To think I can't be the only one

[pleasemothermay1]

Please be kind I feel like shit

I haveing load of issues with my 16 year old

What with you name it everything is a row I literally has to row with him to apply for collages , row with him to call them back and register for September

He won't contact any of the collages he's not going to let them know he won't be attending

He won't speak to me my husband or his sisters at all
Apart from of course of ask for somthing usually a lift or money

He said he dosent want to be Invloved with us and likes being on his own

We said that he needs to get a job with has made things even worse but we can't afford the £200 a month for collage travel plus dinner money coupled with money for his social life also we have stopped giving him lifts unless it's for education why should I taxi him about when he won't even talk to any of us
He won't listen to us at all he's 6 foot 3 and I am scared of him tbh

We came off Hoilday and things were awful he locked him self in the bedroom and we literally didn't see him for the whole 10 days he waited until we left for day trips to get some food

It all came to a head today I told him if he wasn't happy hear and countined to Ignore us then he needs to find somewhere else to live i am ashamed to say if he did pack a bag a left I would be relived when he's not here and at away with his cadets the house is much happier

He has also started doing this thing were he would eat all the bread and leav one slice or drink most of the milk leaving a thimble full putting it back and not saying anything so when I wake in the morning there's no milk for the girls

He I also hiding and dilbrelrty braking things so last week my little one 3 got hold of his phone and for some reason he thought I had taken it😳 After searching for 2 hours we found it toddler had taken it then slung it in the play room my ds then proceeded to take my phone I only found it because he hadn't switched it off and when we rang it it was in the loft he admitted he put it there

Also things like if you ask him to hoover when I am out I will get a text saying the Hoover is now broken he will claim he dosent no how it broke Ect this is happening to often for it not to be him he also ripped of his wardrobe door told us he got home it was like that suspect it happed after dh asked him to tidy his room

Why should I be ignored in my own home I just rand dh and told him I will be withdrawing my labour he can cook and sort himself out I won't cook dinners by Somone who is a treating me and eveyone else in the house with contempt
worse thing eveyone else things butter wouldn't melt
Barr one friend who popped round and he didn't have time to put on a show she was quite frighnted I feel so embrassed he was steaming around the house slamming doors Ect ranting about nothing being fair



Feel like I am alone

[Sonnet]

Agree with Unlucky83 that it sounds like you are in a downward spiral. I think the traffic light system is great. I pick my battles with mine.

I have just re-read this thread. One thing that stands out to me is that twice you have referred to your other DC as "my girls". I would have expected them to be referred to as "the girls". Do you think that DS is picking up on this subconscious possessive pro noun? Is he feeling left out or excluded due to the big age gap. How old are the girls?

[TwatbadgingCuntfuckery]

OP isn't it law that he must be in FT education or an apprenticeship now? I'm certain he will have to go to college or get some form of training. This means you, as his parent, are still legally responsible to get him there so telling him you can't pay for him to get into college isn't going to help.

asking him to find a job fine. funding his social life is to be expected at 16 but things like transport to college and food. Thats up to you because its still your responsibility. Still, do you realise how hard it might be for him to find a job right now? he might be looking for months with you withdrawing some social life cash this could withdraw him even further and make the situation much worse.

Letting the 3yo hit him and CLEARLY making a one rule for your DS and another set for the other kids is going to make him feel rejected and unwanted.

I remember being a teenager (my sibling is old enough to be my DC btw) and my mother really made me feel pushed out and I'm certain your DS will feel the same. Toddlers require a lot of energy and so do teens! If you've neglected your DS because he's older and more self sufficient than your 3yo then he will feel like you favour the younger children more than him ESPECIALLY when your youngest is hitting him and you are saying its his fault for not playing with her?

Not cooking him meals is, again, saying you have your family and he is on his own.

Depression is a possibility but I suspect its more a case of 'OH SHIT!' combined with hormones, home life and realising the comfort of school has now been pulled from underneath him and the big wide real world awaits.

[diddl]

"My younger children are not the issue "

But they might be to him.

Does he ever do anything with just you or your husband?

How much of family life/holiday choice revolves around the younger ones?

Have you asked him what is wrong & what he would like to changed & listened to him?

[TwatbadgingCuntfuckery]

including caring for and playing with your younger ones when you have jobs to be getting on with?

This is bad advice. From my experience of being expected to look after younger children it leads to resentment. OP's kids OPs responsibility and yes this is how I am with my own DC.

Plus right now the relationship between the DS and the 3yo is way off and shouldn't be forced.

[fairydustandpixies]

I absolutely and totally sympathise with what you're going through. I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say you certainly aren't alone. My 17 year old son is exactly the same and my boss is also going through the same thing with his 18 year old son. I don't know what the answer is and it's horrible to live with. I love my son dearly but I really don't like him very much at the moment. Sending you hugs.

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

In hindsight, you're probably right badging - I only have the one DS and he's four; looking back at myself at sixteen, I probably would have been none too thrilled.

[BalloonSlayer]

My DS1 isn't causing any problem but he has been more reluctant to get a job than I expected and this has really disappointed me.

