Romantic dream has turned into seething resentment about the cleaning

[writergirl74]

Hi. My first post... bear with me. To cut a long story short... Met a guy on holiday, he lived in Oz, I lived in London. I went to Oz for three months, fell madly in love, we decided I'd move there: the big love story I'd been waiting for (I am 42, he's 50). We get on great, have loads in common etc.

I've always liked Australia and was well up for it. I work remotely and can do it from Oz. BF is lovely, deffo the love of my life, all my friends liked him, said we're well matched etc etc.

I went home for a couple of months - I have a flat in London so I cleared it out, cleaned, tidied, and rented a room to a lodger . BF visited for a few weeks and saw my nice, clean, organised home.

But he lives completely differently... like a student. He shares a potentially great flat with another guy but they're slobs - food left out, cupboards left open, random objects dumped wherever they choose, rarely clean anything, washing never put away etc.

I have tried everything - tried to live with it, got really upset, sulked. I ask him to do X,Y, Z and he agrees, apologises, but it never happens. So I nag and hate myself.

We discussed moving without the flatmate but decided to stay put as the flat is nice, big, great location, pool etc.

I am resentful he didn't clean/declutter (as discussed) while I was back in London sorting my flat out (a lot of hard work, zero fun). A lot of the dirt/issues pre-date me so I am reluctant to do it... I didn't move here to be a f*cking cleaner.

I have considered moving out but we need to live together for visa purposes and I love him and want to be with him.

Obviously it's affecting our relationship as I am pissed off/resentful all the time . We go on nice nights/days out but returning to the mess just makes me grumpy.

I was prepared for missing my friends, family, London etc not here... but not for not feeling at home in the flat. It's making me miserable and affecting my motivation for finding new friends, doing stuff here etc. I really want it to work though - I love BF and Australia.

So.... help!

[Mycraneisfixed]

Aren't you both a bit old to be in a flatshare? You don't have to live in the centre of Sydney. There are lovely places just outside the CBD and excellent transport services. Perhaps the talk you need to have with your partner is about how he sees your future together rather than about his messiness.

[LyndaNotLinda]

But you're not comparing like with like. The change you've made is presumably something you're very comfortable with. Most people wouldn't dream of moving across the world to move in with a man they'd met on holiday and it's great that you're the sort of person who will do that.

But you're asking him to become a tidy clean person . That isn't who he is. He's a slob. Of course you can get a cleaner and that will help but if you have fundamentally different attitudes to the level of tidiness/cleanliness that's acceptable to you, then this is always going to be a massive bone of contention.

I am the same age as your boyfriend. I have no intention of ever living with another adult again precisely because I am happy with the way I live and even if I fell madly in love, I wouldn't want to change the way I live in my home to suit my lover, whether that be becoming a lot tidier or having to put up with a level of mess and dirt I find unacceptable.

[Amaia10]

I think all you can do here is give your DP and the lodger 48 hours to claim / tidy away any of the clutter on the surfaces. Say that anything left out after this point in time will be deemed rubbish. Then, after 48 hours just sweep all the junk into black bin bags and throw it into the bins. You could hire a skip depending on how much crap there is lying about.
I think you will then have to clean the house yourself if you want it at the standard you expect. Give the lodger notice - you can't continue cleaning up after him and I doubt he will change his ways any time soon, lovely guy though I'm sure he is.
Then all you have to do is work on your DP to maintain the standard you have created. YANBU - you have moved halfway around the world, this is the least he can do.

[JackieAndHyde4eva]

I think all you can do here is give your DP and the lodger 48 hours to claim / tidy away any of the clutter on the surfaces. Say that anything left out after this point in time will be deemed rubbish. Then, after 48 hours just sweep all the junk into black bin bags and throw it into the bins

Yeah right! The new girlfriend who has moved in and pays no rent does NOT get to decide what belongings of the rentpayers' gets binned. She would be getting short shrift from me if i was the flatmate.

[Canyouforgiveher]

The flatmate situation makes it feel like I've moved into a lad pad rather than set up home with someone.

I think this is exactly what has happened.

