dating and new relationships when you are 45

[MaudlinNamechange]

Hello
Please can you share some information about what this is like? Is it as dire as I get the impression? Is there any point?

I am not a looker, overweight and dumpy. I used to be pretty and even sexy when I was younger, but nowadays I know I can't remotely compete. My friends say I am nice and funny, but they would. I do not consider myself at all a catch.

I'm coming to terms with my separation and not remotely ready to get "out there". But when I think about it, for one day, I am torn between two completely different impulses: one to have some fun and be treated well on a night out, have someone go to the bar for me and listen to what I have to say and maybe have a snog or a shag; the other is pretty tragic and unrealistic, which is I wonder what it would be like to have a loving relationship with someone who really had my back. I never have, and I guess I am now having to come to terms with the fact that I never will.

So. Going back to dating, flirting, FWBs I guess. Is it a non starter? Can anyone who is "out there" tell me what it is like?

Thank you!

[April229]

I don't have any experience of this but, You could maybe start building your confidence. It can be tough getting out there and if you don't feel it's possible to meet someone and your not a catch you are starting on the back foot.

As people get older it's less about looks and more about more meaningful qualities. Do some things to build your confidence - everyone likes to go for dinner a drink with someone funny and interesting. Are you interesting? Do you have interesting things to talk about? If not find some things - get a hobby, a cookery class, a walking group, do a course of some sort, what ever floats your boat a) helps you get out and talk to new people in general which makes a first date a bit more familiar and b) it gives you stuff to talk about and be animated over. Think about the type of person you want to appeal to, if it's a male model, and you don't feel psychically confident then sure get to a gym and worry about your own six pack, but if that's not what you are seeking, but instead it's a fun, interesting, kind hearted, nice person then they will be looking beyond the things you feel are holding you back. 🌸

[jewelxyz]

I am 50 and split up 7 months ago, am feeling ready for a relationship I have never heard of that OLD dating site, is that all you have to type in or is it an acronym?

[ravenmum]

OLD = online dating
POF = Plenty of Fish

The people who have tried it with no luck will tell you it's pointless. The people who have had better luck will tell you it's one way of finding people, among others.

I was 45 and looking for people to go out for a drink with / to the theatre / museum / nice meal. I got more than I bargained for. Expect little and if anything more happens it will be a nice surprise.

[category12]

I'm 43 and seeing a fella. It's fun.

I don't know about finding a life partner - I can't imagine wanting to live with anyone, and I have a visceral reaction against bringing in a stepfather figure to the dc. I realise it's a personal history thing: having heartily resented my stepdad as a kid and teen really puts me off seeking anything 'serious'.

I think there is a pool of guys out there, maybe not as big as when we were younger and much baggage included, but y'know, we're also hopefully fussier and wiser.

[MaudlinNamechange]

I wouldn't want to give my kids a stepfather either. I don't want to live with anyone and I want my house with my kids to be a calm and happy place for just us, where they know they are always my number 1 priority.

Thinking about that - I really don't care about dating any more. I am feeling really down about my looks at the moment but I actually think I am just almost out of habit following this worrisome train of thought: I look awful -> no one will fancy me -> Oh no I will never get a boyfriend. The real honest train of thought is I look awful; I feel so much more alive and positive when I am slim with good hair and good clothes; that is the kind of life I want to be living.

I started worrying about boys, and whether they liked / fancied me or not, when I was around 13. I got my first boyfriend when I was 17. Since then I have hardly ever been single and have invested huge amounts of energy in relationships with men. So by some counts I have spent about 31 years worried about relationships, by other counts about 27. Pretty much continually. What did I get out of it? Two children. A good result. I'm done. I've worked fucking hard to be on the other side of all this shit. I'm going to stay here, for a good long while at least.

I'm due my manumission.

If I ever do get involved with a man (which isn't going to happen, in the same way as I am never going to win the lottery, which I don't enter) I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, do anything which will risk him having rights to my home; to compromise it; to take it away; to make it less free or comfortable; or to make my daughters uncomfortable. I'm still working on getting this one out and I don't know if he's going to be fair, or make me move. If I have to move I will move and then that is it, for ever.

[ReallyNoEyeDeer]

but men seek much younger all the time op so why are we worried about doing the same?

I think the problem is that it an older woman - younger man age gap is typically likely to lead to a less stable relationship - because of the "wanting to have children issue".

That relationship dynamic will probably be (law of averages) where a woman is late 30s upwards - so may not want children (having had some already), be under time pressure to have children or be post-menopausal.

A younger man (again law of averages) will probably be in the age range mid 20s +. It may all be fine and dandy to start with - because he'll be too young to care - but eventually it will hit the buffers and he'll go off with a younger woman to have children with.

Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher case in point.

I know this won't apply in every situation and as I said it's law of averages because I think it's in that age zone you tend to get men interested in dating older women - often (not always) because they perceive an older woman to be more desperate/less strings attached and as a bit of an experimental game. Once they get 40+, they then start dating younger women.

Of course there are plenty of examples I'm sure where it works out - but in most cases it won't and isn't a good starting foundation if you are wanting to gamble on a long term stable relationship.

[VulcanWoman]

God this is depressing, I can't be bothered with any of it. Sorry.

[HormonalHeap]

What a misleading thread. There's truth in some of the points but there are so many exceptions. I met my exceptional dh at 39, married at 44. He has my back. Sometimes you can just be lucky.