Could really do with some advise (abusive relasionship)

[on123]

I have just left a 5 year abusive relasionship.

I've tried to leave many times before but I always miss him too much or just start believing him again and come back.

After hurting me again, and slashing my tyres so I couldn't leave I had to get the police involved to physically remove him.

I really want to do this for real this time but I'm terrified that any minute now il start to regret it again and give in to his words.

I'm only 20 years old, and thanks to the relasionship I don't really have many friends left to speak to, I could really do with some advise from someone who has been there before, and let me know how they got through it, and if it's normal to get these feelings.

We have a beautiful little girl who I'm focusing on but I'm concerned when she's gone to bed etc all those emotions will come back.

Thank you in advance,

X

[Dragongirl10]

Well done OP you are an inspiration to young women...this gives the message that ......Abuse is never acceptable......

Just one thing...l am sure you will find love again with someone kind and lovely to you both..please hold that thought on bad days..

You have your daughter and a great career ahead of you, up the bar for your next relationship, set it very, very high.....

Good Luck and l am so glad you survived him

[Wallywobbles]

Sorry hadn't rtft. Good luck. It's a long road even after court. I'm 9 years along and it diminishes every year now my DDs are 21 &12 and can make their own choices. Not seen him for over 2 years.

[Wallywobbles]

Please look at the freedom program and look at the Out of the Fog website. These are free resources.

You'd be best starting the online course immediately for the freedom program. Then find a course you can go to. Block his number and his families. You are not yet in a place where you can deal with them.

Buy or borrow why does he do that by Lundy. It's a life changing book.

Distract yourself. Go through the relationship board. Read the top sticky.

[HeavenlyEyes]

I am glad he was found guilty. How are you feeling about things. Had any counselling, Freedom Programme or similar?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Glad to hear it. How's life now?

[on123]

Just an update for all of you that offered me the support and kind messages.

Court finally went ahead last week and he was found guilty of all offences against me.

Thanks again for you help - those messages really helped me through some of the hardest points.

X

[balence49]

Well done! You sound like a hard working young woman and that you have a lot going for you if you focus on getting on with your life for you and your daughter. Fantastic that your work is supportive and take all the help they offer! Good luck with everything and stay strong. He will not change and if you ever waver imagine this was your daughter in this situation and the advice you would give her. It would never ever be to go back would it.

[user1468175625]

Never posted before but had to to say your resilience, determination to look after your daughter and guts are impressive. I hope those buzzes of happiness get more and more...Good luck.

[notapizzaeater]

on123. You might want to report your post - you've named your daughter in your 9.04 post.

Glad you are safe and away from him,

[on123]

I won't ever go back, my daughter is the most important thing in my life and I would never put her at risk of being taken from me.

My law firm has offered me free solicitors and I attended court yesterday to get a prohibited steps order ( which means I have control over where ever she is and with whom) and I got it.

I am eating, drinking and looking after my self. Keeping busy, working 8-5, spending time with my daughter, then taking my dog for a run and before you know it the day is gone and I've faced another day.

Will be in touch with my GP today.

Kind regards

[MephistoMarley]

I'm sorry this happened, and happy you and your daughter are safe.
If you ever think about taking him back - remember that when the authorities find out about his behaviour you stand a very good chance of losing your daughter over him. Because living with him is incredibly bad for her. You owe her better.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Your GP should be able to help.
Those symptoms are hardly surprising.
It could be PTSD so make sure he investigates everything.
Call WA 0808 2000 247 and they can help you with local support services.
You'll get there but you've been through a lot for a lot of years.
Keep posting here to get your thoughts out.
It helps to keep you a bit sane.
Don't forget to look after yourself.
Eat healthily and keep yourself hydrated.
You are as important as your DD.

[on123]

Also I haven't been offered any help yet. But want to make an appointment with my GP as i don't feel to great all the time, I get anxious at the sound of a door or the door bell ringing, or even my dog barking! Hopefully these will all pass in time but I think I would benefit from someone to talk to like a gp x

[on123]

I honestly can't thank you enough - it's weird that your all strangers but helping me so much.

I am focusing on mine and my daughters life now and as much as I am overwhelmed with stress with all the court proceedings and having to live with my mum and all my animals fitting into a tiny house - I find myself actually getting little buzzes of excitement for my future, at the thought of feeling true happiness again.

Thank you x

[tipsytrifle]

It's a cruel blessing that his mask slipped so instantly. At least the escalation to trying to kill you has finally got the point home. You're clearly an intelligent young woman with an extremely bright future and career ahead of you. That you have been with this awful creature since early teens kind of makes him slot into the child-mind part of you, the innocent, inexperienced youngster. You've grown up to be real and right. He hasn't. Let him go now. You'll find ways to handle the "weirdness" of becoming truly and totally independent. I'm proud of you!

[hellsbellsmelons]

I'm sorry this happened to you.
And I'm glad some words on here got you through and got you out.
Now stay safe and stay away.
I will say it again.
WOMENS AID - FREEDOM PROGRAMME - DO IT SOON - VERY VERY SOON!!!!!!!!
Good luck with your new abuse free life.
You will soon realise that a really heavy weight has been lifted from you.
Get all the support you can from Womens Aid, DV police unit, Social services, local support services, Shelter... etc....

[punchintheguts]

on123,
I could have written this myself on behalf of my dd.
the crying and promises of "i will change and so on"

please, I beg you, read my thread on "relationships..........Daughter Returning To Abusive Ex, Advice Please....

