DH pawned his bike

[chalky3]

I went into our garage a couple of days ago to put something away and noticed that DH's fancy, expensive bike wasn't there. It quickly dawned on me that he had most likely sold it as he is always claiming he has no money. I asked him about it (calmly) later on; he had pawned it, I was furious!
I explained how angry and disappointed I was at this and asked what he 'needed' the money for (bills are paid, food on the table, petrol in the cars, etc.) He basically used it to go to the pub because he had run out of cash

He insists he will 'buy' the bike back before the time runs out to do so, but I know he'll struggle to keep enough money back. However I have the money to get it back now, but I don't want to give it to him because 1. It's his doing and 2. He will never pay me back (I know from bitter experience).

I really want him to get it back partly because I bought it for him, but mainly because DS loves going out on his bike and has only just started doing so with us rather than in the child seat on my bike. It makes DS feel 'grown up' to go out on the bikes with his Daddy, and they both enjoy it.

So (please) putting aside the many other issues that are apparent from this post, should I 'buy' the bike back for ds' sake, or wait to see if he does? And what should I do next if I decide to wait and he doesn't get it back?

[AppleJac]

I ve just read a small amount of your other thread.

Oh jesus, please walk away. You deserve so much better than this.

[FeckArseIndustries]

Without reading the other thread, I would buy it back, but make it clear it is now YOUR bike which you let him use to go out with ds. It is NOT his bike and he can't pawn it again.

[mummyto2monkeys]

You need to leave your husband, as long as you stay, he has no need to take responsibility for his actions. Most importantly your son is learning how men behave, through his Father's example. Do you want your three year old to grow up to become an alcoholic wife beater, who would happily sell his own Mother to fill himself with the drink or drug of his choice. What drug was in his system that caused him to be sacked from his job? Do you realise that if social services realised that you were allowing your son to be exposed to a violent, alcoholic, (possibly drug addicted..my guess is the bike went on more than pints, my husband is a cycling enthusiast and could get thousands if he sold his bikes) they would say you are putting your son at risk by continuing to live with your dh.

What happens if he comes in drunk and hits you one too many times, you could be hospitalised, brain damaged or dead. Who would look after your little boy? What if during one of his binges he lashes out at your ds. Honestly by staying and covering his bills and responsibilities, you are enabling his behaviour. I have an alcoholic brother and have found that they need to reach rock bottom themselves before they will take action.

You cannot buy the bike back, he needs to live with the consequences of his addictions. I would be hiding anything else of value, next he will be pawning your engagement ring, or emptying your sons piggy banks, if he is resorting to selling things to fund his addictions then he has reached a new low. Please get help, call WA, look up AA family meetings close to you. You are not responsible, you didn't cause his problems, he has chosen to put drink/ drugs before his own son 😢.

[lljkk]

Get it back but don't tell him, and flog it for proper money. The pawn price will almost certainly be a lot less than you could get by selling it yourself.
Use some of proceeds to get a decent 2nd hand bike you can use to go out on (with cash left over).

[chalky3]

Ok, so I probably should have name changed for this post

The incident concerning the bike is nothing in comparison to what has been, I know.
Looking back I think I should have left when he was at his worst, but at the time I was so shocked and just fire fighting. After all, how could I leave someone who had just tried to commit suicide? I thought it best to support him through the difficult time he was having, and thought it wasn't him but his depression to blame for his actions
However, I can't forget or forgive what has gone before. Him pawning the bike just goes to show he's not ready to accept responsibility for, or help with, his problems.
He has just this week got another job. I don't know if that will make any difference, but in all likelihood it won't, except he'll spend what he earns instead of pawning or selling things.

I know what I need to do but I'm terrified of the shit storm that will no doubt follow. I'm very worried as to the financial implications and affect it will have on my job (I work shifts) as I don't have childcare to cover the extreme hours. I'm really concerned about the emotional impact it could have on DS, though I realise that staying with DH could have a much worse effect.

It's not at all how I saw our lives panning out, and it breaks my heart that I can't do anything to make things better. I feel like my life is out of my control

[NameChange30]

There are things you can do to take control and make things better. You can't fix your husband but you can improve life for yourself and your DS.

If you're worried about finances you could talk to Citizens Advice about benefits and other support you would be entitled to in the event of a split.

You could also talk to Women's Aid and/or call the free Rights of Women family law helpline.

You don't have to do it all at once, just one step at a time - and the first step is getting advice and support.

[chalky3]

I didn't know about the helpline, thanks for that info.

I wouldn't be entitled to any benefits as I earn too much. I pretty much pay all the household bills already so that is manageable. It's the difficulty of arranging the childcare to cover my shifts and the resulting huge increase in cost that concerns me. I think it would be crippling. I know DH would be expected to contribute both financially (ha) and practically but I would have to consider that he may not, at least initially.

[Fishface77]

Jesus Christ op! Get out! No one can blame you. Yes it's hard and it's scary but you can do it!
Don't do what other women do and hide what's going on. It's not you its him.