[thefourgp]

I met and fell in love with a slob too. Never met anyone else before who made me laugh so much, very affectionate, great sex, best friends and entirely comfortable with each other. He promised he'd make more effort when we got a home together. Nearly 10 years and two kids later it's never happened. He makes small efforts every now and then but it's always a half hearted attempt and doesn't last. It's gotten to the stage that i do everything. I often feel like a nag although i hate that word - it paints the complainer in a bad light when we're only the person verbalising valid points over and over again. If we ever separate i will never ever, never ever, never ever date another slob. No matter how much i like him. It's like having another child and the relentless feeling of being taken for granted will take its toll on your relationship. If you still think you'd rather live with a slob you love and the good points of the relationship outweigh the bad then I'd get him to agree to pay for a cleaner asap. Good luck. X

[CamilleClaudel]

I agree with Lynda's posts. Also that you have moved across the world to move into a middle-aged lad pad.

Yeah right! The new girlfriend who has moved in and pays no rent does NOT get to decide what belongings of the rentpayers' gets binned. She would be getting short shrift from me if i was the flatmate.

Yes - I can't decide whose apartment/tenancy agreement it is, the boyfriend's or his flatmate? And the flatmate is suddenly dealing with having an extra person around who isn't splitting the bills three ways and living with a new couple, one of whom is deeply and obviously unhappy with living conditions and attempting reforms after a few weeks? I don't think you've got a whole lot of power here, OP.

[Hotwaterbottle1]

I suspect the flatmate is pissed off you have moved in rent free, only paying one bill and now dictating how he lives. I would not be happy if I was him. He has also lost a lot of privacy with you working from home. Sorry :/

[crje]

it's not a great foundation to a relationship if one person 'owes' the other

^ agree 100%

Could you use his address but live elsewhere??

[writergirl74]

A bit of backstory about the flatmate - he previously moved his now ex GF in without properly consulting my BF. She didn't pay any extra rent so my BF wasn't any better off for her living there. So now the situation is reversed and the FM has no grounds for feeling put out. And obviously I can't kick him out.... he hasn't really done anything wrong. It wasn't him who said he wanted me to feel at home then failed to do the necessary cleaning/de-cluttering for that to happen.
As for working from home and his privacy, I work in our bedroom (en suite) so the living room is free. Working in a cluttered room is a big part of the problem - I can't escape it and have to look out of dirty windows all day.
The tenancy agreement needs updating - currently it's in my BF's name and his ex-flatmate. We were going to update it with our three names (handy for my visa application) but would involve committing for a year - and it was being presented with a 12-month contract that prompted me to freak out at the thought of living like this long term. We haven't signed it.
BF is making an effort, he built some of the Ikea furniture when I was out last night. I am going to sit him down and suggest he spends the weekend doing some other jobs.
As for me moving out - tempting but tricky. I don't have residency here so would a landlord take me? Am also freelance which may not go down well.

[Kitsa]

I'm one of ten siblings and I know how to clean. FWIW.

[Canyouforgiveher]

We were going to update it with our three names (handy for my visa application) but would involve committing for a year - and it was being presented with a 12-month contract that prompted me to freak out at the thought of living like this long term. We haven't signed it.

OP, I really would be very wary of doing this. Do you really want to be tied into a 12 month contract with a man you are at the early stages in a relationship and another relative stranger.

Do you want to move permanently to austalia irrespective of your relationship with your boyfriend?

Do you really want to live like this for 12 months (I will say honestly I could have done it at 25 but in my 40s I wanted my life to be in the here and now - not a stage along the way)

Stop thinking about the cleaning for a while and focus instead on the fact that you are flat sharing at age 42 with a man who is an utter slob and who is renting and has a flat mate at age 50 (maybe I am alone but that having a flatmate at that age is odd to me).

Is he the love of your life? then you can work on it. Or are you overcome with the excitement of moving to Australia, fresh start, all sorts of things ahead of you - and when you got there you found a crappy flat with a man who won't clean up and a flat mate.

I think you should talk to someone in real life about this - preferably someone who could act as a sounding board for you and ask the right questions.

[2nds]

OP I am posting because it's late and I'm. Bookmarking this thread but basically my story is kind of similar to yours. I'll chat with you tomorrow if that's OK.

[writergirl74]

We are not signing the new tenancy - going to see how it goes with the option to move if we want.

