Have I done the wrong thing?

[HilarySquilary]

DP and I have been together for 6 years, he has lived with me for 2 years. My 16 y.o. DD lives with us, my 25 y.o. DS did too, but he moved out in March as he bought a house.

DP has two daughters from whom he is estranged, for many years. He previously lived with a woman with 3 children, and they broke up because he found the family situation too difficult. His partner allowed the children to be lazy and there was no discipline, according to DP.

We both knew this might be an issue when DP moved in, because I also struggle to set boundaries for my kids and they walk all over me. But we said we would give it a go and I did tell DP I probably could not change. I feel I have to be both mother and father to the DCs as there own father is a waste of space,

Nevertheless, The arrangement with ExH is that DD stays with him on.a Sunday, Mon & Tues evening. First of all he would have her on a Sunday which meant that DP and I could go out together for the day and have a couple of other nights on our own too. This worked for years, but now DD does not seem to want to go her fathers anymore.

This came to a head yesterday. We thought she was going to her dads so had made plans to cook together, watch Tv etc. then Dd sprang it on us that she wasn't going out and she had invited a friend round.

DP was very disappointed. Mostly he was disappointed that I did not put my foot down and tell DD that she cannot just change her arrangements just like that without thought for others. Also we have taken Dd on holiday twice over the summer and she has not been to her fathers for a month as he was away with his GF too

The problem is it feels as though DP and I get no time together on our own. But I am aware our house is DDs home and sanctuary and I did not feel comfortable to make her go to her fathers.

DP expressed how he felt, the went off to bed at 6:30 pm, telling me he is going straight from work out for a meal tonight at the local pub where many of his friends will be. I kind of don't blame him, but I feel I am between a rock and a hard place.

I feel if DP wants to move out now, this may be the best thing for him. I wonder about asking him to leave anyway, because this situation is causing me a lot of stress and I have been through hell and back with ExH 7 years ago and just don't want to live feeling worried and sick about whether I've done the wrong thing anymore.

However, I do love DP and we are very happy apart from occasional friction like this over my kids. I am not very good at relationships and don't know what to do or think.

Can anyone advise me?

[Moomintoes]

My dd is 7 and probably purely for selfish reasons I hope she would rather stay home some (most) weekends when she's older rather than going to her dads! However we have a good relationship with her dad and I would like to think we would discuss it where possible about the fact that she might like to stay home sometimes. I'd expect this to be so she can see friends as her dad lives around an hours drive away. At 16 isn't she older enough to stay home for a few hours while your dp takes you out for a meal instead?
It's her home too and should be able to feel comfortable although I also wouldn't be happy with late night cooking, perhaps a snack would be better in future but thinking back to when I was that age I probably wouldn't have considered my parents being woken up and just got carried away with being with my friend so a nice polite chat about it afterwards would do

[debbs77]

Not read all comments. But it is his home too. Your daughter is old enough to stay home alone and you and DP could've gone out for the evening.

She needs to give more notice.

He needs to grow up.

You need to set some rules

[Cary2012]

You say in your latest post that you feel torn. If you decided what boundaries you want and discuss these, you wouldn't feel torn

In your earlier post you said you used to clear up after DS to keep every one happy. But you weren't happy doing it, probably because you didn't want to rock the boat and set your boundaries.

You're way too passive. You have every right to set boundaries, to make your life easier.

The partner is a different issue, but again you're not taking control, you almost wish he'd move out?

Again what do you want? If you want him gone, tell him.

Be proactive and not reactive.

Then you won't have to pick your battles, because most of them will disappear.

[AnyFucker]

And to "half hope" he decides to leave anyway ?

I could never imagine feeling that way about my H. You are either pathologically passive and always wait for someone else to make the decisions or you are not much into him anyway. It's not normal to feel like that.

[AnyFucker]

You do seem a bit soft on your teens (picking up after them etc) but that is a separate issue to the fact that your dp sounds like a dick

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Aww Hilary, I really feel for you, your daughter sounds a very together young lady, and that's all down to you, you're a good Mum.
You may miss this man if he leaves, but you may also meet a truly lovely man, who loves you, and not himself.
Let him go 💐

[hellsbellsmelons]

See.. Your DD saying all that just shows you've done a fine job and he can feck off with criticising your parenting.
Just have another chat with her when she comes home.
Don't let her feel left out or any tension in your and her home due to some man-child who doesn't like kids.

[HilarySquilary]

Thank you so much, everyone, for your input. I seem to have such skewed views of relationships.

