Trust over money - am I overreacting?

[RisingSun16]

Regular male poster - have name-changed for this post...

I regard my wife and I as being pretty good with money - we have a joint account and we split everything (mortgage, childcare etc) as a equitabe share of each others income - I earn a bit more so I pay a bit more.

Our son is growing out of his car seat and we knew we were going to need a new one. Money is a little tight until our daughter goes to school in September, so we started putting cash into a small box in our dresser as a savings pot so that by the time the replacement was really needed we would have enough. The seed was money relatives had given us for our wedding anniversary, and it has been supplemented by sales of various baby carriers and stuff we no longer need. We were only about 30 pounds short.

I sold a video game today and went to put the money in the box. When I opened it I found there was over 200 pounds missing.When I asked my wife what was going on, she said she had used it for petrol the last few months, but would replenish it by selling some baby wraps we didn't need any more.

I am really angry that she has done this for two reasons. Firstly, the moey was meant for an essential for our children. That now has to come from somewhere else (what happens if we are unable to sell the baby carriers?). I will find the money, because he has to have a new seat, but it now means cutting back on areas I didn't expect to.

Secondly, I am really dissapointed that my wife didn't feel she could come to me and tell me that she was running short. I would have been able to cover her petrol out of my own personal funds, so that we didn't need to raid the savings pot. We are meant to be a team, and now I wonder how much of that is actually true.

Has anyone else been in this position? Am I massively overreacting?

Grateful for some perspective.

A

[Jenesaberpas]

Laughable responses on this thread. Why any man posts on this board for advice is baffling.

[jelliebelly]

You are only really going to act as a team financially if you stop having "your money" and "my money". All earnings should go into one account, bills paid and remainder spent on whatever is needed - saved anybody having to "ask" for money. It does sound like you are the one controlling things here somewhat.

[RisingSun16]

Hi everyone.

Thanks for all the advice and the constructive comments.

To clarify a few things:

There are no allowances for us. We pay the shared household costs proportional to our income. What is left over needs to cover personal bills and spending, but i dont have any control, nor would I want any, over my wife's finances.

I earn more money, but my personal costs are higher as I have a long commute. Factoring in a higher cut of the household expenses, we have essentially the same disposable income each month.

[Vvlgari]

Risingsun I would be annoyed too. But if she's dipping into that money for petrol costs then something is wrong elsewhere in her (your) finances so I'd look to sort that out before it became a bigger problem.

In terms of trust, I can see why you feel that way but I'm not sure it's helpful to treat it as a huge breach. Have you talked to her about it?

[Toooldtobearsed]

I would guess 'my money' and 'your money' were used for clarity in telling the story, not a control thing at all. Double standards? Too right!

OP, i would guess that the money, although important, is not the main factor here, it is the fact that she kept it all quiet. I will hold my hands up and say that many years ago (30), i was guilty of the same kind of behaviour.
I found it hard to admit that i had left myself short of money and would borrow from Peter to pay Paul regularly. Everyone praised me for managing so well with two small children and i wanted them to have everything, i had no 'off'switch.

Of course, the time came when i got caught out and DH was so hurt and angry. In my case i had 'borrowed' from holiday savings, leaving us short on paying the balance on a longed for holiday (it did all work out eventually).

Practical suggestions: convert cash into supermarket saving stamps on a weekly basis. Will not buy you what you want, but money you would normally spend on food can buy car seats etc., whilst you use the saving stamps for food.
Open a post office savings account. Deposit cash evertime it gets to £10 or so.

Please do not show your distrust for you wife. That was the best thing DH did for me - he still trusted me and that made me determined to never get into that sort of trouble again!

Good luck

[Standingonmytippytoes]

Princess the baby wearing community buy and sell secondhand in fact some wraps are much more valuable second hand than new.

[llhj]

How much is the car seat? £300 seems loads!

[Naicehamshop]

Ned you are making some good points on here but the term "feminazi " is really divisive and offensive.

[microscope]

If it's an ERF seat, which are far safer than forward facing ones, they usually cost £200-300.

[FruitCider]

Hi RisingSun, you have a similar set to my house hold so understand how you both have personally funds left. But our household fuel comes out of the household budget. Everyone should be guarenteed to be able to afford to get to work.

DP and I actually only give ourselves a personal allowance of £20 a week each. We have more set aside for joint stuff eg going to the pub together, expensive days out with dd. £20 to spend on crap is more than enough. Perhaps budget so petrol comes out of bills, and hold your dp to account over claims she will sell wraps?

