WWYD - get a job or go on benefits?

[freshstart4us]

I feel at a crossroads, married 6 years, 2 DCs 4.5 yo DD and 13 mo DS. Lots to be grateful for in our lives but our marriage just feels rocky, tenuous, volatile, unsettled. Don't know that I can do this for the long term.

The breaking straw for me is that DH is insisting I return to work, even though we agreed before having DS (actually DH's idea) that I would stay home until DS started school. Financially, we don't need me to work (no mortgage, he makes OK money) but we won't be saving or going on nice holidays on just one wage. I think these are very small sacrifices to make to have one of us stay home while the DCs are so little; DH disagrees, wants the security and freedom of 2 incomes (we make similar money; he doesn't want to stay home, I've suggested it). I know that when I return to work, I will (as when I went back after DD) still end up doing the bulk of house keeping, cooking and admin. Feel that I'll just end up with two full time jobs, and tbh don't think I will have any quality of life.

If I stay, my life is going to be shit. If I end the marriage and go back to work I will only see my kids half of the limited time I would see them outside work anyway, so my life will be shit. If I end the marriage and go on benefits, I'll see lots of my kids but quite frankly, think life would be a pretty shit then too, although it would give me the opportunity to return to study and financially it would work.

WWYD? Apart from not marry someone who has very differing ideas about the value of a stay at home parent for young kids in the first place.

[freshstart4us]

Thanks all for comments! Am on phone so hard to reply cohesively...

Sauvignon and others yes I agree being out of the workforce for too long is undesirable. Freelance or contract work pays rubbish doing what I currently do, hence the need to retrain.

I like the idea of charging him rent! No he doesn't have any sense of value of me being at home, no he has never had the kids for a full day and I do think it would come as a rude shock.

We have had counselling in the past, it was useful but obviously didn't "fix" us as we are still here, now, with respect an ongoing issue. His mother never worked, his sisters have returned but only when their DCs were into high school so am a bit lost as to why he thinks me going back when ours are so little is a good idea.

Chicago that is so incredibly heartening, I am delighted for you!

[Alfieisnoisy]

Dragons did you miss the post where the OP says she put 80% of the money in for the house.

Where she said that the initial reason to stay home was HIS idea.

Where she said she ends up doing all the child related stuff, housework AND paid work when she has worked.

Just wondered as your post is full of irrelevant stuff.

[DragonsEggsAreAllMine]

You can't insisit you won't work anymore than he can insist you do.

He's telling you he is unhappy with being the only earner, you can either listen and help out or you can leave. Taking the children away from their father so you don't have to work is very selfish though.

If the tables were turned and you were fed up of being the only one working, you may see things differently.

Childcare is a shared expense and he's obviously happy to pay.

Choosing to raise your children on benefits just to get your own way benefits no one but yourself. Fine if single, but you have responsibilities.

[Jemmima]

I think a job outside the home would cause him to feel respect for you BUT do you want a man who feels you staying at home to be with your children is unworthy?
Time goes by so very very quick and before you know it your kids have grown up and left and then it's just you and him again. It sounds like the problem is the relationship and that he doesn't seem happy. He doesn't respect you or seem loving toward you. You are not happy either.

[Isetan]

There is a clear pattern of him disrespecting you and you're right, if it wasn't about returning to work, it would be something else. Personally, I wouldn't hang around for the something else. If you can be arsed, you can try marriage counselling but I'd make it very clear to him that you're done being his whipping boy.

[SauvignonPlonker]

If you'd break even from part-time work, then do that. The vast majority of working mothers with 2 lots of childcare fees work for very little (if anything). It will give you more options to keep working.

The worst thing you can do is give up work - you will be really trapped with a disrespectful arse - and with fewer options for getting out of you need to.

[CodyKing]

Does he know you do work full time? You know 24 hours a day without any holidays or lunch breaks?

There should be maternity classes for blokes about to embark on fatherhood - being a SAHM is bloody hard work

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

I meant monthly mortgage payments.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

If you hadn't paid 80% of the mortgage and just matched his 20%, how much would your mortgage be? That's your current financial contribution.

