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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Affair has ruined my life ..how to make it ok?

45 replies

Tearsneverdry · 12/09/2016 14:38

I posted over a year ago and got a pretty bad reaction and I deserved it but I just wanted to give an update really and ask for advice.
My best friend of 13 years,well she was like my sister,we spoke daily and went out all the time.
Yes we had little arguments but nothing major.
I had a emotional affair with her brother that turned physical and me and her had never been the same since.
She forgave me and said I had been stupid but told her mum who also said I had been stupid but we were ok,I still went over for tea and a chat with her mum and would help her out with shopping etc.
It was fine it was brushed under the carpet.
Until 6 months later he (the brother) went to his mums alone on nye drunk and started talking about me,asking where I was and to get me over so we could talk.
They had guests and they were terrified he would spill Everything and her mum took him to one side and said she knew and to keep his mouth shut.
Later in the night my friend got drunk and made a comment about me (she admitted to me she slagged me off) and him being drunk punched her.
The first I heard about this was in the Feb.
She hadn't spoke to me since nye,she blamed me for him hitting her.
She forgave him but for seem reason I was the evil one.
I went to her mums we had a takeaway and drinks and had a good night.
A couple of months later I met someone but she wasn't happy for me,I could tell.
Our friendship wasn't the same.
She told me not to comment about my boyfriend on her Facebook.
She said she hated him getting drunk incase he brought it up with her again.
She then just blocked me on Facebook and her mum then she got other people to block me.
I know I made a massive massive mistake but I don't undestand how it all came to this.
They forgave me until he hit her,then she didn't want him to see me or hear me,they just wanted to totally erase me.
I'm no saint but it was a huge huge mistake.
I miss her,I miss how we were,I miss everything

OP posts:

Report

RaeSkywalker · 13/09/2016 16:10

*on

RaeSkywalker · 13/09/2016 16:10

Dwelling in this isn't going to help you. Move on.

Tearsneverdry · 13/09/2016 15:37

Think I just want someone to whip their magic wand out and erase the last 18 months ..if only

OP posts:

Drbint · 13/09/2016 15:26

What exactly do you want people to say? You acted like shit. They all sound god-awful and are being horrible. There is no way you can make this ok and I don't see why you want to.

It's over. You're out of their lives. Move on and from what you've said here, I'd be grateful.

Tearsneverdry · 13/09/2016 15:12

And she's turned everyone against me ..her Aunty has deleted and blocked me (yet they no nothing so it will be some lies she's told)
Mutual friends have done the same ..so god knows what she is saying to them

OP posts:

Tearsneverdry · 13/09/2016 14:20

Me and her had good times regardless of everthing
He wasn't worth loosing a friend over ..

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 13/09/2016 14:11

Why do you even want them in your life?

Drbint · 13/09/2016 14:06

So? So what? What's that got to do with it? Your friend should forgive you being shitty because she is?

Two shitty people do shitty things.

Tearsneverdry · 13/09/2016 13:53

The thing is they would rather him stay together and drink himself to death than encourage him to be happy and my friend is no saint either.
She stole money out of my bag before and I forgave her ..she has a short memory

OP posts:

Drbint · 13/09/2016 13:44

I just think what we did wasn't anything against them.

That does not make it ok and you know it. Your friend's brother shat on his GF and child, risking everything, and you helped him - her best mate. That's horrible, and it IS also about her, because any fallout could have affected her too.

Either they tried to forgive you and realized they couldn't, or they've decided you're more trouble than you're worth - the ghastly brother is family, so they're sticking with him and kicking you out.

Nothing you can do now, no.

NewlySkinnyMe · 13/09/2016 13:40

Because you were a trusted friend and you broke that trust. You've asked for forgiveness and haven't had it. Move on. There are going to be much more important people in your life than this lot.

Tearsneverdry · 13/09/2016 12:56

I just think what we did wasn't anything against them.
My friend just made it about her as per usual.
Yes we were stupid but it's not like it was her boyfriend ..it was her brother.
Why should I beg for forgiveness ..I don't know if that makes any sense.
They don't even like his gf..or her family.
If it had been any other woman they wouldn't of batted an eyelid

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 13/09/2016 12:47

They forgave him because it's easier, he's their family.

Tearsneverdry · 13/09/2016 12:43

Thankyou for your advice.
I guess nothing else I can do now.

OP posts:

NewlySkinnyMe · 13/09/2016 10:04

If you cause that reaction in him then I kind of understanding why she wants to distance you from them. Not because of your actions but because he has issues. She has chosen to stick with her brother because she can't exactly cut him out as easily as she can you.

She is probably being cruel to be kind in a way. It's sad but you have moved kn, just be happy.

DioneTheDiabolist · 13/09/2016 09:47

OP, you can't go back. You knew you were risking your friendship when you began this affair and now it's gone. You can't fix things. You can't make it better.

All you can do is learn the lesson and move on with your life.

Tearsneverdry · 13/09/2016 09:15

He has a child ..once again I'm not proud of that.
We got together years ago when we were kids and my friend kicked off so we ended it before it even began.
They said he was a creep because I was like a sister to him (I wasn't)
Tbh I don't even like him anymore let alone anything else ..he fed me to the wolves.
I just wish I could go back to years ago..we actually all had a decent friendship.
We used to all go out on nights out and meals etc
We ruined it all.

OP posts:

paranormalish · 13/09/2016 09:08

So he has cheated ion his GF, you were single ! Sounds like there is a bit of blame transference going on here. When you got physical with her brother, why didn't it become a relationship?

Tearsneverdry · 13/09/2016 09:02

He was with someone - I'm not proud of that.
She didn't like us even speaking even when he was single tho so I should of known that I was playing with fire.

OP posts:

paranormalish · 13/09/2016 08:58

Hang on were you or her brother married to other people? If you were single why shouldn't you get involved? She sounds a bit unhinged.

Tearsneverdry · 13/09/2016 08:45

I'm happy with the new guy and enjoying being with someone who can actually be with me.
I just wish I could go back to how things were before it all happened.
I hate how things have become.
I feel like an outcast and this family have all done so much worse than this (you wouldn't believe the half of it) and he is forgiven and he raised hands to her ..
I should of known he always comes up smelling of roses.
Il never see the money I lent her now either..
I don't get how they can blame me and not him.

OP posts:

Offred · 13/09/2016 08:42

Oh it's you again....

Losing this friendship is just something you are going to have to put up with I'm afraid.

Yes it is unfair that she has cut you out and not him but what you should be feeling is really glad that you are extricated from this unholy mess of a family and that you didn't get pregnant to him like his long suffering girlfriend.

Just move on with your life.

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benbry · 13/09/2016 08:27

I'm sure that lots of us remember you well OP.

Move on now, you've burnt your bridges with the whole family. Get on with making a go of things with the new guy and make a new life for yourself. Cut out the drama, it's not good for you.
Good luck.

Tearsneverdry · 13/09/2016 08:22

Everything was fine for months after between me and my friend and her mum.
It was only after he started bringing it up and getting violent with her that she became distant with me.
If it hadn't been for him not letting it go then we probably would of been ok.

OP posts:

Lunchboxlewiswillyoumarryme · 13/09/2016 08:18

What did you expect? That you would all play happy families? It dosnt work like that..you were always going to loose yr friend the second it started...move on

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