I think I have married an abuser.
After escaping one.
H and I married in Jan after being together 2 years.
SInce then we have argued and had a lot of bad days.
Before that I was 20 years with a man who was very EA and Financially abusive. It escalated after I got preg with DS1 - we had sex ONCE and got DS2.
DS are 5 and 7. They adore H and he them.
Not as much as I adore em though :)
These are our issues:
- His drinking. Most nights (struggles to do "dry" nights).
No good for health or famlily life. Sleeps in. Drinks maybe 100-120 units per week.
This is an always has been more than I want around my DSs.
He recently switched red wine for gin and this is a bit better as he is not so smashed.
But, before we moved in togther I said it was too much for me/DC and I would not want to move in on this basis.
He's a shift worker so he is either at work or in bed in the eve; or on the way to drunk or drunk. We talked about role modelling to DC.
I said he did not have to change - instead we could remain GF and BF.
But he wanted to, wanted a healthier life. He made progress which has all slipped since we got married.
- no sex. We had hardly any "honeymoon" period but the sex we had was ace and soooo much better for me than with previous long term partner. Caring, felt safe, able to express self, exciting.
But it dwindled very much. I try and he turns me down outright lots of times. Again, I have been clear that this is a big part of a relationship for me. When we have discussed he has said it is due to (1) booze - which he would address (2)not living together- felt he had to 'perform' when we met up & stayed in (3) low sex drive - but this, only latterly after wedding.
Says now he always loses interest in sex in relationships. He also says he's felt "pushed for answers" and that it may be a combination of these things. When I asked why he's not been upfront about the low sex drive he has no answer.
This issue upsets me and I have talked/written about it but I have given him time, said we could come back to it after some time, that he's not on the spot but I am confused and sad.
Ages ago in one of the talks I asked about masturbation, which fine obv.
But also porn use. And lots of it in the past which he now says is occasional.
I said not acceptable and that it felt like cheating. He said he would stop.
Another conversation, maybe four months ago, I ask and he says he is back to porn but will stop.
A recent conversation I ask and he says he is back to porn.
I told him he has broken my trust and that it feels like he is cheating.
He says he will "really try" not to use porn. I've said it's not enough.
We have had sex three times in the last fornight which is more than the norm - I am wondering is it part of a ploy to keep me? I can't believe he is that cynical. But - my radar is broken.
I felt disconnected during the sex anyway.
- has been verbally aggressive/abusive called me names.
Accused me of making things up (that he has said) to make him unhappy - almost seeming paranoid.
Generally been when he's had a drink and never in front of DC - but that's probably because he knows I would simply shut up shop immediately if he did that (because been here before).
He is also quick to anger and raises his voice. One time I was quiet and sad in the car after a row the night before and he turned the car round and said he would "drop me home if its going tobe like this". I made him pull over and let me out. But he chucked me out the car! Felt very crap.
This feels like he was angry because I was not jsut going along with his behaviour.
- snoring - this is annoying and has caused me to lose a lot of sleep and be unhappy (and a bit bonkers at times). So in about April I moved into spare room and made it "mine". I was sad and said we should work towards sharing at least half the week or something. He has missed appointments with GP to at least investigate - he's not re-booked. He doesn't care about this does he? It also doesn't help the sex problem.
I am beginning to think does actually suit him.
In the recent talks he has said if I lighten up and am nicer it will at least help. He said the reason for this porn use is the lack of sex.
I asked if he would try and be nicer as we both have responsibility and he said "when am I not nice to you"?
I have told him this is headfuckery and I will not accept it. He looked surprised and said he really wasn't trying to do that.
So I have told him we are to split. He has been sad and cried and said can we go to counselling? That it is at least a chance and not to throw it all away.
I am confused because he isn't a cruel person. Massively selfish and huge unresolved anger and abandonment issues but not cruel.
Is it worth therefore trying the counselling?
Is there anything to save anyway? MN views would be really appreciated.
I feel so STUPID and sad. He is very lovely and loving. Sigh.