But you are young.
Do you want to be in this position when you are 40? maybe with more children that he can hold you to ransom by?

Take strength in my thread.

read it through and through, you will see the once you are caught in the trap of abuse it is a spiral to the gutter.

PLEASE TAKE TIME TO READ IT, NOW< TODAY.
you will get your answer.
my hell has been going on for over 20 years, and is spiralling out of control as we speak.
It will never end for you.
Been through it all, the promises, sweet talk, poor me crap.
get out and stay out I beg you.

[Resilience16]

Oh my God 123,I am so sorry to hear that, but I am so glad you managed to escape with your daughter.
I'm glad that our words on here helped you, but it is you who has done the really brave thing here of leaving and pressing charges.
If you've not already then please speak to Women's Aid or Refuge for more practical advice. Some counselling for you may be a good idea, see if you can access that through your doctor.The police should have a DV unit that can give you advice also.
I am so sorry this horrible shit has happened to you. Please don't blame yourself for his behaviour, it is not your fault .
It might help to write it all down, just to get it clear in your head, also to kind of exorcise it and also as evidence should you need it.
Huge hugs of support for you and your daughter.
We are here if you need us.

[Mamagin]

On123, so glad you are safe. Stay safe, and I am sure that life will be better for you and your daughter. Are women's aid helping you through this? Are you in touch with the Domestic Violence officer with the Police?
I hope you are getting real life support.

[on123]

Firstly, sorry for not responding - I will admit once I read the most recent messages I couldn't think of anything to comment, a side to argue or an excuse because I knew deep down you were right, and I couldn't face it.

I made the mistake of ignoring the truth, that I knew deep down, and that is something i paid for and will never do again.

He tried to kill me last Tuesday, the worst attack there has ever been, I managed to escape and get my daughter - and I am ok and I have pressed charges (he is currently released on bail).

I wish I would have listened and I wish I would have realised that I could never help him to get better. But I am grateful because I believe that the comments everyone had written and the support you offered me, gave me the strength to escape and press charges, and be strong enough now to realise there is a better life out there for me and my daughter, where we will be loved and treated right.

Thank you for your messages and your support - I really do think you helped me to have the courage to fight for my life and get out, of course I wish I would have realised a long time ago - but at least I have now.

So thank you.

[smilingeyes11]

you need the Freedom Programme and some counselling to work out why the hell you are putting up with this animal. You need to block him and go no contact. And I hope he is being prosecuted for your tyres and the abuse. Call Women's Aid and get some proper support. You are so bloody young and have so much good ahead. He is not, and never will be, an enhancement to your life.

[YouOKHun]

"But I still care about him a lot, and it feels so weird doing life without him there, and sharing our daughter together - he has always been a wonderful dad to her".

But he's not a wonderful dad is he? He abuses you, her mother. And down the line, what if your daughter plays up, how will he respond to that? You HAVE to stay away. Re-read these responses whenever you feel like giving him another chance to abuse you. Please, please seek outside support from Women's Aid.

[Resilience16]

On123, reading your posts I feel so sad that you think so little of yourself and your daughter that you are willing to step back into the lions den, with a bloody big sign round your neck saying "eat me".
You say your partner had an abusive childhood. That may explain why he thinks it is ok to be abusive to you now, but it does not excuse it. He chooses to abuse you because he doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you . The tears, and entreaties now are all part of the same controlling, manipulative behaviour as the threats and violence.
Please please please listen to the good advice you are being given on here. He doesn't deserve any more chances. But you and your daughter deserve the chance to escape this toxic relationship now while you can.
Do it for her sake, if not for your own..

[differentnameforthis]

The more chances you give him, the more chances he gets to abuse you.

It escalates too, the more you go, the more he will punish you for daring to leave him.

The truth is, women die at the hands of an intimate partner EVERY week. Children are made motherless EVERY week. Children are also abused, killed even, by the very person who is supposed to protect them.

PLEASE do not let you & your daughter become the part of the statistics. You have your whole life ahead of you. This man does NOT love you. This is NOT love.

Please take care of yourself, be strong against his false tears & begging. they are NOT genuine. They are manipulation, designed to make you think that he is truly sorry, and truly regrets what he has done. He doesn't. It's a very common cycle in DV cases.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"The worst thing is, I know what your saying and I completely get that everything that's happened is wrong. It's like there are 2 sides to my brain, one that thinks common sense and the other one that seems to want to give him a chance"

I think you need to give yourself a good kick up the arse, how many more chances do you want to give this individual who is no good for you. You cannot love someone like this better, it does not work like that and he hates women, all of them starting with his mother. You really do need to listen to the common sense part of your brain, if you were responding to someone else you would be telling them the same. You're training to be a Solicitor so you have some smarts.

Womens Aid as well can and will help you here; you have to make that first step to actually call them on your own. Once that is achieved (and the first step is often the hardest to take) then it will become less daunting.

Please get your co-dependency issues now properly addressed through counselling. Someone (likely one of your own parents) taught you how to be co-dependent. At the very least on this matter read "Codependent No more" written by Melodie Beattie.

Life with this individual who targeted you is no life for you or your DD, you cannot afford to teach her such damaging relationships lessons (as you yourself I daresay were taught). Unfortunately no-one bothered to protect you but you have a child now as well to consider. Do not inflict this man on your child, you need to protect her as well from him.