Naughty guy from work

[Asia88]

I don't know what to do with this guy. He is good looking and active sort of a lad, comes to my office every now and again as mostly he works for another branch of business in London. We've gone to cinema together once and like to chat about films, he loves flirting with me but after a few months admitted he had a long term partner (not willingly and seemed somewhat embarrassed about it.)

I wasn't really disappointed or anything since what we had was nothing near any serious involvement just friendship really. However with time I can see he takes great pleasure in teasing me, would like to chat constantly on whatsapp and keeps on suggesting we exchange naughty pictures (I absolutely banned him from sending me anything even remotely naughty but he keeps trying.)

It's not really a big issue but firstly I feel really bad for his partner... Also I happened to get engaged in the meantime and start to think all this chat is highly inappropriate. Call me weird but I don't see any point of these conversations - nothing will ever come out of these (not sure what he is counting on?) and I wouldn't want my fiancé to see these stupid messages and possibly be hurt over this bloke.

I would have normally blocked him or just stopped responding to him but part of my role is to keep good relationships with his division as we cooperate remotely quite a bit. He is alright in emails and when making movie recommendations it's just these texts are weird and in a way I'm upset that he is using the dynamic to flirt with someone ten years younger and more junior.

[EstellaHavisham]

Pink I think the fact that she hasn't told him she is engaged speaks volumes. Why wouldn't she?
She is no better than he is.

[DaDman66]

I thought "cunt" at "Has a long term partner but flirts with me"

The rest just proved it.

Bin him. Tosser.

[harverina]

Ok OP, so let's look at it from another perspective. Would you be 100% comfortable letting your fiancé read the messages that have gone back and forward?

What you need to do is clear. I'm interested to know if you have deleted/blocked him yet.

[pinkdonkey]

Estella if I found out DH was in OPs situation and I found out someone had been sending him explicit photos my reaction would depend on how he was responding to these messages. If like OP he was ignoring the explicit nessages and only responding to the normal ones, I would think he was an absolute pillock for getting himself into the situation in the first place I'd be pissed off that he had not felt able to tell me about it, I'd be angry at the sender and I would insist he ended all non work contact. I wouldn't however consider it an EA.

OP I can understand how easy it is to end up feeling like you don't know how to get out of this situation whilst maintaining a professional relationship. I'm guessing you are:

a) a people pleaser who is worried he will be upset if you cut this contact. You talk about him telling you off for not participating and I think you are worried what he will say or do if you cut this contact. I think you also are worried about him getting into trouble at work and blaming you.

b) you are worried that he will cause problems for you at work if you cut all contact outside of work.

You have tried to get out of the situation subtly and its not worked, so you need to be blunt with him. Tell him you are engaged and you don't want to have any contact with him out of work and that if he continues to contact you you will have to take the matter up with HR. Even if you are not intending to do this, he doesn't know that. Block him on whats ap and your phone. He may be upset it will be a blow to his ego, but tough he is upsetting you now by what he is doing. I would also be inclined to discuss it with your manager if you have concerns about fall out at work, and to discuss it with your DP, especially if you think that he might try to cause trouble for you with DP by telling him in response to being blocked. I would be more inclined to believe your side if I'd heard it from you than if I found out from somewhere else.

[jeaux90]

OP I work in a male dominated industry. I find the best way to tackle this is to do it face to face and say something like "I think our communication/relationship is a bit off track and it needs to be maintained purely within a professional context. I hope you understand" smile nicely, walk away, then don't respond to any personal messages.

Don't take any of the judgemental points here to heart, just make the strong decision and move on. Good luck X

[CowPatRoberts]

Jesus, any chance of giving OP a break?? Feel there may be a tad bit of projection from some posters here, the OP is clearly uncomfortable with how things are and is asking for help. How is making bitchy comments like 'you're loving this' even the slightest bit helpful when you know the absolute minimum amount of context.

[EstellaHavisham]

I have to suggest that some of you ladies should read without prejudice and negativity on your mind.

Tell that to your fiance.

[Asia88]

@pinkdonkey Thank you for your message, I think I sometimes don't take these things seriously enough, I'm so accommodating and easy going I have a problem with knowing what is acceptable of other people to want of me and what is not. Perhaps I am potentially sacrificing too much to maintain a business connection as some posters pointed out and should be very firm.

I'm sorry re: the situation with your ex - I have absolutely zero delusions that I am anything more than some ad hoc ego boost device for him, so does sound like a similar scenario.

[Believeitornot]

Well you haven't overtly mentioned your engagement to him.

I know of no guy who would push it this far with someone who was attached unless they had been encouraged.

It's easy to break this off professionally:

"I'm not interested, and will ignore messages like this in future "

Job done.