I actually don't think £300 is that much to spend on a car seat - I spent £285 on mine as it was the best one that would fit in my car. Children are precious, they deserve the best protection.

[Joysmum]

If they are splitting household expenses pro rata based on their relative income levels it's a perfectly fair situation

No it isn't.

Back when DH and I started out, he was on an apprenticeship and I was working a 60 hour week to keep us afloat.

If we'd both contributed 50% to household bills he'd have had £27.50p per week and I'd have had £150 per week to myself.

How could anyone be happy to see their partner in that situation? Either you value your partner equally, or you don't. It's not about the value an employer places on you as that bears no relevance to the value of your relationship!

Anyway, that's besides the point as the OP has confirmed they have equal disposable income.

Time for him to ask her why she didn't feel the need to tell him and instead to borrow from the savings pot.

[FruitCider]

If we'd both contributed 50% to household bills he'd have had £27.50p per week and I'd have had £150 per week to myself.

That isn't pro rata splitting. My income is 65% of the household income - therefore I pay 65% of the bills. We both have same amount of money left over.

[Jenesaberpas]

Dividing bills "pro rata" based on income doesn't guarantee the same disposable income. Eg

Partner 1 income £100/wk
Partner 2 income £50/wk
Bills £75/wk

P1 pays 2/3 - £50 of bills
P2 pays 1/3 - £25 of bills

P1 is left with £50/wk to spend
P2 is left with £25/wk to spend

"fair" is subjective, but to have the same disposable income you need to put all income together, pay the bills, and split what's left over 50/50.

[Jenesaberpas]

In fact the only way that would work out to have to same disposable income is if you had the same income in the first place. If you have 65% if the income and split bill pro-rata, you will have 65% of the total disposable income too.

[FruitCider]

Partner 1 income £100/wk
Partner 2 income £50/wk
Bills £75/wk

P1 pays 2/3 - £50 of bills
P2 pays 1/3 - £25 of bills

P1 is left with £50/wk to spend
P2 is left with £25/wk to spend

That's not how pro rata works.

The total income is £150/wk.

Partner one contributes 2/3 of their income to the bills, eg £67.

Partner 2 contributes 1/3 of their income to the bills eg £17.

The bills £1 a week short, and both have £33 a week excess income left, so they both contribute an additional 50p, leaving them both with £32.50 a week excess income.

[FruitCider]

Actually in that scenario ive just realised that there is £9 excess towards the bills a week (sorry I'm tired this morning!). So that would be divided back out equally.

[Jenesaberpas]

Ok. What you said was you pay 65% of the bills, however that isn't what you mean. In the example, P1 isn't paying 67% of the bills. They're paying 90% (67/75) of the bills.

That said, 67+17 is 84 so I think you've made a mistake, however I know what you're getting at, just that how you explained it wasn't quite correct.

[Cabrinha]

"Bad taste" to sell things second hand?
You are utterly full of shit, "Princess"mi

[Cabrinha]

To the OP - you need to get to the bottom of whether her budget wasn't enough and if so you need to look at two issues - why it wasn't enough, and what is wrong with your relationship that she can't just say "aaaaargh, that x thing happening has screwed my budget - need petrol money".

If the finances were in a middle and for some reason she felt she couldn't tell you, I'd be open to working on that.

If she just took it and was totally blasé about it, I'd be raging.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Just talk to her OP!

I agree with toast about what princess said. Sometimes people come on here with stuck up views and it's so annoying. Get over yourself.

[princessmi12]

In the same way I seen annoying people that "recycle" video games, baby things and clothing for cash. Just see it as lazy way of earnings money .
Had a friend, a very well off friend with nice house bought for cash and spousal maintenance bigger than my salary. And guess what she used to sell her kids used things, sometimes for higher price then bought originally. Having great income and pinching pennies? In most cases it's a sign of selfishness, tightness,greed and not a sign of struggling for money.
People are either altruistic or selfish.

[LilacInn]

Princess, I earn six figures and still enjoy and actively seek bargains, and sell certain used goods (small items of furniture etc) when they are of no further use to me.

My penny pinching allows me to enjoy the luxuries that are important to me AND give a five-figure sum to human and animal welfare charities each year. I am neither greedy nor selfish.

Perhaps it has not occurred to you that many people are well-off financially because they are frugal and wise in money management.

[maras2]

princess.In all of my 65 years I've never met or even heard of anyone with your attitude to selling stuff for extra income and I've definitely known some odd bods.Have you always felt this way or is it a new thing?Do all of your friends and family feel the same?