To think I can't be the only one

[pleasemothermay1]

Please be kind I feel like shit

I haveing load of issues with my 16 year old

What with you name it everything is a row I literally has to row with him to apply for collages , row with him to call them back and register for September

He won't contact any of the collages he's not going to let them know he won't be attending

He won't speak to me my husband or his sisters at all
Apart from of course of ask for somthing usually a lift or money

He said he dosent want to be Invloved with us and likes being on his own

We said that he needs to get a job with has made things even worse but we can't afford the £200 a month for collage travel plus dinner money coupled with money for his social life also we have stopped giving him lifts unless it's for education why should I taxi him about when he won't even talk to any of us
He won't listen to us at all he's 6 foot 3 and I am scared of him tbh

We came off Hoilday and things were awful he locked him self in the bedroom and we literally didn't see him for the whole 10 days he waited until we left for day trips to get some food

It all came to a head today I told him if he wasn't happy hear and countined to Ignore us then he needs to find somewhere else to live i am ashamed to say if he did pack a bag a left I would be relived when he's not here and at away with his cadets the house is much happier

He has also started doing this thing were he would eat all the bread and leav one slice or drink most of the milk leaving a thimble full putting it back and not saying anything so when I wake in the morning there's no milk for the girls

He I also hiding and dilbrelrty braking things so last week my little one 3 got hold of his phone and for some reason he thought I had taken it😳 After searching for 2 hours we found it toddler had taken it then slung it in the play room my ds then proceeded to take my phone I only found it because he hadn't switched it off and when we rang it it was in the loft he admitted he put it there

Also things like if you ask him to hoover when I am out I will get a text saying the Hoover is now broken he will claim he dosent no how it broke Ect this is happening to often for it not to be him he also ripped of his wardrobe door told us he got home it was like that suspect it happed after dh asked him to tidy his room

Why should I be ignored in my own home I just rand dh and told him I will be withdrawing my labour he can cook and sort himself out I won't cook dinners by Somone who is a treating me and eveyone else in the house with contempt
worse thing eveyone else things butter wouldn't melt
Barr one friend who popped round and he didn't have time to put on a show she was quite frighnted I feel so embrassed he was steaming around the house slamming doors Ect ranting about nothing being fair



Feel like I am alone

[davos]

Op I am sorry you are having a shit time.

But I think a lot of this is related back to him feeling left out. Or less important. Perhaps coupled with a mental health issue.

The incident happened when she was a baby. I suspect he is dealing with some complex emotions surrounding the younger kids and the family set up.

He isn't obliged to spend time with his sister. I have a fairly big age gap between my two. And when Dd didn't want to interact with her younger Ds. That was fine. If Ds started trying to wind her up, he was told no. His behaviour wasn't blamed on Dd not wanting to interact. She has a right not to. Ds isn't her child.

My only advice is to really look at this situation and yourself and try and look at it from his perspective. If you can't do that, I don't think anyone can help solve this.

Even if is feelings are totally unreasonable, acknowledging them can go a long way. We were all unreasonable as teenagers, at some point.

[davos]

Me and my husband have been together since ds was 2

But his father not being around (in the family home) and the other children having their father around can cause some emotional fallout. Even if you dh has been the best step dad.

Could your son feel like he is not part of 'your family'?

[pleasemothermay1]

Thank you Davos

I need to take a step back

If he won't get a job then I guess he just has to sit at home
its not worth the battle

That's as far as I have got at the moment 😐

[DragonsEggsAreAllMine]

I think what you are after is people agreeing he is awful rather than face up to the realisation there's very clear reasons he is acting the way he is.

His behaviour started to go off the rails not long after a new step sister arrived, your DH will obviously have more feelings for his own child and that will show plus your time, attention and money all will be diverted to a new child.

The fact the you begrudge him a social life says it all, he's sixteen and a jumble of emotions as it is without feeling like an intruder in his own home. You don't get to stop paying for one child as you want your budget spending elsewhere.

His behaviour is bad but won't get better until you acknowledge the reasons behind it.

[kittykittykitty5]

Are you 100% sure that the travel costs are not covered under your local 16 plus transport scheme? Our local one is means tested, but they assess on a case by case basis.