On reflection, I think that he has a lot less confidence than I thought he had (as a Mum you think they are wonderful and assume they agree with you!) and the idea terrifies him. Also, he is the eldest and I think he doesn't understand why he can't just sit here like the other two.

I have done quite a bit of explaining about how he won't be thrown in the deep end and how most jobs are boring and it's the laugh you have while you're doing it that makes the difference.

It doesn't help that he has just had his birthday and has been quite flush for money.

I am hoping the constant encouragement combined with his birthday money soon running out (he has passed the "did you put the money Granny sent in my account" "Yes, DS," stage, and is now at the exchanging gift cards for cash stage so not long to go! ) will whet his appetite for employment.

He (my DS) seems extraordinarily passive though, just waiting for a job to present itself. It's not that unusual I think, but it's an uphill task getting them to get in the driving seat in their own life. Some kids just seem to do that pretty effortlessly.

[pleasemothermay1]

poster unlucky83 M

Thank you so much


Just phone dh he said your letting him wind you up and no doubt it's became of a bit of a game for him see if you can boil mums piss

[GnomeDePlume]

He (my DS) seems extraordinarily passive though, just waiting for a job to present itself.

Yup, got that one in spades. It is like all the 'get up and go' got up and left!

Not sure if it is a boy thing or a teenager thing. I do wonder if some of it is that they have an enormous amount of growing to do at this age.

pleasemothermay1 you mentioned cadets and college. Is your DS going on annual cadet camp this year (my DS is in Army cadets and I know he will be off in a few weeks). If so is this an opportunity to have a chat with him about what he will be doing, does he need any kit etc, is he worried about it?

Has your DS just finished GCSEs? Is he worried about the results? IME worry is sometimes expressed as stroppiness.

Transition from 'proper' school to college is a big change. In a way it is easy for those moving onto A levels with degree courses to follow. Choose some A levels, dont need to think about a career for years.

For those where they are starting to look at vocational courses at 16 this is a big step for which there is alarmingly little support. Suddenly people are starting to demand that they know what to do with the rest of their lives when they arent really sure what they want for lunch!

He will get through OP, monosyllabic opting out is par for the course.

Do keep his sister off him though.

[BubblingUp]

There is a forum for parents with difficult kids like this called conduct disorders dot com. Check it out. Typical "things to do" don't work with these kids.

[salsamad]

I can really, really understand your frustration and your unhappiness with the situation you are in mothermary.
My DS is almost 19 yrs and I feel like we are just coming out of 4 rather stressful, very difficult years for him and for me and my DH.
Our last holiday with him was at 16 yrs old - we were abroad and had chosen a hotel for teens with loads of activities, he basically stayed in the hotel room for almost the whole time gaming on his IPad and watching YouTube, he had to be almost forced into coming out with us. We all had a rather miserable time. He wants to do his own thing but isn't quite old enough to do so yet.
When people say parenting teenagers is hard work they aren't wrong - teenagers can be moody, unconmmunicative, angry, unhelpful, rude and hurtful. They can be quite selfish, have a sense of self-righteousness and are never wrong as they believe they know the answers to everything.
However they are going through massive upheavals and hormonal changes. They have pressure from school, re exams and the future and what they are going to do with their lives. They find it hard to make decisions but don't want to ask for advice. They have pressure from their peers and desperately want fit in. They may have acne, depression, stress, anxiety etc. They have pressure from parents to make choices they feel unable to make and to continue to fit in with family life when they feel lost and don't feel like they fit in anywhere.
My DS was stressed and he worried terribly about his exams. He too kept himself to himself and didn't want to talk or be "friendly". I had to completely change how I approached him and also had to find an endless supply of patience when dealing with daily issues that were causing problems. You have to decide which issues need to be addressed and which can be allowed to be swept under the carpet.
Your DS is still a child and needs your support, guidance and love now more than ever. I realise that he doesn't show this to you and you must wonder where your little boy has gone, but he is on the path to becoming a man and struggling with everything that life is throwing at him.
Allow him lots of time on his own if that's what he wants, don't force him to take part in family life eg. spending time with his siblings.
Try to arrange some regular time for just you and him on his own where you can both talk - you will need to listen and let him talk, in the first instance let him talk about anything. (Driving in the car is an excellent place to chat). If you can get a dialogue going then make it a regular thing. Try to introduce a chat about what is most important for you and him i.e. He goes to college in Sept and lead the conversation to this and ask for his ideas, his opinions, what does he want to do - BTech or A levels or apprenticeship etc. How does he think he can achieve this, does he need help with forms etc. (If he seems reluctant to commit or even talk then be honest and remind him that you could get into serious trouble if he doesn't do something as he is legally obliged to be education til 17 yrs old.)
Please don't write him off even when you feel pushed to your limit, your son is still in there and he will not be like this forever.

[pleasemothermay1]

poster salsamad

Your post made me cry

poster GnomeDePlume

He was not going due to his behaviour however dh pointed out it will give eveyone some we'll needed respite


He very well may be worried about exams and he flatly refused to study for them at all so if he's sitting himself it's well jusffiyed

[GnomeDePlume]

pleasemothermay1 while I think you are posting while angry, it comes across to me that you are expecting an awful lot of your 16 year old DS. He is still very much a boy albeit in a man's body. Yes he is stroppy, sullen and silent. But he is still only 16.

