WWYD - get a job or go on benefits?

[freshstart4us]

I feel at a crossroads, married 6 years, 2 DCs 4.5 yo DD and 13 mo DS. Lots to be grateful for in our lives but our marriage just feels rocky, tenuous, volatile, unsettled. Don't know that I can do this for the long term.

The breaking straw for me is that DH is insisting I return to work, even though we agreed before having DS (actually DH's idea) that I would stay home until DS started school. Financially, we don't need me to work (no mortgage, he makes OK money) but we won't be saving or going on nice holidays on just one wage. I think these are very small sacrifices to make to have one of us stay home while the DCs are so little; DH disagrees, wants the security and freedom of 2 incomes (we make similar money; he doesn't want to stay home, I've suggested it). I know that when I return to work, I will (as when I went back after DD) still end up doing the bulk of house keeping, cooking and admin. Feel that I'll just end up with two full time jobs, and tbh don't think I will have any quality of life.

If I stay, my life is going to be shit. If I end the marriage and go back to work I will only see my kids half of the limited time I would see them outside work anyway, so my life will be shit. If I end the marriage and go on benefits, I'll see lots of my kids but quite frankly, think life would be a pretty shit then too, although it would give me the opportunity to return to study and financially it would work.

WWYD? Apart from not marry someone who has very differing ideas about the value of a stay at home parent for young kids in the first place.

[SauvignonPlonker]

If you'd break even from part-time work, then do that. The vast majority of working mothers with 2 lots of childcare fees work for very little (if anything). It will give you more options to keep working.

The worst thing you can do is give up work - you will be really trapped with a disrespectful arse - and with fewer options for getting out of you need to.

[Isetan]

There is a clear pattern of him disrespecting you and you're right, if it wasn't about returning to work, it would be something else. Personally, I wouldn't hang around for the something else. If you can be arsed, you can try marriage counselling but I'd make it very clear to him that you're done being his whipping boy.

[Jemmima]

I think a job outside the home would cause him to feel respect for you BUT do you want a man who feels you staying at home to be with your children is unworthy?
Time goes by so very very quick and before you know it your kids have grown up and left and then it's just you and him again. It sounds like the problem is the relationship and that he doesn't seem happy. He doesn't respect you or seem loving toward you. You are not happy either.

[DragonsEggsAreAllMine]

You can't insisit you won't work anymore than he can insist you do.

He's telling you he is unhappy with being the only earner, you can either listen and help out or you can leave. Taking the children away from their father so you don't have to work is very selfish though.

If the tables were turned and you were fed up of being the only one working, you may see things differently.

Childcare is a shared expense and he's obviously happy to pay.

Choosing to raise your children on benefits just to get your own way benefits no one but yourself. Fine if single, but you have responsibilities.

[Alfieisnoisy]

Dragons did you miss the post where the OP says she put 80% of the money in for the house.

Where she said that the initial reason to stay home was HIS idea.

Where she said she ends up doing all the child related stuff, housework AND paid work when she has worked.

Just wondered as your post is full of irrelevant stuff.

[freshstart4us]

Thanks all for comments! Am on phone so hard to reply cohesively...

Sauvignon and others yes I agree being out of the workforce for too long is undesirable. Freelance or contract work pays rubbish doing what I currently do, hence the need to retrain.

I like the idea of charging him rent! No he doesn't have any sense of value of me being at home, no he has never had the kids for a full day and I do think it would come as a rude shock.

We have had counselling in the past, it was useful but obviously didn't "fix" us as we are still here, now, with respect an ongoing issue. His mother never worked, his sisters have returned but only when their DCs were into high school so am a bit lost as to why he thinks me going back when ours are so little is a good idea.

Chicago that is so incredibly heartening, I am delighted for you!