[ChicRock]

You're clearly enjoying this flirtation.

It's really not difficult, it would be so easy to shut it down, but you don't and won't.

You're loving it.

[Asia88]

Sorry but I don't see why you all would say I'm enjoying the attention and encouraging him when I said nothing at all to suggest that.

I have to suggest that some of you ladies should read without prejudice and negativity on your mind.

I don't see why I should be blamed for his behaviour, where all I've been trying to do the last few months is to ditch him without being overly in-your-face-full-blown-piss-off about it to maintain some resemblance of a friendly professional connection.

please understand I'm not that person that you imagine I am through your negativity, and there is no point in your trying to make me feel bad for something I'm not really guilty of.

[Farfromtheusual]

I think telling him about your fiance might help for a start he's clearly under the impression you are still single like when you first met. The fact you haven't spelt it out for him, and the fact that you wouldn't want your fiance to see the messages also says a lot.

Be direct... "I am engaged and don't feel comfortable with the tone of some of the messages you are sending me. Can you please keep it work related/non flirty."

[harverina]

It sounds as though you initially went along with it and probably flirted with him too, but now you want it to stop and it's difficult to change the relationship dynamic because of your work situation.

I would block him and delete his personal number and if he brings it up tell him you lost your phone or something along those lines.

Put an end to it if you really want to.

[EttaJ]

You said call you weird. You're weird. You just love the attention and it's obvious. How would your fiance feel about all this. How would you feel if it was the other way around.

[Applesandpears86]

I don't think you need to invoked HR, to be honest it sounds like you're enjoying the attention and encouraging him!

If you're really not interested stop contacting him. Then you'll see if he's a real stalker/nuisance (and HR worthy) or just enjoying your attention.

[Buzzardbird]

There isn't a job that requires this sort of personal communication, not a 'legal' one anyway.
Stick to work e-mails, block him on any personal contacts.
If I were your partner, I would be furious with you.

[foodiefil]

You're just enjoying the attention.

It really isn't that complicated.

[Mittensonastring]

Due to a hobby I have I am in contact with lots of younger men, it's online gaming. I exchange many messages over an app and that includes pics of hobby stuff and we have swapped pics but all above board. The couple that have got a bit fresh have been blocked immediately.

[EstellaHavisham]

Pink so why is she continuing conversations with someone who she knows likes to flirt with her, concealed the fact he was in a relationship and constantly wants to show her pics of his cock?

If your DH was doing this with a colleague all the time what would you think?

[TheStoic]

Just stop responding. He will soon lose interest.

[pinkdonkey]

I think thats a little unfair Estella, she went to the cinema with him once, 2 years ago, before she met her fiance, before she found out he had a partner. His attentions via whats ap make her feel uncomfortable but shes scared of upsetting him by not replying (and potentially this causing problems at work). She never instigates non work communication. Yes she needs to get a grip and take control of the situation, but I think its far from an EA.

[doji]

Just block him. You are not failing to do your job by refusing to receive inappropriate texts from a colleague. He knows they're out of order which is why he is normal on email (which hr would have access to).

If he ever makes a big deal about it, just give him a non-comittal "oh there must be a problem with my phone, I'll take a look later" and change the subject. He'll get bored eventually and find someone else to massage his ego. It's not like he can complain to his boss that you blocked him from sending you dodgy texts on whatsapp!

[EstellaHavisham]

You go to the cinema with this guy and you contantly exchange whatsapp messages. He flirts with you and you haven't blocked him.
You are having an emotional affair to all intents and purposes.
Get a fucking grasp of yourself.
What do you think your fiance would say?

[pinkdonkey]

I seriously think you need to block him from any non work contact e.g. whats ap, your private mobile and email and any social media. He has told you he doesn't want you to use whats ap for work purposes (and to be honest I'm not sure why you would anyway) so you don't need to have that contact method.

You talk about him telling you off for leaving conversations etc. Its not his place to tell you off, this is harrassment, hes grooming you. You feel guilty not responding to his messages, and you feel guilty about the idea of him getting you into trouble. You need to end this and if he wont then get HR involved.

He's totally professional in his work email with you, of course he is work will be able to access them! Also they are evidence in a tribunal. Do you have a record of his inappropriate messages and pictures or do you delete them? These and your responses may be needed as evidence too.

He doesn't contact you for long perods of time, then sends you explicit messages. Sounds like he contacts you when his self esteem needs a boost e.g. row with partner. I had an on off relationship with an ex who I finally figured was just calling/using me when nothing better was on offer. I was the trusty fall back he used to boost his ego, sounds similar.

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

It's highly inappropriate of him to suggest exchange of pics, I mean seriously when did that ever become an ok form of communication between people.
But you don't know their exact communication for the last two years