Really unhappy..please tell me whether this is normal and acceptable?

[Tomhardysmistress]

Okay I've name changed and ended up setting up a new account (didn't realise you could name change without doing that) sorry this post is so long. I've tried to provide as much info as possible to set the scene.

I am sitting here in tears and really need somebody to talk to. Can I please ask for a bit of hand holding and gentle advice...?

I've been married to DH for 22 years. We have 2 boys aged 21 and 14. We have had our ups and downs. We've been through a few bad patches but always have managed to work things out.
DH is caring, funny, unselfish, loving and can't do enough for me. Friends who have known us through the years playfully say that I've got him wrapped around my little finger. Because generally he can't do enough for me. I would also consider myself to be the same with him. There have been times that he has said that he feels lucky as I am so understanding and he has described me as his best friend. As I would him.

Three years ago, he demonstrated the love he has for me as I made a very big decision effecting the family which involved him making a huge sacrifice. I cannot reveal anymore info as the situation is quite unique and it would reveal my identify. I just wanted it out there that regardless I know how deep he loves me. People have told me that they are jealous about my husband being so loving.

We have always kind of bickered. He tends to have a dry sometimes sarcastic sense of humour and for many years I have found it difficult as there have been times that I have taken offence when I have thought he has been joking. My weakness,which I acknowledge, is that I can be very sensitive.

Lately, we just seem to not be able to be in the same room together. The bickering seems to have morphed into full on disagreements about anything and everything. He can be moody at times (as I can be) but has a tendency to storm off when we are having a disagreement and I am talking. His moodiness and storming off reminds me of one of the boys..not a 44 grown man! I am a "let's sit down and sort this out" kind of person and hate ending or beginning the day on an argument. He sometimes agrees to sort things out but the last couple of disagreements, he has said " you always have to have the last word on everything" Generally, he will apologise to me for snapping but sometimes he doesn't and things just eventually generally return to normal.

He has said some hurtful things which he has later apologised for. Things like "you are dragging me down" and "not everyone can be as perfect as you" he seems to say something along the lines about I feel the need to point score which I have no idea what he means by that.

If I ask him "what the hell is wrong with you!" And his reply is always "you!" So then I will say.. "Well if I'm that bad, why are you with me!"

Last weekend we had the worst argument we have had in the years we have been together. He said some really hurtful things involving the fact he thinks I am a complete nag at the boys and I am the cause of all the friction in the house. (DS2 is testing a few boundaries at 14yrs and I have been on his back a bit involving hygiene and homework) But My god that comment hurt and so I retaliated. He stormed off and didn't come home until Sunday night. I took Monday off work to try and sort things out. We made up but things are still not right. I feel that I am treading on eggshells and the slightest thing I say will result in an argument. So I've just held my tongue. I'm completely emotionally worn out by all this and I am starting to panic about the state of my marriage. I'm hoping it's just a phase and things will go back to normal but how long the hell do I handle this?

This morning he has arranged to go away for the weekend with his male friend, his son and our DS2 on a boys activity weekend. Last night we went to bed on bad terms again over something and nothing. I feel like he takes me the wrong way and he says the same about me. This morning he woke up all happy as he was looking forward to the weekend ahead. He was messing around with the dog and singing and I could hear him whistling in the kitchen. I came downstairs half asleep and commented that it was the happiest I had seen him for a long time. He looked shocked and asked me why I said that.So I just said (and I was careful at the tone in my voice) that lately he has been miserable and moody and feel likeI'm treading around on eggshells. He took it as a criticism instead of an observation and said "oh for gods sake don't start just as I am leaving to go away.. Thanks a lot." I tried to explain to him that all I was doing was making an observation and that he did ask. I told him that he just doesn't see it. He replied that he thinks that the issue is with me and he is just responding to me and my tone.

I just don't know what to do. What if he is right and maybe I have been the cause of the arguments? What if it's actually me that's been speaking to him like a piece of shit instead of the other way around?Short of pressing record on my phone next time a disagreement erupts how do I deal with this?

Is it normal to bicker and fall out whilst still being in a happy marriage?

I have the weekend to myself (DS1 is away for the weekend as well) and no one to turn to. I had made plans to see a friend tonight but she's cancelled so I am sitting here feeling drained, alone and sorry for myself. Ive just spent the last half hour crying and staring at the wall I just feel like curling up in my duvet with the dog.