[Fishface77]

And sorry

[smilingeyes11]

if he is working he will have to contribute financially - and childcare, well there is a way around it I am sure. Try entitledto - you may well be entilted to some childcare help.

And the damage to your ds when you split is way less than any damage he would suffer if you stay. Oh and the suicidal part - all part of the manipulation and abuse. Textbook.

[seventhgonickname]

I was in exactly your situation 11 years ago(minus violence and dh eventually sorted his work so some money).I also work shifts and I also felt guilty and was overwhelmed by the thought of leaving.I left 6 weeks ago and regret wasting all that time.It has affected my daughter but we are both already so much better for it.Dd is now just 13 and work have allowed me early weekday shifts so that we can get settled properly and organise what happens to DD when I go back to full shifts.Oh has not contacted her at all,has said he is too busy as he wants to make working as hard as possible for me.
Please leave,talk to work and
Check for free legal family advice at work,through your union if you work in the NHS these are available for all employees.Good luck but don't waster your life like me.

[Littletabbyocelot]

My mum stayed with my (not actually violent but otherwise) very similar dad for the same reasons - you don't abandon someone that ill & the emotional impact on us kids of them divorcing. She divorced him, sadly a bit too late, when she realised the emotional impact of living with a parent like that. I casually mentioned I was scared to come home to just him as I was worried he'd have killed himself. Looking back she's horrified she stayed. He wasn't safe alone with us as at his worst he would genuinely not notice us. My then 4 year old sibling and I left the house and were in and out all day without his knowledge the last time he had us. He forgot to feed us so I tried (FYI flour, water and cornflakes is not a nice combinations). Another time, he took me for a walk to see all his favourite 'thinking' spots along the canal. Years later, with horror, I realised they were where he thought about jumping in.

Before my dad got ill I was such a bossy, confident child. I became, and still struggle with it, such a good, compliant girl. I just wanted to make my dad happy so he wouldn't kill himself. I went out every week when I got my pocket money and bought him sweets. I still remember the joy of buying something for myself for the first time after he left.

It's impossible to see the damage when you're in it, but the sooner you leave the less harm he can do you & your D's.

[sarahnova69]

chalky, there is a great book that is recommended here occasionally called Why Does He Do That?, by Lundy Bancroft. Could I suggest you download or buy that and read it? It may help you to see some patterns in your DH's behaviour. Suffice it to say that he doesn't treat you and your son the way he does because he's an alcoholic or depressed. It's because he's an abuser. If he got sober and was no longer depressed, he would be a sober, mentally stable abuser, not a good husband.

I wouldn't buy the bike back; I'd start putting any money you have spare into a bank account he doesn't know about instead. Have you considered giving Women's Aid a call? They won't pressure you to LTB right this minute, but they can help you think about what you do while you are in this situation and what you might do if you wanted to get out of it.

[sarahnova69]

Ps. And I too think that it is no coincidence that he sold something you gave him, not something he bought for himself. More than that, it was something that gave your DS pleasure, which I don't doubt he knew would hurt you even more than the hurt to yourself. It was a win/win/win for him - get the money, hurt you directly (your present), hurt you indirectly (hurts your son).

Let it go. Buying it back is feeding into the cycle, and anything you make financially won't be worth it.

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

littletabby. Your story rang a lot of bells for me I too went from bossy and confident to anxious and overly compliant. I still haven't shaken it. OP, please leave now before your little boy starts storing memories of his dad's behaviour. Save your money for the separation. A few happy bike rides can't fix this.

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

Also, I wa grown up by the time my mum finally left. My dad did act out and spiral straight after she left. Then he went to AA and sorted himself out. He would never have done that while she stuck around. He had to do it for himself. I wish she'd left when I was three.

[amypie86]

I know you don't want to talk about the other issues but this is a slippery slope. My ex did this once with his bike and he just started pawning more and more things behind my back and even MY belongings. Anything he had that was worth money suddenly "broke" and disappeared. I only actually realised what was happening because I moved out briefly (we were still together) but when I next went to his house he had sold all my stuff! We hadn't even broken up, he just thought I wouldn't realise. This is a road you don't want to go down so buying back the bike will only give the impression he doesn't have to deal with the consequences himself.

[SandyY2K]

Don't buy the bike back. You can start riding with DS, just the two of you.

Let your H answer why he can't go when DS asks him to go riding. It's just a matter of time before things start to disappear round the house to buy alcohol with.

[chalky3]

I have asked for this thread, and another thread I started about problems with DH, to be deleted.
I am very grateful for the genuine advice that has been offered while I'm going through a difficult time with DH, but I really don't want our relationship issues to be raked over on MN, as happened when someone posted a link to my other thread in 'relationships', it felt like I was the being gossiped about while in the room!

So thanks again to those who have tried to help
I'll be more careful in future about what I share and name changing