Also, at his age he should be looking for a part time job that will pay for his social life.

Why can't he have a packed lunch for college, why are you buying a lunch?

[Pisssssedofff]

The old left out card. Jesus the dad had been around since the boy was 2, they have other kids, tough luck.
OP my advice is to log off now, you're not going to get support and this will all be your fault and every life choice critiqued within an hour. Good luck.

[LizzieMacQueen]

I agree with the PP, if he already has an interest in the cadets then an apprenticeship in the Royal Navy might be just the thing for him.

I have no idea how competitive they are to get into but they are advertising for engineers at the moment.

But that assumes you and he would be okay with active service.

[pleasemothermay1]

Thing is not sure why he would feel like that as he is self excluding most of our augments wile we were on Hoilday was him not wanting to join us

We had loads of stuff planned things that he likes

We can't even get him to come out to lunch with out the girls

He arrived he went up stairs and didn't come down the whole time we asked him out of the different bits what would he most like to do he went interested

We even asked if he wanted to bring a friend but because he wanted to invite 4 friends and we said no it all kicked off he said he rather none came if he couldn't have 4 friends we were on a driving Hoilday and only had once seat free😳

[A1Sharon]

Dragon, I think that is a very unfair surmising of the situation.
The OP has clearly stated that they want him to be part of family life.
They want him to spend time with them.
They wanted him on the holiday, which he ruined apparently.
Where is all the money being denied to him from, and where does the OP begrudge him a social life?
He just wants his cake and eat it too.
He wants money for college, travel,food and a social life whilst doing no job and lifting not a finger at home, expecting to be driven to where ever he wants and wrecking the house!
He needs a swift boot up the arse in my opinion!

[pleasemothermay1]

Are you 100% sure that the travel costs are not covered under your local 16 plus transport scheme? Our local one is means tested, but they assess on a case by case basis.

Also, at his age he should be looking for a part time job that will pay for his social life.i agree clearly dragons eggs things I should be funding it as she puts it me begrudging him a social life🙄

Why can't he have a packed lunch for college, why are you buying a lunch?

yes dh earns just over the amount you need to get discounted travel also the collage lunch works out cheaper they have a meal deal things or £3 ds eats loads so it's likely it would cost me more buying the different bits for a packed lunch and tbh I don't want to crate more issues if I don't get the correct lunch bits

[antiqueroadhoe]

He was unreasonable expecting 4 friends!!

[davos]

Op, look I could be wrong.

But I am trying to imagine myself back when I was 13-16. Full of hormones and unreasonableness.

If he feels he is the odd one out, I can imagine myself pushing myself further and further out of the group. Removing myself before anyone can make me feel like I am not part of it. Refusing to be part of anything at all. So it was my decision.

Unreasonable, yes of course it is. But don't expect teenagers to be reasonable.

[GeorgiePeachie]

After I got my exam results I took a lot of time in my bedroom with the curtains shut. I was rude to my dad who kept trying to get me mobilised with my life. I was depressed but I had to pull myself out of it. He sounds reclusive and depressed as well. Maybe give him some time.

[pleasemothermay1]

poster LizzieMacQueen Mon 25-Jul-16 11:06:20

Thanks Lizzie we have spoken about this with him he won't fill out the application dh downloaded the navel one for him it's just sitting on the computer he says he might or might not fill it out he will see how he feels

It's been on there for 2 months

[Pisssssedofff]

Fill it out and send it in for him 😁

[antiqueroadhoe]

Could the cadet leader give him a hand filling it in?

[pleasemothermay1]

poster GeorgiePeachie Mon 25-Jul-16 11:14:52

Interesting

We have been trying to explain that actually getting a job is quite a hoot when your 16 very buzzy everyone similar age Ect but he just mopes round the house some days he's not even getting dressed

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

Do you think he might possibly be suffering from depression? Some of what you've posted is 'typical teenager' but the constantly withdrawing from you all and refusing to join you for anything much be quite hurtful and draining, especially having to explain his behaviour to your younger DC. I feel for you OP - dreading the teen years; thankfully I've got a few years yet!

