Is it more important that DC live close to their father or..

[absolutelyflawed]

.. A couple of hours away where we could afford to buy a house and the schools are better?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

GloriaGaynor

I am not making assumptions about the OP at all, I have plotted a possible route of things that may happen.

I realise that you and others may think that these things will never happen.

But think of all the things that you have missed once and justified, then missed again and again, the premise is exactly the same.

[OnionKnight]

*Well I'd say he has several choices

• to give you more money so you can afford to buy/private school the child that needs it
  

• move nearer to where you are going
  

• deal with the travelling*
  

I'm sorry but the father doesn't need to do any of this, if the OP moves then she has to suck up travelling more etc, not him.

[Trifleorbust]

Is he a good dad and a reasonable ex? If so, I wouldn't. The only circumstances where I would would be where he was an indifferent parent (his choice) or he was making my life a misery.

[GloriaGaynor]

You're making some quite obnoxious assumptions about the OP Boney none of which are justified on the basis of this thread.

Lunar it's up to the children, the ex and the OP. It's certainly not up to you to lay the law down. The OP's in a difficult position.

[bluebeck]

Being closer to their dad is far more important than private education.

I agree with PP, if it's so important to you that you move, maybe you should move and leave the DC with their Dad, and then you can do the travelling and see them less. If it's OK for him then its OK for you, yes?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

GloriaGaynor

Its all very easy to say that its just one night
then it becomes just one weekend
then its because DD wants to do X sport
then its why should he stay at my house (inc I now have a partner)
then why should I pay for a B&B for him (two taken from the OP's solution)
then its but we want to go away that week/weekend.
Then its why is my ex a disney dad or why won't my ex look after his kids
and then I do all the hard work he,s not having them for Xmas.
and of course his partner is upset because he comes to us every other weekend.

Each bit makes the next easier to do and gradually remove him from the picture.

[BovrilonToast]

We choose a house close to my DSS's DM's house. We are five minutes away, I wanted to be close after my experiences as a step child. We could have moved further away which would make our lives easier for commuting but the DSS' come first.

My memories of visiting my father were the seemingly endless hours in the car at weekends to get to his house. He lived an hour away.

I didn't want that for my DSS childhoods.

[Lunar1]

It's one night a week being part of their dads home, nobody but the dad and children has the right to decide how important or valuable that time is.

Then what happens about weekend activities? If the op moves does the dad have to be the bad guy for not being able to facilitate them, same with friends parties.

[GloriaGaynor]

I'm assuming that if she wants to send one to a private school but not the other/s there may be a reason for this such as special needs. I don't think you can dismiss that without knowing the reason.

I think one night a week shared with 3 other children and gf isn't quality time. How much of his attention would they actually get?

[PapaverSomniferum]

Don't bother with private school, and put that money towards living within an hour of their dad. Surely there's an area between 'near him, sky high rent' and '2 hours away, can afford to buy and money left over for private school fees'??

I feel your pain, I really do - we could never in a million years afforded to buy where we were renting, and I was tempted to move far away where our money would have gone so much further, but it wouldn't have been fair on DD's dad, or on DD , to have thrown up that huge obstacle in the closeness of their relationship. We moved 45 mins away instead.

If he sees them every week for a night plus EOW, it would be very cruel to take them 2 hours away.

[liletsthepink]

Is there any kind of compromise you can reach? Could you afford to buy somewhere within an hour train ride from where you live at the moment? I don't think it's fair to move your DC a huge distance away but it would be awful to have to keep moving to different rental properties every year because you can never own a property.

[AgentProvocateur]

Closer to their dad, without question

[newname99]

My dsc mum moved far away and dsc are now late teen/young adults.They say it impacted their relationship with dh but so grateful that he made the effort. It was the subject of conversation just the other day! They have a friend who outwardly has lots of material wealth with her mum but dad lives far away and contact irregular.The girl (now 18) tells of how heartbroken she is.Only now does she understand the impact.

If you loved someone and was emotional dependant on them ( as young children are) how would you feel if someone made a choice for you to have a long distance relationship with them?