BF has agreed to sort the flat this weekend so we'll see how that goes and from there, how tidy it's kept.

As for having a flatmate at 50, it depends how you look at things. Generally two options - live somewhere central/convenient, in a nice flat with amenities (pool, gym etc) but generally only affordable by sharing; or live further out/in a less nice place, etc, alone. He chose the former - not everyone would but nothing wrong with that. I guess if you have always shared then you are just used to it. The flatmate works different hours to BF and also every weekend so we don't see him that much (just his washing up).

[RedMapleLeaf]

I'm afraid that I think you're being unfair. This arrangement works fine for them. The fact that he's even contemplating changing for the sake of the relationship is a good sign.

[Fairylea]

I find it really odd a man of 50 is happy living like this. It's more the sort of thing you'd expect from someone just starting out - maybe early 20s, with little experience of living on their own and a party lifestyle. Has he ever been married before or had long term relationships? That's me being nosey really but just seems so weird to not have any pride in where you live and to have a lad pad like this!

I'm going to be honest op, there's no way I could live with someone who has such little regard for their living space and at 50 he is not going to change.

[writergirl74]

He has lived with two girlfriends previously. I have no idea how tidy the accommodation was but imagine standards have slipped since living with another guy. I met his ex flatmate - a girl - who agreed he was messy and two guys would be messier still.

I, on the other hand, have not lived with a BF. Maybe that's weird at 42 but it's never been right or necessary for various reasons. I realise this could be as much about me being used to living alone and having things 100% my way than just him in a lad pad.

As for progress, the oven cleaner is coming tomorrow and BF has agreed to do some other outstanding tasks this weekend. Hopefully when the dirt/tasks that pre-dates me have been resolved, it will be easier going forwards.

[RedMapleLeaf]

I don't think using labels such as weird is helpful here. There's nothing illegal or concerning about the lifestyles involved in this situation - just people making different choices to the ones others would.

I think that you've hit the nail on the head with your comment about you being used to living alone and having things 100% your way. It sounds as though he's also used to having things his way, and is used to the compromises of living in a shared home.
Perhaps it's reasonable to expect there to be quite a long period of two lives coming together, of compromising, learning to change, learning what each of you won't compromise on etc?

Your boyfriend seems to be making big changes for you, I'm not sure I would change how I live for a new boyfriend(!). Are you going to help him with his "outstanding tasks"?

[NameChange30]

This man is FIFTY years old and he's been living like a complete slob. Leaving rubbish in bags on the kitchen counter?! Disgusting!

It's pathetic, immature and unattractive, and I don't know how you could still fancy someone like that.

You moved to the other side of the world for him. The least he could do is behave like a grown up and keep his house tidy.

Do you think it would help if it was just the two of you without the flatmate?

[BoboChic]

TBH the whole thing sounds pretty immature. At 42, moving in with your BF and his flatmate?

You need to set up a proper new adult home together.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

Surely this should be the honeymoon period where you're still trying to impress each other? If I was with someone who wasn't making an effort right at the start of living together that would worry me.

[Gruach]

This is so strange ... I've read through this three times and I still can't find the post where you acknowledge that the flatmate is a grown adult whose home you have moved into. It's all about what you want.

I feel uncomfortable about coming to this conclusion - because I want to sympathise with you - but I cannot help putting myself in his place.

You have no right whatsoever to insist that the flatmate changes his lifestyle to accommodate you. You have cited his exgf, his working hours - as if he should be out as much as possible to suit you - his washing up ... He lives there!

People have commented on your bf's student lifestyle but, quite honestly, you too have acted like a self-centered teenager. The mature thing to do would be to move out, with or without your bf.

[Theearthmoved]

There's no way I could live like that in my 40s and 50s. I did house shares in my 20s and even with neat freaks it's hard work. It got to the stage where people just coughing irritated me.

He is not going to change the habit of a lifetime after 4 weeks is he? For this to work I think you would have to be prepared to do the cleaning yourself or boss him around and control everything. Are you prepared to do that?

[Theearthmoved]

I also agree that it's not appropriate to move into someone else's place and change everything and impose your standards on two people who are probably quite happy living as they are.

[Sparkletastic]

Maybe it isn't all about the mess - maybe you are focusing on that to ignore the other stuff.