I have now seen DD, she was packing some things to go and stay with her dad for a couple of days. She said sorry she made the wrong judgement call about not going to her dads yesterday as planned, inviting her friend to sleep over without asking first, and cooking in the night, when I had specifically asked her not to make noise as it was a "school night".

I apologised for shouting at her in the night. DD was tearful, she said that she feels she is in the way. She said she sees that DP and I need that bit of time when she goes to her dads and she can see that she hasn't been to him for a month now.

I said that this is her home and that she is never in the way, and I hope she doesn't feel pushed out, but that everything had gone wrong yesterday, mainly because of people's expectations and not having their needs met.

DD said she understood, we parted as friends, and we both agreed we need a bit of space. Neither of us has slept well for the last few nights for various reasons and we were both very emotional. I think I convinced her of my love for her, that I will always be there for her. I did feel that she is angry with DP, though, I think she heard him complaining yesterday that his plans were put out and she realised he had got into a strop.

She could see that I feel very torn. I hope this has not irreparably damaged our relationship. Normally DD and I communicate well and are very close.

That means the house is now empty for a few days and I can deal with DP when he comes home from the pub. I half hope he will suggest leaving anyway, though I will miss him dreadfully. He did say a year or so ago when we discussed it, that if he did move out due to him not being able to deal with living with me and my children, the relationship would be over for good. This seems to be what he has done many time in his life, as he has no relationship with his children or siblings.

I think if he is upset, he just cuts off contact.

[HazelBite]

Your house was your Dd's home long before it was your DP's, she is a young adult, and your DC's sound pretty "normal" for their ages to me.
Flouncing off to bed at 6.30!!!!!!!!!!
He needs to get a grip, and no way should you accept any criticism of your parenting from him!

[MyWineTime]

He worked abroad for a long time and lost contact with them. He had his children when he was very young and I had mine when I was relatively old. So he parented in the 80's when things were a bit different.
This is a pitiful excuse. Things weren't that different in the 80s. I going to guess that he was older than 12, so was perfectly capable of taking more responsibility. Losing contact with your children is a concept I cannot even begin to understand.

I felt annoyed, and that me and my life don't matter to her, let alone DP's
I think you are being hugely unfair to her with this.
Do you expect her to refuse to see her friend in need, in favour of seeing her dad, just because she is supposed to understand that you and DP want some time without her being there?
Do you want her to feel like she is in the way?

DP says I have made a rod for my own back as his previous partner did
He shirked all responsibility - he has no right to comment.

It would be good to encourage your DD to clear up after herself, but she sounds like a nice enough kid, that shouldn't be too hard.

[CodyKing]

On a side note - your DD should be helping -

She needs a job list for after school

Put a wash on / fold the ironing/ sort socks / polish vacuum the living room

She lives there she should contribute!!'

Mine are early teens and I expect them to load the dishwasher and vacuum round -

I'm heading back to FT work and they will have more to do!

[category12]

Your dp doesn't like children and is estranged from his own - he's got no basis for criticising your parenting, or giving you advice.

I don't think living together was a good idea - surely it would be better if he lived somewhere else and you went to see him, stay over etc. Then you could parent as you see fit, your dd isn't bothering him and can be in her own home without it being an issue of invading your 'couple time' together .

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Hilary, you sound like a nice lady, who loves her family very much, but your vision is being clouded by your childish twat of a boyfriend. Sorry to be so blunt. If he leaves, you will be relieved of your stress, as will your daughter. She shouldn't have to think twice about whether it's okay to stay at home, instead of going to her Dads house. She should ask whether it's okay, for her friend to stay over, and in my home, the kitchen is closed, so to speak, after tea. Drinks, toast and snacks are fine, no cooking.
Think carefully Hilary, is he really worth it, 'cos your daughter is.

[HilarySquilary]

I think where I am going wrong is that I allow DD to live in the house and not contribute. For example, she does not clear up after herself, plates and cups for example, she leaves them where she likes. She doesn't do any chores, I even tidy her room for her, put clothes away, and I work full time in a busy job.

DP is old fashioned and he feels I should be asking her to do more in the house. For example, DP and I get up on Saturday, do all the housework whilst DD sleeps until 2pm. This rankles with him, but I am content to leave it because she does very well at school.

In a typical evening, DP goes to bed at 8 - 9 pm because he gets up early. He does not sit with DD in the living room because he says we watch rubbish on TV and DD controls the TV set. She has her own TV in her room but prefers to sit with me. When DD goes to her dads he will come into the living room of an evening and we watch stuff together that DD would not I.e. Nature programmes, whereas she only watches Disney films and teen American programmes.

