What would you do

[kateshair]

Right I've been seeing a lovely man now for 14 months all was going well... He's kind, keen and almost perfect.
Here's the problem.. We went out last week to a christening his mates.. All was going well I thought lots probably too much alcohol was consumed I know I had lots as I be up dancing with ease lol...
Anyway he has this friend that was there think alpha male loud etc... This man I guess I didn't warm too but that's life isn't it. Well he must have picked up on this as he seemed to target me a bit saying are you alright ? And he put his arm round me at one point I moved it off and then he turned a bit nasty with me verbally all done in my ear music etc loud so no one could really hear it... This upset me and of course with the alcohol when we got back I basically had a bit of a go at my new man.. He has never seen me like that and now I feeling as if he is going to go off me !
Mums netters how you deal with this ? Tia

[Isetan]

Your partners friend is a knob and you did the right thing moving his arm but having a go at your partner for

This is not very clear, did your partner witness this man's behaviour? If he did and didn't support you, then yes you have a right to be disappointed. However, if he didn't witness it, berating him for not having eyes in the back of his head is ridiculous.

People pleasing is a positive sounding spin on describing somebody with very poor boundaries. I'd like to think that if a partner witnessed me being harassed by their 'friend' they'd intervene, if they didn't, I wouldn't be with them.

[HeddaGarbled]

The mate was out of order but that wasn't your boyfriend's fault. I don't understand why you are/were angry with your boyfriend.

So you had a drunken rant at your boyfriend and now you are worried he might have gone off you? Is that your concern?

How has he been with you since? Is he pissed off with you or oblivious?

An apology and explanation might smooth things over.

[JessicasCrocodile]

To be fair, I wouldn't want a random woman to put an arm around me either. Tho in my experience, they don't normally need to be told quite so firmly.

[JessicasCrocodile]

You handled the mate fine. I don't think it is okay for a random man to put his arm around me and will firmly say so if they do. Sod being all nice - I tried it for years and most people just thought I was joking.

As for having a go at your boyfriend - do you mean you blamed him, or do you mean you ranted about his friend to him? If the former you need to apologise lots. If the latter, just explain. "I know he's your friend but he did xyz that made me really uncomfortable. Sorry for the rant tho, I know it wasn't your fault."

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

And yes maybe he should have stayed closer to me

I don't need anyone to protect me

Which is it? You think your BF should have stayed around to protect you or not?

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

Why do you still call him new man after 14 months?

I agree with most people here, you've had a go at your boyfriend because his friend was a dick? I wouldn't want to go out with this guy again and I'd hope that my partner wouldn't either, but I don't understand why you had a go at him? If he invites the guy round for a BBQ by all means kick off.

Perhaps if you act in ways that cause problems when you're drunk you need to look at your alcohol consumption?

[TokenGinger]

It seems to be like you're making a big deal out of nothing.

A poster said you should have just said you were fine and walked away. You said you weren't fine because you didn't like him.

I don't quite know how not liking a person doesn't make you okay. Him coming over to his friend's girlfriend and asking if she was okay seemed like a friendly gesture. As for touching you, I'd do the same, I'd touch somebody's arm if I thought they didn't look okay.

It seems like you were rude for no reason other than not liking this man and then he turned a bit nasty. Which is unwarranted and he shouldn't have and I'd expect my partner to tell him what for. But as you said, nobody could hear so your partner would have been unaware until you wrongly had a go at him.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I dunno.

The arm thing would be something my DH would just expect me to deal with, like you did, neither of us would expect him to need to get involved.

If DH's mate then started having an angry rant at me, DH would definitely step in and tell his mate to back right off, even though I am capable of doing that myself. He would definitely be having strong words with his "mate" when sober too.

But you said no-one could hear what the mate was saying to you when he was getting abusive. So how could your DP have known there was anything to step up to?

I think you'd have been reasonable to have a rant about the aggressive mate to DP, filling him in on exactly what happened. I'd then expect him to tell his mate off, if his people pleaser tendencies wouldn't allow that then I'd rethink the relationship.

I don't see how DP did anything wrong that night if he didn't know that his mate was giving you abuse at the time. I think you owe DP an apology for kicking off at him over something he didn't know was escalating. You should also see what he does with the mate after that.

[SandyY2K]

Then you should have told him you weren't fine and walked away. You said the music was loud and that no one else heard him being verbal with you, so what did you expect your boyfriend to do, when he didn't realise anything was wrong.

