I need constant reassurance....

[4n0nym0u5]

....and I think its annoying him.

Ive been with my partner for nearly 3 years now, we had a rocky start, we met online, he was with someone else, un be known to me. I have 2 young kids not his who adore him to bits.

But I just cant see that he is that into me! I might be being overly paranoid but he just doesn't look at me or interact with me the way im use to with ex's. We live together, he is in my marital home. I just constantly think he is with me until he find someone better, because that what he has done most of his dating life, he has never had a time where he has been single. he has gone from one girl to another. He tells me he is past that now and he has grown up but I feel otherwise.

I don't initiate sex or anything too, which I think gets to him. And when we do DTD, its from him just saying 'sex?' not very romantic.

He says he wants a future with me and the kids, but he doesn't show it, he isn't romantic at all....hes quite immature in a way as he loves his xbox games....hes nearly 30!! That annoys me, he knows it does so if I ask him to come off the games he will but I can tell he isn't happy.....

I don't know what advice im looking for really, just wanted to write my feelings fown in the hope someone has been in the same situation....

[4n0nym0u5]

I wouldn't say its not working anymore, its better than it ever was. Just cant get over what it WAS like! And the wondering of if he will get bored!

[RedMapleLeaf]

We're allowed to make mistakes.

We're allowed to change our minds.

We're allowed to find something worked for us before but doesn't any longer.

[RedMapleLeaf]

This is why I think ive just messed with my kids lives, feel so stupid and guilty.

But that shame is going to paralyse you from making any changes, ever! What do you do? Stay with this man forever even though the relationship isn't working for you any more?

[4n0nym0u5]

oh, and ive just looked up about future faking from reading the other post, and that sounds familiar too! and is also making me re think things.

[4n0nym0u5]

This is why I think ive just messed with my kids lives, feel so stupid and guilty. I was so scared of putting them through something bad and ive made it worse. And here I am, stuck on here worrying about my future when its nice outside and I could be taking the kids out for a nice day. I have suffered from depression in the past, it think im over the worse of it now, but I feel there is something not right. And its making my life miserable. I went visiting family the other week and they mentioned that I didn't look well, I was quiet. I was looking through the photos of the holiday, and I look miserable in all of them.

[RedMapleLeaf]

I didn't leave him because I didn't want to put my children through another separation.

and this would be a tough process that any of us would want to protect our children from. But it's not a reason to stay in a relationship. Just because something is hard, doesn't mean it's not right.

[4n0nym0u5]

Im fine with being a single parent so its not I need help in that way, im fine financially....I just didn't want to upset my kids, that's the only reason.

[4n0nym0u5]

RedMapleLeaf...thanks for your advice and comments, the questions your asking are making me think and are helping.

[4n0nym0u5]

I didn't leave him because I didn't want to put my children through another separation. Im scared of how it will effect them mentally, they are 4 and 5. In hindsight, it would have been better to leave him back then as they were so young, but its different now they are older. Just want to move forward, I want to stay with him for sure, but I want to get bis past out of my head, for my sake the kids sake and his sake because its not fair on any of us that im thinking like this. If I carry on the way I am, hes going to get to the point that well she thinks im cheating so I might as well....

[RedMapleLeaf]

how do I know he isn't doing the same to me,

None of us know. None of us can ever be sure that our partner isn't cheating.

[RedMapleLeaf]

I didn't do it years ago one bc of the children

But why?? You keep avoiding answering this question.
Is it because you don't want to parent without him? Is it because he is such an amazing father figure to him? Is it because you couldn't financially afford it without his contributions?

And no, text probably isn't the best way to communicate or get your needs met.

[4n0nym0u5]

The thing is we both struggle to talk face to face, and most of our feelings and things are through text. Ive text him a few times over the years to ask if he is happy and is he sure he wants me....it sounds pathetic but its the reassurance I need when he isn't there. When hes at home we are fine, I have no reason to think hes straying away or unhappy....its just when hes at work (hes in the army). he lied to his ex about where he was when they were together, how do I know he isn't doing the same to me, just stringing me along. Ive been reading posts on here to say there partners have cheated on them but they never suspected a thing because at home they were happy??? its so hard! I wish I could see into the future sometimes!

[4n0nym0u5]

Yeah, I think there is something not right somewhere with me tbh!

And I would of got rid of him a couple years ago because he seemed to be funny with is fone, id found out abit more about his past what he was like.....but since then he has changed a lot and become more settled and happy which is why im thinking differently now. I didn't do it years ago one bc of the children but also, I just felt we were meant to be together and it felt wrong to end things just bc of is past when he wasn't with me. I thought id risk it to give him chance to change and he has, but I still think about hs past...

[RedMapleLeaf]

I think she meant Personality Disorder

I think I would have got rid of him a couple years ago if I didn't have the kids.

But why?

[4n0nym0u5]

PD pp? sorry....what do you mean, sorry if I seem abit di, its abit early!!

And thanks to everyone so far for your replies. It is helping me.
I don't think he has aspergas, pp, no. but tbh, im the same when it comes to eye conact!

Yes the kids do see their father it works out they spend 3 nights a month with him in all.

He oesnt have much contact with them other than that, he just doesn't seem interested. Hes not spent anytime with them over the summer break or called or text to see how they are. But they seem to have a good relationship otherwise with their dad...