[pleasemothermay1]

poster Pisssssedofff Mon 25-Jul-16 11:19:33


We did this with a Bt one is was awful he got his feedback and dh feels he sabotaged the interview because he felt made to go

(Dh interviews people for his job so felt that very strongly that he sabotaged it)

We won't be doing that again

[pleasemothermay1]

Do you think he might possibly be suffering from depression? Some of what you've posted is 'typical teenager' but the constantly withdrawing from you all and refusing to join you for anything much be quite hurtful and draining, especially having to explain his behaviour to your younger DC. I feel for you OP - dreading the teen years; thankfully I've got a few years yet!


this is just so awful my girls don't understand and it often feels we can't do right for doing wrong we ask if he would like a friend to join us on Hoilday he asks for 4 we say well we only room for one so he makes everyone's Hoilday hell and brings no friend

[itmustbemyage]

pleasemothermay1
I feel for you, this sounds like our relationship with our now 16 year old son, but we have lived through similar for years.
I can't believe the responses that you are getting on this thread, not sure if some of the pp even have teenagers, there is a huge difference between normal teenage stuff and what you are going through.
Please feel free to PM me

[Sonnet]

Family holidays are often tough with 16 year olds but particularly if you have younger children too. Positioning the holiday so it is fun for all is a hard call.

He does sound unhappy.

I also realise how hard it is for you too.

No real advice - sorry

[Sonnet]

It's harder to "entertain teens" and he sounds bored too. You mention that you have to "pay" for him to go camping just to get some respite. How about looking at it as paying for him to have some fun in the holidays - almost similar as paying for family days out when younger.

What does he want to do with himself?

[unlucky83]

I think you have got yourself into a negative spiral and it is hard to get out of. All he will be hearing is you criticising him, having a go at him - nothing nice. (I know that isn't the case really but it probably feels like it him - all teens are self centred and thoughtless and have selective hearing)
This was from an ADHD teen workshop but I think it helpful.
It is a traffic light system
Red - they are endangering themselves or others - you have to take action
Amber - things need to change and it can be a gradual thing
Green - would be nicer but not that important - let it go and let go of any resentment.
Things that green - him not wanting to spend time with you and sitting in his room - yes it is annoying but leave him to it, don't comment about it - he will come round.
When DD1 is particularly uncommunicative I will keep asking her how her day was etc - try and make conversation but not make a fuss. If she ignores me and stomps off I leave her to it. Eventually she will answer - and will actually come to talk to me. I also make a joke about some of the most self centred things she says - tell her to think about that - but make it light hearted.

Talk about how things make you feel - when you leave the wet towels all over the floor for me to pick up it makes me feel like you don't have any respect for me. I feel really worried when you don't tell me when you are coming home.
Things like the holiday and his friends - ask for solutions and listen to the answer.Even if it is completely impractical. So I want to bring 4 friends. We only have one spare seat in the car - how do you suggest we manage that?
Hire 2 cars - we can't afford that - could they contribute to the cost?
It is bloody hard - I am far from perfect and don't get it right all the time but doing better than my parents did with me and so far DD1 (15) and I are still speaking...
I am finding it more difficult than when she was a toddler - just grateful she has sensible friends -so not drinking or on drugs or sleeping around.
She does have ADHD and I am ready to kill her at the moment - but she isn't on medication in the holidays and it is the being super loud and lively and winding her younger sister up that is getting to me.
After we were away for a week altogether DP (her dad) told me he couldn't stand her and didn't want to talk to her or do her any more favours...but that was because he had engaged with her with silly arguments (I ignore them or make a joke out of it ) and now he has calmed down a bit - but when she was staying with a friend said how nice it was (and it was peaceful!)
I think they have to go through this stage so you are prepared for them to leave home and they are ready to leave... good luck.

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

Maybe insist that if he wants money/lifts etc, he take on more responsibilities around the house, including caring for and playing with your younger ones when you have jobs to be getting on with? If he won't help you out, then he does not expect favours in return. You are having to do a bloody difficult balancing act keeping everyone appeased and it's not fair. How supportive is DP?