You've already said you could have handled it differently if you hadn't had a bit much to drink.

You could have said, I was okay until you came over and out your arm on me without my permission. Then just walked off, without giving him a chance to say anything. But remember there are lots of idiots in life and you just need to know how to deal with them.

If this guy is a friend if your BF, you'll need to learn how to deal with him, especially as your man doesn't like confrontation. Some BFs would still contact their friend afterwards and say my GF told me what you said to her and you better leave her alone from now on.

Some BFs will just say, ignore him. My DH would say the latter and that's why when a family member of his annoyed me, I dealt with it head on. I told my DH afterwards and he just said, take no notice of him, he's foolish.

I know many other men would have had a word with the family member about it, but my DH avoids confrontation just like my dad does.

Maybe this isn't the man you want to settle with.

[kateshair]

Think the point is being missed here a bit ... I did stand my ground with the drunk friend ... Hence I removed his arm off me.. Then blanked him...
I don't need anyone to protect me 🙄... I'm just wishing that things were not like this .. My boyfriend is lovely but he is like I said a people pleaser ! And this is his mate !! Am cross as this mate was out of order.. End of the day these things happen and I need to move on from this ...

[WannaBe]

Hang on, so the friend was a bit of a creep, put his arm around you etc which you didn't like and you feel that your BF should have come in all white knight like and rescued you and when he didn't you had a go at him? .


Nothing wrong with not wanting the bloke too near you. Can't bear people who invade my personal space, drunk people even less. However you're unreasonable to have had a go at your BF for not rushing in to protect you. You need to be able to stand up for yourself, not rely on a man to do it for you.

[kateshair]

Like I've said I wasn't aggressive to my b friend I basically just said where were you !
Very odd that most of you seem to blame me

[Saltfish]

I understand. I would be very angry if my dp sat by and watched their friend bully me. Only because I would never allow my friend to do that them.

[kateshair]

The advice given here smacks of double standards... If I was talking about my partner touching me unwantedly I'd be hearing l t b...
Yes salt fish I blew up at partner as he didn't stick up for me....

[Saltfish]

Not to put Words in the OPs mouth but it was because he didn't defend her that she blew up.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I meant aggressive to your BF, not to the drunk guy. I think that's the real point here, you are saying you had a go at your BF because you were drunk. If roles were reversed and he was an aggressive drunk you'd be told to LTB

[kateshair]

Sandy why would I tell the other man I was fine when I wasn't ?
I have said already this man was your typical alpha male rough and ready ... He saw my discomfort yet still had a go at me

[SandyY2K]

I don't see why you had a go at your boyfriend. You could have told the other man you were fine and then shrugged his arm off and move closer to your BF.

Perhaps the man was just trying to be friendly. It's not like he sexually assaulted you and your boyfriend didn't come to your rescue.

Have you also thought that the guy also had a bit to drink, hence he loosened up and put his arm around you to ask if you were okay?

You're fine to make excuses for your behaviour due to alcohol, but not anyone else's.

Sisterly support isn't saying you're right when you're wrong BTW.

[kateshair]

Thank you spicey..

[spicyfajitas]

You showed you were bothered by it and the correct response from someone who is not an arsehole is to apologise profusely on seeing your discomfort . Not abuse you further. I'm sorry you were put in such a shitty situation. Please don't continue to blame yourself.

[kateshair]

My boyfriend like I said is a people pleaser... He would avoid confrontation always.. I would too normally but like I said I was pissed.
I just told him he was a people pleaser

[kateshair]

Yes spicey ! I'm normally like that conditioned to be polite...
My barriers were done as alcohol played its part..I'm just a bit cross with myself as i could have dealt with it differently...in that I could have still moved his arm but not shown I was bothered by it all. .. I over think everything anyway most people would just shrug it off...

[spicyfajitas]

I'm just wondering what happened before you blew up at your boyfriend. Was he not very supportive? Did he minimise the situation?
Really, if it was out of the blue, you apologise and ask for support in future. But if he expected you to keep things smooth with your friend , it's going to take a bit more working out between you.

[spicyfajitas]

I think the way you handled it would have been entirely appropriate for the situation. Only you you can read the situation you are in. Sometimes we are polite because we have been conditioned to be nice. Sometimes because it feels the safest way out of the situation. Sometimes someone needs telling very straight and I suspect this was such a man.

I hope your partner supports you on this and in future.

[kateshair]

Hmm thought I might have got a little more sisterly support