For those who turned a blind eye to DP's longing for another woman....

[hanahollie]

Find myself in a situation where I think my DP may have significant interest in another woman, but doesn't actually want to leave me for her.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? What happened ultimately?

Confused as to what to do next

[couldntlovethebearmore]

You sound like an absolute door mat. Pick your self esteem off the floor and make some decisions about what YOU want from a relationship and what you feel you are worthy of

[ToFindAndWakeTheDreamer]

To echo what other posters are saying, you have to take back control here.

I believe that some people can make difficult relationships work because they own that relationship. However, some people allow difficult relationships to survive because the relationship owns them. The hardest part is understanding which one applies to you.

As long as you remain passive, the relationship owns you. And I think it's quite possible that the relationship owns your DH too. At the moment your relationship is stuck in limbo, and one of you needs to unstick it so you can both move forward. You can do this, but you have to be the one to say something because it looks like DH isn't going to. You don't need to say much: "I'm leaving you" or "I know about you and OW". Either way, the important bit is that you'll be able to say that it was you, hanahollie, who did what had to be done.

[Jan45]

I think you are deluding yourself, he had an affair, whether physical or emotional, both just as bad, that was swept under the carpet, fine and dandy for him eh, you are making an awful lot of assumptions about him and I'd guess are wrong, how do you know he'd not embark on sex, did you know he was going to cheat, doubt it.

How do you know you saw all the messages so stop blaming OW, it takes two to tango.

He has discussed you with her and is still pining for her and you say you are not second fiddle, no offence OP but you really need to wise up and find your self respect.

Your relationship sound completely fucked up.

[KatieHopkinsAteMyHamster99]

Really brave post from Tinklypoo. We all are brought up with the assumption that girl meets boy, falls in love, off into sunset. But not all of us are wired quite like that.
It may seem crazy but does it have to be game over for your marriage if your DH has loving feelings for someone else as well?

(I speak from the point of view of a woman with 2 male partners btw)

[hanahollie]

I know I need to address the issue with DP, but I need thoughts clear in my head first and I need to decide also what I want. I suspect the EA went further. My DP is not a physical type at all, he would not embark on an affair for sex. OW, from the little I know of her, would. From the messages I saw, it seemed like she was pushing for the physical and he was more wanting to talk.

I don't believe I am second fiddle. If he wanted to be with her, he would be. He is that type, he would go after what he wants I believe. I suspect the OW was madly in love hence why they completely stopped contact.

[HazelBite]

OP where is your pride?
Have it out with him and make it clear you are not prepared to play second fiddle.
I would feel that the very fact he is having his head turned by someone else means unfortunately, you are not the be all and end all to him or that your relationship is okay until something/someone better comes along.
Don't let this cripple your self confidence any more than is necessary. Life is too short and precious to be someones " fallback option".
Why put yourself through this?
It's a it of a Mnet cliché but you do deserve better than this.

[MatrixReloaded]

Often when people are having an affair there's no decision to be made. They have no desire to leave their long term relationship. They want both.

[Waltermittythesequel]

You need to give yourself space, not him.

You need space to figure out why you think yourself so worthless that you not only accept his treatment of you, and accept being second best, but also actively try to find a way to keep him.

It's awful to read. I feel so sorry for you.

[DraeneiMage]

Wait, he had an emotional AFFAIR, he doesn't know that you know about it but you DO know about it and you haven't said anything about it and seem okay with it....??????

I don't get that?! That's not love!! Neither of you can possibly be in love with each other if he has the capability to have an emotional affair and you have the capability to just forgive it without even telling him you know.

[Littletabbyocelot]

My aunt has a friend in this situation. Bit by bit it's gone from turning a blind eye to her husband and OW thinking she's fine with it as a second relationship. She is even asked to water OWs plants when husband and OW go on holiday. She is not fine. For probably twenty years she has been accepting a situation that breaks her heart because she's too scared he won't pick her. My aunt says she's a shell of her former self.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Maybe I need to give him space to make that decision

Wouldn't it be better to make some space for yourself, so ou can decide how you really want to live your future?

I can't improve on Matilda's post, especially the bit about not being able to save a relationship on your own. Somehow your DP has to decide what he wants, but he's not likely to do that until he knows what losing you would feel like

[hanahollie]

He initially met her when we were going through a rough patch. She seemed quite keen from the messages I saw, him not so much. He was confiding in her to some degree, telling her he was confused about what he wants and that he wasn't entirely happy. She seemed to be all about having a good time, didn't come across as someone wanting to settle down. He broke it off and went cold turkey, ignored all her messages.