Dh & I moved to be closer to dsc, which was the only way it could work.We also chose an area that was commutable by train as that's been essential since teen age.

How far are you planning? Would direct transport be an option? I don't think you have to stay in an area you are unhappy about but is there a closer option?

If you can make the move with agreement from your ex that would be positive, the step children may become important to your children so factor in that as well.Its a tough decision but do'able with thought

[Dozer]

You can't possibly say what you/he would have done (eg where you'd live) were you still together. And things are different now.

can you really afford hundreds of pounds for your ex every other weekend?!

It is also perfectly possible for DC to have a good childhood where you are. Perhaps not the one you would ideally choose, but that's the case for many of us.

[AllPowerfulLizardPerson]

They should be near their father, so he can be on hand. As they grow, the access pattern might change, and proximity is important.

Your thoughts on what sort of childhood you want for them do not outweigh their right to a relationship with their father.

Perhaps you could look again at what elements you want to emphasise in their childhood - always remembering that it's the peop,e who matter most - and rejigger things where you are.

[Mummydummy]

We owe our kids a great relationship with both parents if possible and we will never be able to make it up to them if they lose out on a meaningful relationship with their father which could affect how they cope with their teenage years (much trickier than primary age), and the relationships they have as adults. I don't think long distance journeys, motorway service station handovers etc is kind or in the best interests of the children at all if they can possibly be avoided. Imagine a 16 year old and 14 year old happily doing that?

[NeeNahh]

Why don't you move and leave the kids? If you wouldn't wabe to do that then why is it ok to move them away from their dad?

[TresDesolee]

It's tricky and I feel for you as you're obviously miserable where you are, but weekly or near-weekly contact with their dad is priceless. As others have said, if you forcibly reduce that to once a fortnight you'll be forcing the relationship between your ex and his kids into a completely different shape. It will be much worse for all of them.

You and he might not see eye to eye but that's not really the point - he's their dad. Imagine how you'd feel if he announced that he was moving your kids two hours away and you'd only see them once a fortnight? You'd be heartbroken.

I do empathise - I continue to live somewhere I don't particularly like because it's where my kids' dad is. But IMO facilitating that close, regular contact is the best thing I can do for my kids' happiness and future relationships. Plus I just don't feel (given that he's a good, committed dad) that I have the right to take his kids away unilaterally to a new place.

As someone else suggested, can you talk to him about how you feel and ask if he can make more of a contribution - something that would enable you to get a longer lease, or help you to send the older DC to a school you think works for him/her? Or moving, but not so far away?

[Amelie10]

I think the one day per week is a small loss

QuiteLikely who are you to decide that it's a small loss for a father and his children. Very selfish attitude.

It's not fair to disrupt the weekly overnight stay and tack on extra days during holidays.
Also you say sometimes you will put him up in a place close by, but why should the rest of times be his expense?
No i don't think your reasons are really good enough to warrant a change in the kids and their dad relationship.

[Sirzy]

Can you not compromise on some bits to find somewhere a bit out from where you are but not as far? Why is that the only option?

[TeacupDrama]

Generally if you move away it will be your responsibility to take them to their dad's not his to collect them.

[Lunar1]

You don't get to decide that he needs to travel and stay away from home for his contact time. The contact time in the week is much more important than you allowing a bit of extra holiday time.

It diminishes his role as their dad and would likely push him into a Disney dad role.

[absolutelyflawed]

I have considered the negativity of extra travel time - thought about suggesting that sometimes he stays near to where we live ( at my expense). That way DC will actually get More quality time with him than currently, as at the moment they spend weekends with him in a large household with his new DP and her 3 kids. I doubt his new DP will like that but she gets to see him 24/7.

Is that a good suggestion or no?

It's tricky, I really don't want to break exh heart by moving away but I don't feel this is working. This is not the childhood I want for them. If we were still married I would have persuaded him to move to a different area.

[Dozer]

Relationship with both parents is pretty important too. OP has not said what the DCs' relationship is like with their father.