Self confidence issues

[Bestofthebest]

Hello. I'm a late 30s man whose closest link to parenthood is my much loved niece aged 1. So by all means tell me if you feel it is inappropriate for me to post here and I will respect that. I am having counselling for depression and shyness atm. I am lucky to have friends albeit scattered and almost all in relationships/having families now which I'm not. I had a pretty bad time when I was young as my father died and I kind of had to step in and help my mother and sisters. Lots of financial problems as well at that time and my relation ship with my sister has never recovered as she thought I was trying to replace her much loved Dad.
20 years on and I've a reasonable job, a nice house, some good friends but low self esteem and little relationships experience. I hate the way I look even though objectively I am ok. I can't bear to look at myself in a a mirror or have my photo taken. My colleague told me recently some of our colleagues were saying they thought I was gay. I'm not, but the presumption seems to follow me around and people seem almost disappointed when I say I am straight. Amy advice will be gratefully received. Thank you.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Well done for acknowledging you have issues and dealing with them.

I'd say keep up with the counselling. You are addressing the root of your problem and it's good to talk.

You sound lovely.

[Bestofthebest]

Thanks for your kind words.

[loveyoutothemoon]

What are your qualities?

[ravenmum]

Sounds like you maybe come across better than you think, so when people realise you don't have a girlfriend or wife they assume you must just not be into girls, as they don't see your personality or looks as being a problem.

Keep up the counselling, definitely! Are you able to express how badly you are affected? Can you tell the counsellor things you feel embarrassed about?

Maybe also look for some hobbies that attract introverted people you can relate to better, so you can find "your crowd". Rambling, computer gaming, watercolour painting?

[Bestofthebest]

loveYou qualities? I would say kind, loyal, intelligent, warm and attractive. BTW for 18 months in my mid teens 20+ years ago I had acne on my face which absolutely destroyed my self confidence. Even though it went by the time I was 18 every time I saw someone looking at me when i was out I assumed they were looking at the (by now non existent) spots and thinking I was unattractive. Flawed thinking but powerful nonetheless. The gay thing is because I have developed this nonthreatening, safe aura and feel I will upset people if I say I am straight. Thank you ravenmum for your suggestions. I'm not even all that introverted when I get going but I like to let others set the agenda I suppose.

[loveyoutothemoon]

That's good you can express your qualities.

You say 'attractive', so what makes you unable to look in the mirror? Your insecurities from your spotty days?

I really think it's important to concentrate on qualities and not get bogged down with the bits you're insecure about. You can't do anything about them.

Could you ask your counsellor to encourage you to talk about your good points? And how much have you addressed the death of your father?

[Bestofthebest]

Mirror issue relates to something fairly nonsensical about the shape of my face and probably some residual stuff too re the acne. It's horrible being self conscious about your looks but I try at least not to add to the judgemental nonsense about women and looks looks looks. I'm going to try a new counsellor soon so maybe will do some more self esteem work with her

[ravenmum]

It's not "nonsensical"; that's your lack of self - esteem talking! I speak from personal experience . Something you went through as you were growing up (I would bet it is not the acne alone) has left you feeling unattractive and unwanted, and that affects you on a daily basis, is that right? That is not minor.

[Bestofthebest]

raven. You are right on both counts yes. It isn't the acne alone and it does make me feel both those things, every day I live and every person I meet. It is hard to imagine life without these feelings tbh but it is worth trying.

[ravenmum]

I've been on citalopram, which has given me an insight into life minus those feelings, and it is much easier! You're the same person but instead of interpreting every look or word a hundred times and fretting so hard that you are rendered silent, you just say what you want and stop overthinking, and everything is fine. Experiencing life without angst makes you believe in its existence and gives you something to work towards.