

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WombOfOnesOwn · 21/09/2016 21:13

I did it! My sister and I got out of our respective cocklodger relationships this way. Both of us had been cajoled and controlled into coming back post-breakup previously, but this time, we pooled our resources and rented a two-bedroom flat together for a summer. The three-month lease we signed kept us from having any inclination toward going back during the crucial first few weeks/months. At the time, both my sister and I felt our lives were going nowhere and we had little to lose by breaking up our relationships.

I packed an overnight bag (with a few things in it that were personally precious to me in case my ex had decided to get destructive of my property) and said I'd be spending the evening with a woman friend a few hours' drive away. I went to a different friend's house about the same distance away in a different direction, and upon getting there, told him via email that I would not be coming back, except to pick up the rest of my things, with a police escort if necessary.

He wept, shouted, begged, threatened suicide. My sister's boyfriend acted similarly. Without that sunny little flat my sister and I had leased and without our mutual support I doubt either of us would have had the courage to stay away, to say "no, I am worth more than you will ever give me."

We're now five years on from that summer. I'm remarried with a baby son and a fantastic job, while my sister is in a graduate program that will definitely yield a high-salary career after she completes it next year, and has a boyfriend planning to propose after she graduates.

And those exes -- the ones who pled, begged, cajoled, threatened? They're both married now, to seemingly lovely women. They seem happier, though I can't see into their lives.