It's because of the above, I am surprised that he still seems taken by her to a degree.

[SandyY2K]

An emotional affair where the two people see each other and aren't separated by thousands of miles is usually very rare.

Mayzo I suggest you at least protect yourself by using condoms with him (assuming you still have a sexual relationship), as you are turning your head the other way.

I don't think I could stand to have my DH anywhere near me if I knew he was having an affair, emotional or otherwise.

There's a book called 'not just friends' by Dr. Shirley Glass. It explains the dynamics and the start up of emotional affairs.

Once the two build an emotional connection, it usually goes up to the next step as they feel like 'soulmates' and 'peas in a pod'.

Emotional affairs can be terribly intense. They send thousands of texts and emails to each other. They discuss everything from your children, the inlaws and I had a case where a man told his OW how he hated the scares from his wife's mastectomy and found them repulsive, but would tell her she was so beautiful.

That kind of thing would be unforgivable for me, but they share everything and nothing goes unsaid.

Ignoring isn't for your mental health at all.

He may still want her, but not want to leave you either. He may be happy to have the two of you. Only you know the content of the emails and how into each other they were.

I read the OW boards as well and so many of them are convinced the wife knows and says nothing. They just up their game hoping she will be the chosen one, but she usually isn't.

[hanahollie]

Tinkly thanks for that post. Lovely to hear other stories and how others have coped. It gives me hope for my own situation and helps with the thinking process.

The issue I have is that DP met this OW after we got together, which changes the dynamic slightly. Further, he doesn't actually have a friendship with her, so there is no foundation as there is in your case. Not sure if it makes it better or worse.

[FinallyHere]

Oh dear, OP, I feel for you, this is a horrible situation to be in.

There is however, one way for your to take back control of your life. Do not leave the decision, and hence the power, with him. Leaving him to make the decision is the very essence of being passive.

Good to read that that that passive is not how you want to be. Good. Great. Take back control and throw him out. If you know he has had an EA, why are you still with him? Jermajesty has it spot on.

Just like ripping off a plaster, sooner you get started, the sooner you will be done with the pain and ready to start living your life , being the one who decides. All the very best.

[YouSay]

Op you need to get some self respect here. This relationship with the OW (according to your other post) got physical and you are not even going to mention it to him? It must be tearing you up inside. A healthy relationship is based on trust. He destroyed that trust and is not a good man.
I do think he still likes her and would be with her if he could.

[TheBriarAndTheRose]

Yes, some men do bide their time. Men are far less likely that women to be single.

I haven't read your other thread, but i would end it. I know this, because I did.

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

You need to have an open and honest chat with him.

If you learn he does have significant feelings for another woman you have two options.

Either accept you are not the only one he wants and stay.

Or thank your lucky stars there are no children involved (far more binding than financial ties and certainly more likely to be emotionally impacted) and head for the hills.

[hanahollie]

but you don't know if that's just him biding his time

do men do this? we have been together years. That is a scary thought, just imagining he has been effectively using me all these years.

[hanahollie]

I hope I am not being passive, that is not who I want to be. I know I want to be with him, but he needs to want the same. Genuinely want the same.

A friend once told me that in order to tell if he truly wants you, you need to let him go and see if/how he tries to come back. I am tempted to ask for a break.

[hanahollie]

mazzyo I really feel for you, must be difficult with two kids, can understand why the decision is a lot harder. We don't have kids, just financial assets, but even that is a consideration...

[FairyDogMother11]

For me, an EA would be a reason to leave regardless of how I felt; emotional is almost worse than physical. I couldn't ever trust or respect him again (although I am aware others feel differently), and clearly he couldn't trust or respect me if he wanted to share something so deep and meaningful with someone else. He's getting away with this because you're letting him; you need to put your foot down and have it out with him because you will always be wondering "what if", if you don't. As PPs have said, just because you're in love doesn't mean you should stay. My mother once said to me, "okay, yes you love him. But you need to love yourself more" and it's true.

[MatrixReloaded]

A past affair ALWAYS has the potential to start up again,and unfortunately if he's secretly meeting up with her it sounds like it's going that way.

You have made a grave error by never discussing his affair. Apart from there being no consequences he hasn't changed the things that caused him to cheat in the first place (his cheating has nothing to do with you).

You say you are happy and in love yet when you needed support at what sounds like a very difficult time he was cheating on you. That's unforgivable. It sounds like your relationship really lacks any sort of communication and honesty. You are also being deceptive in your own way.

I think you have two choices here Op. Have the conversation and insist the affair is addressed, or end it.