[loveyoutothemoon]

I agree with the others. I would have just picked up on the positive thing (being really happy). Were you maybe resentful of the fact he was happy about doing something that you weren't involved in?

I think the time apart will do you both good to reflect.

[Cary2012]

I think there's more to this.

Do you think he is deliberately trying to pick these arguments, OP?

When he stormed off last weekend and stayed out all night this was because of a row where you say you retaliated. So perhaps you were hurt, lashed out and hurt him too? You took the Monday off work to sort it out, but say things haven't been right since.

I think there's resentment here on both sides which is eating away at your marriage.

If you both agree that ds2 needs the rocket up his backside suggested by school, ds2 should receive said rocket from both of you. If it's just you, then you're in the role of 'bad cop' and that's not fair. It's equally unfair of DH to use your 'nagging' of DS2 as a stick to beat you with, when he's privately agreed with you that DS2 is not putting in enough effort at school.

You do sound quite accusatory, and I agree you could have phrased things better. But what is done is done.

By all means try a more laid back, softer approach. But there's a fine line here, if he is trying to find fault, picking arguments to wind you up, you need to find out what is really going on with him.

Do you think he would consider joint counselling? Might help to sit down and discuss with a third party, so that the discussions don't erupt into rows and storming off?

[SandyY2K]

Your DS is 14 now too, so old enough to sort his own personal hygiene and homework, take a step back and let him take responsibility for himself.

In theory yes. I'm practice you need to be on their case. I have to keep telling DD16 to tidy her bedroom.

[randomer]

maybe he is angry about " the thing" whatever it is

[NNChangeAgain]

I guess I just so want things to go back to how they were.

I just wanted to point out to him how he has come across lately..

These two things are mutually exclusive.

You had the former this morning - you had a happy, whistling, stress-free DH, and you could have built on that, joined in, credited each other with some positive energy and love before you spent time apart.


But all the while you want to achieve the latter, you will be unable to move forward back to where you want to be.

Write it off. Draw a line. So what if you think he's been grumpy and critical lately? Start afresh, begin to credit each other again and leave the past behind you.

[QuiteLikely5]

I think that something big is bubbling under the surface. Must be more to this than you realise.

I wonder if your dh is thinking about calling time on your marriage?

[MatildaTheCat]

Very long relationships do go through sticky patches when you can't even remember why you ever liked, let alone loved the other person. A few days apart can be an excellent way to break the negative pattern and reset things.

When he gets home maybe give him a hug and say you've missed him and pleased to see him? Avoid going over and over old arguments, there's just no point and get back to the negative cycle.

[Tomhardysmistress]

Thanks again for the replies. Some good posts and food for thought.. Thank you. Just to clarify..

I wasn't/aren't resentful of the weekend away when I made that comment this morning. I am actually pleased he is spending time with his friend as friend is going through his own personal crap and my DH hasn't done anything like this with him for ages. When I said " I haven't seen you this happy in about 6 months" it was said warmly. It was only DH pushing for an explanation did it all go tits up. And had I known the reaction I would get,I would not have come downstairs!

The "what the hell is wrong with you" comment was said during (another) blazing row a few weeks ago and certainly not this morning. I mentioned that in my OP to try and explain how quickly things escalate. I genuinely am puzzled sometimes at what is wrong with him. He gets easily wound up by me and sometimes I feel like an irritation to him. Then I get annoyed that I am getting treated/spoken to like that and retaliate.

Last weekend was the weekend he stormed off. He ignored all my calls and texts begging him to come home and sort things out. I had invited my parents over for a Sunday roast but I made excuses and cancelled it and text him to say please come home and let's sort things out. Still I got ignored. He told DS2 he had gone to grandmas. (So I presumed his mums which is a two hour round trip) He told me nothing of his whereabouts.

I've had a lot on my plate recently. I've lost my best friend to cancer last year and it hit me hard. I still get upset when I think of her now. And I've also had my own health problems yes, again the C word. Not to come across as being selfish but I just could do without all these arguments. I agree that "the thing" could play a very important part. To those who have been actively involved in this thread, if you message me, I will fill you in privately. However, I understand everyone has probably better things to do on their Saturday night!

There could be something in the depression suggestion.

Finally....Andalucia thanks for your input, much appreciated

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

In regards to the big decision that involved him making a huge sacrifice you mentioned in your OP. How did that pan out? Do you think he's regretting it? Has the impact been bigger/lasted longer than envisaged? Sorry if it's not that, just trying all avenues.

