DP son

[Bob19702]

First off I am a long term user of MN but name changed so I don't out myself ...
I have been seeing my DP for nearly 3 years we have a very loving and close relationship with the usual ups and downs life throws at us we both have our own houses but spend half the week together.
She has a 20 year old son who has always been a problem but seems to be getting worse , just a few examples he lost his job in February this year due to poor time keeping and no really being bothered about turning up to work and makes no effort to get another blaming lack of opportunity and feeling down and depressed, my DP and myself have been away on holiday twice this year and both times he has had a massive party and wreaked her house the last time smashing internal doors etc. He day consists of coming in at 3-4 am and sleeping all day. I have always tried to help him by getting job details to send applications but to be honest I don't think he bothers. He smokes weed lies compulsively and is constantly trying to borrow money off his mum , he doesn't see anything wrong with his life and is quite happy to sit about for the rest of his life and nothing is ever his fault he feels he is the victim.

Now the problem , she has kicked him out twice and he just sleeps in his car coming home with a sob story until she takes him back at first she would ask my opinion and I wasn't judgemental but told her exactly what I think she should do , lately it is causing tension between us because if I comment on the way he treats her then she thinks I am being nasty .
If it was her husband she would divorce him for mental and verbal abuse.
I have a son the same age who works is very respectful and I am finding myself not talking about him in case it looks like I am making comparisons between the two ... again this is causing tension.

Going forwards I would love to live together but cannot see it happening with the situation and it is cloudy my thoughts and feelings about where the relationship will end up going...
What do you think? .

[Bob19702]

He is having counselling but he often doesn't go , he recently told me it's easy to play the depression card to get out of interviews etc , he doesn't see that his behaviour is wrong it's other people's problem .

[SandyY2K]

His dad won't tolerate his crap then. So he goes to soft touch mum.
I'd tell him he needs to get a. MH referral, because either he has a medical reason for doing this or he's just horrible.

He'd have to choose which way to go and stop that emotional blackmail. He has nowhere to go yet he has the cheek to behave this way.

Your DP could do with counselling to work through this and that could give her the strength to stand up to her son. But if she keeps saying it's not a problem, then she won't progress or get any resolution.

[Bob19702]

Sandy his dad just tells her to kick him out , the DS blackmails her by saying he will live on the street or end it all . He can make his own dinners but she won't give him access to all the house due to previous occasions of stealing money , having friends round all day eating all the food and smoking weed while she works 10 hrs days to keep a roof over their heads. Apparently he has been a 'nightmare' since birth and she now blames it on MH issues .
I suppose I just need to keep my opinions to myself and swallow the pain when I see her so upset ..not an easy task .

[MUjunkie]

Funny isn't it, my son is not 15 (and believe me we've had all the horrible teenage crap for the last 3 years!) he seems to have turned a corner now but even through that (horrendous twatbag) stage he has always said "what's wrong with them mum? Why doesn't DP tell them or kick them out?" He knew it wasn't normal behaviour and he wouldn't be doing it at their age, and nor did he want to!

[SandyY2K]

A 20 year old can make their own dinner. He's not too young to do that and his attitude towards his mum stinks.

Does he have a dad in the picture?

If my 20 year old child was telling their friend was a bitch I was - I'd give themnotice to leave and find alternative accommodation. If they aren't gone by then, I'll have the locks changed.

I will not be spoken to and about like that. She let's him get away with it. There are no consequences for his behaviour, so he sees no reason to stop.

She's become accepting of the behaviour to the point she locks herself away in her own house. Kids very rarely become like this at 20. It's usually pushing the boundaries from teenage years or earlier.

The problem is she's in denial saying it doesn't bother her. If it didn't then why tell you. It's her coping mechanism. To act like it's no big deal.

[adora1]

I have strong family values and find it very difficult to hide my feelings ...

Me too, and the rage I experienced over it shocked me, turned me into a total nag and pain the neck, it wasn't until they left that I became me again, just not worth it.

[adora1]

And, like you, my own child is the complete opposite.

[adora1]

I totally get you, was in the same predicament!

At least you know it won't work, I did it knowing full well I probably wouldn't be able to stand it - the boy not working, not even looking, lying in bed all day, meeting him in his dressing gown when I got home from work.....drove me nuts, to the point I lost the plot! We are still together so it can be done, his son now lives elsewhere so we are able to be together but we've been a couple for 14 years.

Just stay as you are until you see a marked difference in his behaviour - hate to tell you but my sister's son just turned 23 and is no different to when he was 17, it's all very depressing.

You can still be committed without living together.

We are also late 40s.

[Bob19702]

That's sounds like us as I said previously I have two DCs who live with me so I have my solice, it just frustrates me so much that someone can treat a parent in this way ..I have strong family values and find it very difficult to hide my feelings ...

[MUjunkie]

This is the exact same situation I'm in with my DP and his 2 in their early 20s! I did live there but couldn't stand it anymore so I moved out. We are still together but just not living together...kind of like going backwards in the relationship lol.
I'm hoping one day he'll see what everyone else plainly does, but until then whenever I've had enough I just toddle off to my own quiet, clean and peaceful house!

[Bob19702]

Adora thanks for the great advise , like I say I love her to bits but could never live together in that situation. I feel that it will always be like this with him wanting everything given on a plate and that is where my problem lies , do we just 'date' with no commitment to the future or am I expecting to much ? Ps we are both late 40's

[adora1]

He's still a kid, not excusing his behaviour, in fact I blame the parents, my sister is in an identical position in that she enabled her son to become like this, it's not the right way to raise a child, full stop.

I've also been you and I couldn't do it, I asked my partner and his son to move out for exactly the same situation you are in, and you sound like me so I'd estimate it is never going to work out if you live together, been there, got the t-shirt.

She should not however be going to you with tales and then turn on you when you have an opinion, you will never win.

He will grow up one day but it may take a few more years, in the meantime, if I was you, I would full protect myself by not sharing anything financial with this woman other than date her.

[Bob19702]

Bit of an update and I am really at a crossroads, my partner told me last night that he 'kicked' off about the way he is treated with not having meals made etc , she locked herself in her bedroom to get away from him and she could hear him telling friends on his mobile so she could hear how much of a f'ing bitch she is etc ...I held my composure when she told me and she seems ok with the behaviour because it doesn't bother her ... I on the other hand is fuming and really getting to dislike him and everything he stands for with no work no money and a belief that nothing is ever his fault .....

[Bob19702]

Yes I totally agree with that and she does make it easy for him to behave like he is .
So do we just carrying on with our relationship with no future plans , I am very proactive and like to plan and know my future plans...

[SandyY2K]

Sounds like she's enabling his behaviour, but a child is harder to harsh with and you can't divorce your kids.

[Bob19702]

Thanks for the reply , she doesn't stop me talking about mine it's more me being guarded so I don't make her feel bad, She gets on very well with both of my DCs , I agree about the staying over it is a bit touchy when he comes home , but to be honest he stays out of the way during normal day time hours unless he wants something.. I am no mug or walk over and find myself getting more wound up by his behaviour.

[Northernparent68]

You are right, you should nt live together. If I were you I would nt stay at her house either, it can't be much fun for any of you.

I' d stop giving her your opinion and I'd probably tell tell her straight there's no point in her mentioning her son's behaviour if she's not prepared to listen to you.

I do not think she should prevent you from talking about your son, why should nt you be proud of him And want to mention him.