He is at an age where an awful lot of teenagers just dont join up action and consequence. You need to help him with this. Talk to him about resits. What paths are available to him depending on different results.

Did he know that you were not going to let him go to cadet camp? That is an awfully big punishment. Cadet camp is a big part of cadets. Camp can be a chance to further qualifications, gain experience, take responsibility. All these are good things and will help him along his journey to being a grown up. TBH I would be making him go to camp not stopping him.

My DS is a different person in uniform. He is far more grown up, responsive and responsible.

Plus, if he goes then someone else will be feeding him for a week!

[pleasemothermay1]

No he didn't know but he's going tbh I can't wait also can't wait until collage starts this spending 27 hours 7 days a week with each other is not working

[forumdonkey]

Get on with your life and ignore the negative behaviour. Don't give a reaction be content to go without him etc.

Give him a budget for college and tell him you can't afford any more. He will learn there isn't any more unless he gets a job.

Invite him to eat and do things with you and if he doesn't comply, that's his choice but be happy to carry on without him. If however he does join in tell him how much you've enjoyed it and include him.

Attention is a attention whether it be negative or positive and while he is getting a reaction from negative attention he's creating an impact.

[Greenandmighty]

Really sorry you're going through this painful time. Adolescence so hard for both parents and kids. I think things get SO stressful that as parents we end up being negative without realising it and teenager can be the trickiest of customers! Suggest you try a different approach by trying as much as possible to praise ds whenever he does something good. Ask him how he's feeling, repeat that you're there to listen. Ask him about his plans. He may be worried about college and his future. He sounds like he needs reassurance. You sound like you're trying hard though so try to see this as a difficult phase. Look at his baby photos and remember when he cute and cuddly. He probably needs a hug but he'd be loathe to admit it. I have a 19 yr old ds who went thru turbulent episodes and can still be hard work at times and it's still a work in progress. Good luck

[junebirthdaygirl]

Few things similar to my ds when that age. Ate all the bread, used all the milk. Think this is their brain not functioning properly. Annoying but ignore or hide some of the stuff.
We were in Italy on holidays. He loved holiday up until that year. Turned into a monster. Stayed in his room. Insisted on ordering in pizza instead of joining in family meal in restaurant. Horrible time as we couldn't cope with the change. Think teenagers hate being out and about with parents as they feel awkward and like little children and they hate that.
Lots of days never got dressed. Not even worth bothering about.
Did everything to get out of chores. Pretty regular.
Believe me there was a lot worse.
Just to encourage you he is now 26. Yesterday he called me for work and l couldn't get him off the phone chatting and asking me about the weekend and you would not believe it's the same guy. Recently he said remember that holiday in ltaly, l was a right *. He still swears a lot!
Stick with him. Start everyday fresh. Giving out is not working. Go radical. Just love him. Forget everything else for the moment. Catch him doing one thing well. Say your hair looks good. Rub his shoulder as you go by him on the couch. Bring him home his favourite crisps. Call out a cheerful goodnight to him as you pass his door. Say love you sleep well.l did all that and more when my ds was in the throes of adolescent madness.Break the cycle.
This won't solve the problem but will make you feel better and introduce another element to the home.
Kids who don't live with their biological df often only act out completely when they're teens.
Remember keep a life for yourself. Try not to let you and dh focus all conversation on this.

[Isetan]

Red - they are endangering themselves or others - you have to take action
Amber - things need to change and it can be a gradual thing
Green - would be nicer but not that important - let it go and let go of any resentment

This

You need to take a step back, stop trying to engage him when he obviously doesn't want it. However, you do need some basic house rules. You could give him a budget and he gets to decide how he spends it but being in College is a priority and if he doesn't go, he forfeits the cash. If he wants extra than he can earn it.

[KeepCalmAndRetreat]

If he cooks for himself, could it be that he lacks some nutrients? I used to as a teenager. Adding a bit of vitamins made huge difference for my energy levels.

[LadyMaryofDownt0n]

Sorry to read & run but; in all honesty you sound like you need a parenting course.

You are rejecting him on a major level hence his behaviour. You are the parent, step up & start acting like it!

[springydaffs]

Brilliant post june.

I'm a bit surprised (sorry) at how shocked you are by him and his behaviour. ok, so he's your first and it IS a shock when it happens. But from what you've said he's not doing anything serious - believe me, a lot more serious stuff could be going on. Personally, I would have been thrilled if my teens left a thimbleful of milk. It would have shown some consideration believe it or not.

Do some parenting courses, read some books - read a lot of books. Get serious about this. That sweet little boy is gone; the lovely little family is gone. He's communicating something with you (in the worst possible way), it's up to you to find out what he's saying. He doesn't want to play the family game any more and he's making that clear so don't force him. Put aside all your wishes and wants and tune into him and what's going on with him - put yourself in his shoes.