I have ruined my marriage...

[JumpedUpPantryBoy]

I have been married for 5 months and it has been the toughest 5 months. I can't share a bed with my husband because his snoring is very loud. This is a huge issue because as a newly married couple, we want to share the same bed. Also, we live in a 1 bedroom flat so no chance we can have separate rooms.
My husband sleeps on our uncomfortable sofa bed each night. When we try and sleep in the same bed, there are arguments as I get anxious about his snoring etc. These arguments have just torn our relationships to figurative shreds. If only I could just get over the snoring - but I can't. My husband is so unhappy. I don't know what to do.
We have tried everything except for surgical options - DH was told he didn't score high enough for medical treatment when he did a sleep study maybe they should try sleeping next to him.
Has anyone got any advice? I am desperate to fix this. Everything else is fine but this has just brought us to new lows .

[Maz2444466]

I used to sleep with earwax earplugs every night from Boots and they were amazing, honestly they cut out so much noise. I really recommend them.

[mathanxiety]

He is being a selfish, horrible tit. Let him go.

...he said he'd had enough of me waking him up.
Is he for real?
Why did he think you were awake?

He is not worth losing your health over, OP.

[Wibblywobblyfoo]

Sounds like he has tried his best. Been to drs. Not overweight. Not smoking. Sleeps on sofa bed. Then he sleeps with you at your request and you wake him then you won't go and sleep on the sofa you just decided to wake him again.

[mix56]

You can get ear plugs moulded to your ear shape by a professional. (as drummers do) & see the doctor about mild sleeping pills & anxiousness
You can buy a decent sofa bed, & sleep there on alternative nights. Lying in bed & getting annoyed is the worst possible scenario. There is nothing stopping you going on to the sofa.

However to go off in a huff with the telly is pretty telling though. Is that all your marriage is worth ?

[TheSnowFairy]

DH lost loads of weight and it stopped his snoring (although too late for me to get a decent night's sleep when DC were little).

OP, have seen your update - hope you can work things out. It really isn't anyone's fault (the snoring) but is awful to cope with when you're desperate for sleep.

[hooliodancer]

Quies earplugs are excellent, and very comfortable as they are a very soft wax. You have to buy them on line.

[fruityb]

I'm the snorer in our relationship. I had surgery on my teeth to correct a dental issue last year and it really made a difference to my breathing and reduced my snoring. Sadly that has come back since I've been pregnant but am hoping it goes again. I suffer with congestion but can't take any decongestants at the mo as am pregnant. Will be back on them after! Could this be something your DH could consider?

It's a tough one as my OH often makes it sound like I do it on purpose. I do it when I'm not quite deep sleeping and he wakes me up to tell me which exacerbates the whole issue as I'm then back to square one and snoring again!

It's helped by me going to bed first to get to sleep, waiting for him to be asleep or he gets up and sleeps downstairs. It's not always ideal but whatever works. I'm only sleeping in fits and starts anyway due to my hips waking me up with pain, but we do view this as a joint problem. And yes I do blame his anxiety about it at times as he wont let me get to sleep properly hence my snoring won't stop!

It's a problem yes but is it worth ending a relationship over? Not a chance.

I do not agree with withholding household duties of anything like that however!! Snoring is not chosen behaviour and while i agree it's a massive issue when deprived of sleep, it's not like snorers do it on purpose!

[Wallywobbles]

We both snore and both sleep with ear plugs. It's rarely an issue. Why aren't ear plugs working for you? There are loads of shit ones but there are a few good ones. Mercurochrome do some pink and yellow ones which are excellent. You might need to order them on line. We take the view that it's not the snorers problem.

I'm not clear what you've actually tried on your side apart from waking your husband which was unlikely to work.

[trafalgargal]

(As I typed my previous post from the sofa OH wandered in and asked me if I'd got up cos he was snoring :D I told him no I was too hot to stay in bed but yes I do sometimes move if he's snoring and he knows it. He can't help it but I'd never wake him up and ask him to move. By the time I've woken him and he's moved I could be snuggled down on the sofa and getting back to sleep. )

[HappyJanuary]

Another one who lived with a very heavy snorer for years.

My ex (nothing to do with the snoring!) had surgery. It was honestly horrendous for him, and made very little difference.

What worked for us was staggered bedtimes, a light sedative for me when necessary, and the most heavy duty silicone earplugs I could find. If I woke in the night I went into the spare room or on the sofa if it was in use, no point us both being awake.

We didn't use the spare room permanently because we didn't want to sleep separately, but I think you should work towards moving into a two-bedroom place op.

Neither of you are unreasonable. He sleeps on the sofa every night and took part in a sleep study. He can't help it and probably doesn't understand why it's only become a huge issue for you recently. He is suffering from disturbed sleep, and so are you, so tempers are high. Find a calm moment and discuss what you can both do, it really is a joint problem that should be solved without blame. He needs to do what he can, but you need to know that you're not sleeping in a vacuum (you say that even breathing wakes you). I hope you sort it. It seems like a trivial issue to split over.

[trafalgargal]

It's a joint problem.
You are married.
I do think that if it has only become an issue since you married that it is likely your anxiety level has increased (and with it tolerance to his snoring) rather than his snoring has got worse since the wedding. Are you having any treatment for your anxiety ?

[Whitney168]

So you have lived together for 5 years with no issues, but this suddenly becomes a problem a month before your wedding? Sorry for the pseudo-psychology, but honestly I would be assuming this is about you not wanting to be married to him, rather than about the snoring.