[NNChangeAgain]

Not to come across as being selfish but I just could do without all these arguments

As my mother always said, it takes two to argue.

IT does sound as if you've both got caught in a cycle in which he's been snappy, you've been sensitive to it, and are retaliating, then he gets more moody, and eventually, both of you are on eggshells and can't take each other at face value.

You can't change him - but you can change yourself. Take a deep breath, draw a line and start from scratch. If he's moody, try to react in a different way from the way you have previously.

[WuTangFlan]

He's playing games with not letting you know where he is. He's blaming you for everything wrong in the marriage, possibly in order to justify leaving to himself. The "my wife doesn't understand me" script...

Have you spoken to his mum to confirm he was where he said he was? I really hope I am wrong but the "cheaters script, Act 1" sounds very like your situation.

[user1471453601]

OK, I haven't read the full thread, but felt moved to comment on a couple of things.

I too walk, not storm, off in an argument with someone I love. It's not because I don't want to hear their point of view or that I'm disrespecting them, it's because I've got a nasty tounge in my head and in moments of high tension, not enough self control to not use it. I've done too much damage to too many people in my younger days to want to ever do it again.

The same with you wanting to talk things through straight away. I wouldn't be able to do this, for the same reason, my nasty nasty brain, I seem to have the knack of picking up which buttons to press, and not enough self control, initially, not to press them. I'd say things I'd regret afterwards.

It took my DD ages (46), to understand why I behave as I do. Like you, she is a much kinder, and more balance than me. No idea how I managed to raise such a wonderful woman, just got lucky I guess

In short, your DP May be behaving in this way to cause you less pain, rather than more

[Cary2012]

Above poster, I know what you mean about walking off rather than saying hurtful things that can't be taken back. But this man stormed off and stayed out all night, ignoring calls and texts, knowing that he was sabotaging a planned family meal. There's more to this.

[NNChangeAgain]

But this man stormed off and stayed out all night, ignoring calls and texts, knowing that he was sabotaging a planned family meal.

The OP hasn't shared what she said herself in the heat of that argument. Her DH my have been justified. She said she retaliated
"My god that comment hurt and so I retaliated."

What did you say to your DH prior to him walking out, OP?

[Tomhardysmistress]

To the poster who mentioned whether or not he really was at his Mums last weekend.. Yes he was. Not a shadow of a doubt. I trust him completely. Also he brought back my watch that I had accidentally left there from our last visit.

To the poster who mentioned whether he could be gearing up to leave me..maybe so. I asked him outright recently and he said separating from me was absolutely not what he wants to happen. If what he's telling me is a load of rubbish then I wish he would leave me as I cannot carry on like this for much longer.

[Tomhardysmistress]

NNChangeagain

There was a period of time quite a few years ago that DH had trouble bonding with DS1.

When DS2 came along, DHs love and attention shifted to DS2 and DS1 was left baffled at why his dad was treating him differently. He was cold, unloving and just barked at him for years. This was an awful time as I just hated the unfairness of it all. As the boys have got older, things are fine between them now.

When he was talking to me in the heat of the moment about me being a nag and causing all the arguments in the house, I retaliated by bringing up the way that he treated DS1 years ago. Yes, that hurt him, but it was meant to as he was laying into me for my "parenting" skills. I know two wrongs don't make a right but this row started from nothing and had escalated.

[pallasathena]

You sound seriously stressed, unhappy and exhausted. You need to deal with each of these and understand where they originate from before you can get things back onto an even keel.

[NNChangeAgain]

When he was talking to me in the heat of the moment about me being a nag and causing all the arguments in the house, I retaliated by bringing up the way that he treated DS1 years ago. Yes, that hurt him, but it was meant to as he was laying into me for my "parenting" skills.

I'm not surprised he walked out, TBH - Im more surprised he came back. You were scoring points and intending to hurt him by bringing up something that happened, what, 14 years ago? He was raising a current issue in your family, and you call on something he did over a decade ago to make your point?

You both need to learn how to argue - at the moment it sounds like he is stonewalling and you are contemptuous and critical - which are 3 of the 4 Gottman predictors of divorce.

Have you considered a marriage course? I don't think therapy is necessary, but a group-based marriage workshop will help you both learn the skills to communicate with each other.

[Floralnomad]

Perhaps you could have some couples counselling ,that way you could both be honest but in a 'safe' environment where it's less likely to be taken out of context .

[randomer]

jump of the merry go round if you can...are you financially ok? if so...take some time out