I think your dh sounds selfish. He resents you staying at home and sees it as you having a good old time of it rather than in terms of the tangible and intangible contribution you make to family life.

[AyeAmarok]

I think I'd stay with him as a SAHM (but live a very separate life) until such times as I thought he'd contributed enough to that to make up for 80% of the value of your home!

What an arse.

[freshstart4us]

MrsWooster I have asked myself the question about why he gets to "insist" - my answer is, quite frankly, he doesn't. That is why I am so bloody unhappy about it. And why, if I choose to stay and work, it will be for reasons other than his insistence!!

Choosing to leave is, of course, bloody hard. I want us to be a family, I don't want our children to have to live two separate lives. I like working, I enjoy being successful in my career. I just don't want to have other people bring up our kids when it's not necessary.

[LIZS]

Apologies wrong thread.

[LIZS]

Nannies can get maternity pay if employed long enough. In 5 years' time I doubt you'd be able to exist on benefits for long.

[ChicagoBull]

You shouldn't have to but set out your contribution, housework, childcare, 80% of the house (wtf??? In my eyes that would entitle you to sah on its own) and your terms if you did go back to work in black & white, send him an email or something.
Then I'd leave because he's clearly a twat who can't understand your contribution by himself.
I left one of these twats 18 mo ago and I'm so much happier not having to justify my day & time all the time

[CodyKing]

Grab a pen and write down your financial contributions

£200 per week childcare
When in school holiday clubs and after school care
Cleaning £10 an hour
Errands -
Shopping
Cooking
Appointments
Admin
Ironing


I like the idea of charging him rent

List his contribution if you split - he'd have the kids and his own house to run shopping and washing ironing plus a full time job

Being at home is a small price to pay short term for them growing up

Has he ever had them full Time for a day or weekend plus the house?? So he can see the easy life

[whattheseithakasmean]

It is just horribly ironic that the government would support me to stay at home to look after our children whilst studying but my husband won't.

I really wouldn't rely on the government supporting you long term, certainly not in the style to which you are accustomed.

I think part time/freelance/casual work is the way forward and that is where I would put my efforts. Start working your professional networks now, before you are any longer out the workplace.

Your marriage sounds dead in the water, so I would get back a toe hold in the world of work in preparation for splitting up and having longer term financial security without him. Really, do not rely on a man or the government to support you - rely on yourself.

[Lilaclily]

Do you love him?
Would you both be pprepared to go to marriage counselling ?

[WidowWadman]

Apologies hadn't seen the bit about studying and being mortgage free. This makes you more reasonable.

[WidowWadman]

I understand where he's coming from. Being the sole earner is a huge pressure. Of course household needs to be shared equally if both work, but you appear rather dismissive and entitled

[newname99]

What was his upbringing like? Does his mum/ sisters work?
If you feel there is no respect then I doubt you can continue with the marriage.Your assessment of options is bleak when really you are in a positive situation if you have lots of equity so enough for each of you to start again.

Have you tried marriage counselling?

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

If you paid 80% into the home perhaps you should charge him rent.

Does he control all the finances?

I would draw up a financial sheet, with cost of childcare, cost of a cleaner to cover "his half" of the housekeeping, travel costs to work, clothing for work etc etc and see how it balances out.

I think he'd be very surprised to see the value of you staying at home.

[MephistoMarley]

Leave him, go on benefits while you retrain and get the Job that fits round the kids when you can.

[MrsWooster]

I'm not an ltb merchant but...
Why does he get to "insist"? Write down clearly the pros and cons of all the options and present him with your considered decision, with the justifications (like your asset contributions) as an acknowledgement that this is a partnership(!). Then get the benefits, retrain etc so that your life and that of the members of your family who matter is on the right longterm track.

[Dragongirl10]

I didn't think l would EVER say this but in your situation l think you should leave him , go on benefits for the minimum period to retrain then get your family friendly job and be there for your Dcs as much as possible.

l felt very concerned by your DHs attitude he sounds like a nasty bully, l wonder what sort of a father he will be as they grow up if you stay?

[Alfieisnoisy]

Is your contribution to the house protected for you?

He resents you being at home and him paying for everything. He does realise that unless you were there he would be paying for childcare right?