Im not very confident in initiating sex really, I wish I were. Just don't want to make a fool of myself.

I think I would have got rid of him a couple years ago if I didn't have the kids. But from what we are like now and how he has changed, I wouldn't be so sure now. Its more a head thing from my point I think....hope...xx

[JustAnotherPoster00]

Sorry OP I don't want to be insensitive and I'm not trying to be horrible but is there any chance that you have a PD (sounds a little like BPD to me no expert but lived with 1 for quite awhile, oh 'nd I can never seem 2 get the strike-through thingy 2 work lol) It really is about finding your own security and reassurance from yourself, think about counselling to help you air out any problems you might have with your confidence and your family, hope that helps OP hope I'm not coming across as a GF

[artiface]

Hi - I haven't read all the replies, but my initial thought was, could he have mild aspergers? I know that may seem a bit out of the blue, but if he doesn't look at you with adoration in his eyes, states he wants 'sex' and tells you he wants to stay with you and likes playing computer games it all sounds familiar!

[SandyY2K]

You need to be a bit more confident in yourself. His past has happened. You can't change that. Unfortunately, it will be on your mind and I'm not sure what he can do to change how you feel.

Why don't you take the lead with intimacy? Do something different and romantic for the two of you. Quite often us women expect all the moves to come from the man... if you can get the kids one night, set the scene for a romantic evening.

He knew you were a 32a when you got together and if it bothered him he'd have left by now.

My DH plays games too. Not Xbox,.but he has played the equivalent in the past - that's okay as long as it's not excessive.

Do your kids still see their dad?
I worry about you saying you'd have dumped him if not for the kids ... because they really like him.

It's also about how you feel about him, because the longer he stays the more attached they'll get to him. Then if you decide you just can't carry on in a few years time, the kids will feel it.

Apart from the cheating he doesn't sound like a bad guy TBH. The fact that your kids like him is a bonus as well.

[4n0nym0u5]

Thanks pp, some good advice there. It is just the reassurance I guess with the not being with him. Everything else is fine. He does play his xbox, but if I ask him to help out he will straight away. I have trust issues with everyone, including my family, im a paranoid person because so much has happened in my past with my family and friends uding my dad. But that's another story!

He knows how I am and ive give him plenty of chances to go and hes stayed everytime. Im a hard person to live with!

I ont feel confident in having sex ifkwim, I think im not doing it right, no motion, haha! so that doesn't help my confidence, that and my 32 A boobs!

[Cabrinha]

What do you mean when you say that you would have ended it with him if it weren't for the kids?

Do you mean:

• the relationship is great but your need for reassurance would have made you end it or
  

• regardless of the reassurance, this relationship isn't for you - and it's only the disruption to the kids that is keeping you in it?
  

He's a cheat, and he slides from one woman to the next. I don't think your need for reassurance is paranoia, it's sensible. I'm not saying he is cheating or enjoying the easy ride (kind of convenient to have you paying the mortgage whilst he pays debts off though, no?) but I am saying you're wise to consider it.

Are you actually compatible?
Enjoying computer games isn't immature - they're not just for young 'uns! Immaturity is when you can't keep that hobby in the correct balance of your life and your partner's needs. Is the problem that he plays games, or that he plays them to some detriment? (e.g. Not pulling his weight with housework, or not spending time with you)

Have you always with previous boyfriends lacked confidence in your body and needed reassurance they're not cheating? If yes, then work on your confidence. If no - then consider why you are now, with this man.

Oh and be careful when he starts paying towards the house. Even if he's your perfect partner - you need to protect your asset and your children's home.

[ButtMuncher]

Hey, don't beat yourself up. You've not harmed your kids - you clearly adore them and want what's best for them, so don't feel shitty.

Kids are very resilient little people, and ultimately, the best thing they can have is a happy, healthy Mum - that includes emotionally as well as physically. Your children are still very young, and will adapt very well

[4n0nym0u5]

No, not in that sence I guess I don't. Im just clutching at straws I guess. Im just scared of how this is effecting my children, if he goes. I didn't want this to happen, their dad just decided he didn't love me anymore and moved out. now hes engaged and living with someone else, and hes only been with this woman for 6 months, so that's going to have an impact on my kids too.....getting upset now....iv made such a mess of things. Thank you for all your help and advice..x

[ButtMuncher]

I understand what OP means - children can take a while to process the separation of parents especially if they were very young when it occurred and they see both set of parents. We had questions from DSS about a year ago - just generic sort without much angst whatsoever, but stull, he'd gotten into a mindset of wanting to know why and that can happen years after a separation.

You say you feel safe with him - how? Why? Financially? Physically? Emotionally? I can see why you feel safe with him on paper - hard working, good with kids, is living with you so a physical presence, but I think deeper lies the problem - you are scared he will leave, scared he will cheat, scared - fearful, even. That's not safe, OP . Your relationship security doesn't feel safe, does it? You don't feel secure.

[4n0nym0u5]

I admit I got with my bf sooner than normal after my separation, and the children met him after just a couple months, but that was accidental and I regret that. They are getting older now and starting to realise mummy and daddy arnt living together and are asking questions.

How does he enhance my life?? In what way?

I fancy the pants off him for a start, he makes me laugh, I feel safe with him, he is fantastic with my children, hes an hard worker....

[TheNaze73]

RedMaple beat me to it about the children??