[Dowser]

It is a joint problem shut up.
My DH eyesight is a joint problem too because of the effect it's had on our lives.
I have to run him everywhere . His independent life as he knew it has gone . He misses not being able to help the family out with lifts.
Days I can't ge arsedto go out he misses jumping in. The car to go for abeach walk. Getting a bus to it is not the same and he hates pounding the streets

[DoreenLethal]

Oh well, you can always buy another TV.

[babba2014]

Just read your update. No his reaction isn't very good although in your position I would have tried the sofa.

Every time I place my hand on his chest or Tap him or whatever, he might get a little annoyed in his sleep but then falls asleep again. When we talk about it in the morning it is funny. Your DH is over reacting but he could be wondering why you are making it such a big issue. Snorers don't get it! They are totally unaware of how it is affecting the other person. I totally feel for you though.

[MrsWooster]

Asonor worked for dp- takes a few nights but has more or less retrained him!

[MatildaTheCat]

This needs compromise on both sides and no more night time arguing.

For the time being, assuming he hasn't left with the telly, agree that you will spend some time cuddling in bed and then sleep separately for a period of time. Maybe you should consider taking your share of time out of the bedroom or else have an alternative that is equal comfortable.

You use the best available earplugs and he uses whatever gizmo might possibly help, trying different products.

You both have to recognise the problem and work to find solutions that might work for you. And definitely consult another doctor as to why six months ago this became such a massive issue so suddenly.

I second the short term use of an ant histamine for you to help reform a decent sleep habit. There are many, many couples who have faced this, it doesn't have to involve this level of drama although as the wife of a snores I do sympathise he says I snore, too.

[ShutUpLegs]

Oh - and over time, he has become trained to turn on his side if I prod him on the shoulder - doesn't even wake, he just turns over. He very rarely snores if he is sleeping on his side (unless he has been drinking) - its only when he rolls onto his back.

I did read a suggestion somewhere about stitching a tennis ball in the back of whatever he wears to sleep in but we have never got as far as trying it.

[babba2014]

Try whacking him/tapping him or rubbing his chest gently. It always wakes him up but then the snoring magically stops. It might restart again but another whack or Tap works lol!!! I get really anxious when people snore too, to the extent my breathing becomes difficult but I think this steps from childhood trauma of hearing grandparents snore when they used to make me go to bed when grandma did! I would be up hearing her snore and it was awful for me lol.

[Dowser]

Just read the side effects of phenergan.....no I can't go there but glad it helps you flanjabelle.

[ShutUpLegs]

25 years with a snorer. We have always viewed it as a joint problem with no fault or blame on either side. He can't help snoring (it runs in his family - we once came home late from a party and heard one of his parents snoring while we were outside on the drive!) and I can't help not being able to sleep through it. SO we have tried lots of different things but together and as a team.

I am sorry your DH has reacted so excessively - if I am being fair-minded, I hope it cn be put down to irritation caused by lack of sleep - on both your parts. But I think its a bad sign that he's unilaterally calling time on the relationship after a bad night - heavens only knows what would happen if you had kids.

If you can get to point where collaborative problem-solving is an option again, these things have helped us:
Larger bedframe with separate mattresses and separate duvets.
DH not drinking too much - after a big night out, one of us often ends up in the spare room. Alcohol definitely makes things worse.
DH saw the GP and has tried various nasal strip thingies - I can't say I noticed much difference.
I use a lot of yoga breathing and meditation techniques to cope in nights where I am woken.

It is tough - and I am so looking forward to camping this year as DC2 seems to have inherited the family trait.

Good luck.

[Dowser]

I think thers two problems here. His snoring and you're anxiety.
I've had two husbands and had it with both of them but number one was the much worse snorer and shuffler.
Number two's snoring isn't that bad but if I'm anxious like I am now the it does impinge on me.
I've worn earplugs for about fifteen years and it's amazing the little sounds you can hear when you are wired.

I hope you can save your marriage. He's entitled to his sleep too.
Maybe a spare bed in the lounge . Hallway doesn't sound very nice, that you take turns in during the week and share your marital bed at weekends.

It's horrible and you'll get a lot of sympathy here from women whose partners are terrible snorers.
I've got a three and a half hour drive after 5 hours sleep.
I don't know why I didnt sleep more. Maybe some anxiety about the drive. My dh can't drive anymore after losing some vision so it's a double whammy. The one who has plenty of sleep can't drive and it's left to this very tired and now anxious one.

Indeed to sort this. Now and again the occasional snore disturbed me,but the night before he slept in the spare room and I still only had 5 hours.

Grrrr and another 3.5 hour drive.

[flanjabelle]

If you manage to talk and give things another go, I would recommend promethazine hydrochloride (brand name phenergan). It is an antihistamine which helps you sleep. I take 25mg an hour before bed and it slightly sedates me, and helps me sleep deeper so I do not wake when dp is snoring. You can buy it over the counter, and it has helped me no end. I was getting a few hours of broken sleep due to the snoring and the anxiety it caused. Now I get 8hrs unbroken sleep and fall asleep before dp starts snoring.

[zippey]

Your husband isn't an arse or a bully, and neither are you. Lack of good quality sleep will make people angry and irritable. If you get the sleep situation sorted your marriage should be fine.

[zippey]

Yeah just sleep in the uncomfortable sofa bed, that will fix the issue, or take turns each night.