Probably I should negotiate with both that things are done differently as only DD is having her needs met.

DP says I have made a rod for my own back as his previous partner did, but he understands and tries really hard not to get annoyed as she is not his child and he has joined our household.

My DS when he lived with us, was even worse, he would kick his shoes off and leave them on the floor, use several towels a day and throw them down and I would clear up his room every day. If ever I said anything, DS would get very defensive and angry, so I stopped tackling either of them to keep the home a happy one.

DS didn't pay rent either or do anything in the house to help, he had a well paid job hence he can afford to buy a house in SE England at the age of 25.

There, that is why I feel I am doing things wrong and have poor boundaries, also why I have some sympathy for DP. There were similar problems in my first marriage too, although ExH was abusive was the primary reason I left.

[doji]

Why do you think you have a lack of boundaries with your kids? Is this coming from your DP?

Neither of the examples you gave about your DD show a lack of boundaries/her walking all over you. She was a bit thoughtless, but I don't know any 16yr olds that don't have their moments (and to be fair she was trying to do a nice thing and look after an upset friend - even if she inconvenienced you in the process).

His reaction to this incident was disproportionate - I'm not even sure what you think you did wrong here?

[Naicehamshop]

Agreed lost.

[Whathaveilost]

I wouldn't allow cooking of a meal at 11pm,tbh

Even though I have already commented on the cooking issue I now think it is a bit of a red herring in the overall scheme of things.
I'm more concerned that the OP was having a perfectly normal relationship with DD ie, typical teenage stuff, changes of mind, a bit self centered and selfish at times but no real big issues but DP strops if he doesn't get his own way.

[Cary2012]

He stropped off to bed at 6.30 because he didn't get his own way? How old is he, 6?

He's estranged from his own kids? Of course he is, he's a big kid himself.

Take him out of the picture for a minute and decide if you would be happy with how your kids behave if he wasn't part of the set up.

If you still think that your kids need boundaries, don't just enforce them but sit down with them, as adults, and negotiate and agree.

If you decide that actually, if he wasn't there then the way the kids are is fine, you need to decide whether you want him around, enforcing rules that you don't agree with in your own home. I certainly wouldn't.

It's your kids home, and they need to feel that they are relaxed there, not in the way.

You and he can go out, book a hotel, have fun. But he really needs to grow up and accept the home for the way it is.

It's all about compromise, he needs to accept this.

If he comes back then he has to stop sulking and accept that they're your kids, it's their home, and he doesn't have the right to act like the biggest kid of all by stropping off when he doesn't get what he wants.

Most of all decide what you want, don't go along with what he wants just to please him.

[AnyFucker]

I wouldn't allow cooking of a meal at 11pm, tbh

[FellOutOfBed2wice]

Sorry OP but I think your partner sounds horrible. Your daughter must feel quite in the way, even if he isn't explicitly saying he doesn't want her around I bet she knows.

[Naicehamshop]

Good posts Lastrose.

I can see that things are not easy for you OP, but the way your DP is dealing with quite normal problems (when there are teenagers in the house ) is pretty worrying, as is the fact that he has no contact with his own children. As others have said, why don't you and your DP go out and spend some quality time together? Wouldn't that help with some of the issues?

[Whathaveilost]

We haven't had an evening to ourselves for ages, and I guess that is very hard for DP when he thought the deal was she is away 3 nights per week
But that's normally family life, especially with teenagers when you can't pack them off to bed like you could when they were little.

Also if these incidents are only once or twice a year that sounds like normal life as well so not a big deal in the scheme of things surely?

Sounds like a transition is going on and DD will be spending less time at dads. Just one of those things that'll you'll have to adjust to.

[TheLastRoseOfSummer]

Just make sure that negotiating doesn't look like anyone (DP or DD) sulking until they get their own way

The idea is that everyone comes away feeling that they have been heard and that they are respected.

If anyone insists it's unfair or has to be done their way, then they are being unreasonable. You have to have compromise when there are Adults and Nearly Adults living together.

Although, there is also room for basic non negotiables. Not everything has to be negotiated. It is your house afterall.

[HilarySquilary]

Thank you TheLastRoseofSummer, I see what you are saying. I will try negotiating!

[TheLastRoseOfSummer]

I don't see boundaries as telling people what they can and can't do. Not when the kids are teenagers and have generally got the good boundaries in place from childhood.

It's more about managing the transition from childhood to adulthood in a way that meets the needs of all people living in the house.

Just basic house rules are necessary anywhere where there is more than one person living there.

Everyone gets a say and then a compromise is reached. That's how it works. It's about negotiating.