dating and new relationships when you are 45

[MaudlinNamechange]

Hello
Please can you share some information about what this is like? Is it as dire as I get the impression? Is there any point?

I am not a looker, overweight and dumpy. I used to be pretty and even sexy when I was younger, but nowadays I know I can't remotely compete. My friends say I am nice and funny, but they would. I do not consider myself at all a catch.

I'm coming to terms with my separation and not remotely ready to get "out there". But when I think about it, for one day, I am torn between two completely different impulses: one to have some fun and be treated well on a night out, have someone go to the bar for me and listen to what I have to say and maybe have a snog or a shag; the other is pretty tragic and unrealistic, which is I wonder what it would be like to have a loving relationship with someone who really had my back. I never have, and I guess I am now having to come to terms with the fact that I never will.

So. Going back to dating, flirting, FWBs I guess. Is it a non starter? Can anyone who is "out there" tell me what it is like?

Thank you!

[HormonalHeap]

What a misleading thread. There's truth in some of the points but there are so many exceptions. I met my exceptional dh at 39, married at 44. He has my back. Sometimes you can just be lucky.

[VulcanWoman]

God this is depressing, I can't be bothered with any of it. Sorry.

[ReallyNoEyeDeer]

but men seek much younger all the time op so why are we worried about doing the same?

I think the problem is that it an older woman - younger man age gap is typically likely to lead to a less stable relationship - because of the "wanting to have children issue".

That relationship dynamic will probably be (law of averages) where a woman is late 30s upwards - so may not want children (having had some already), be under time pressure to have children or be post-menopausal.

A younger man (again law of averages) will probably be in the age range mid 20s +. It may all be fine and dandy to start with - because he'll be too young to care - but eventually it will hit the buffers and he'll go off with a younger woman to have children with.

Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher case in point.

I know this won't apply in every situation and as I said it's law of averages because I think it's in that age zone you tend to get men interested in dating older women - often (not always) because they perceive an older woman to be more desperate/less strings attached and as a bit of an experimental game. Once they get 40+, they then start dating younger women.

Of course there are plenty of examples I'm sure where it works out - but in most cases it won't and isn't a good starting foundation if you are wanting to gamble on a long term stable relationship.

[MaudlinNamechange]

I wouldn't want to give my kids a stepfather either. I don't want to live with anyone and I want my house with my kids to be a calm and happy place for just us, where they know they are always my number 1 priority.

Thinking about that - I really don't care about dating any more. I am feeling really down about my looks at the moment but I actually think I am just almost out of habit following this worrisome train of thought: I look awful -> no one will fancy me -> Oh no I will never get a boyfriend. The real honest train of thought is I look awful; I feel so much more alive and positive when I am slim with good hair and good clothes; that is the kind of life I want to be living.

I started worrying about boys, and whether they liked / fancied me or not, when I was around 13. I got my first boyfriend when I was 17. Since then I have hardly ever been single and have invested huge amounts of energy in relationships with men. So by some counts I have spent about 31 years worried about relationships, by other counts about 27. Pretty much continually. What did I get out of it? Two children. A good result. I'm done. I've worked fucking hard to be on the other side of all this shit. I'm going to stay here, for a good long while at least.

I'm due my manumission.

If I ever do get involved with a man (which isn't going to happen, in the same way as I am never going to win the lottery, which I don't enter) I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, do anything which will risk him having rights to my home; to compromise it; to take it away; to make it less free or comfortable; or to make my daughters uncomfortable. I'm still working on getting this one out and I don't know if he's going to be fair, or make me move. If I have to move I will move and then that is it, for ever.

[category12]

I'm 43 and seeing a fella. It's fun.

I don't know about finding a life partner - I can't imagine wanting to live with anyone, and I have a visceral reaction against bringing in a stepfather figure to the dc. I realise it's a personal history thing: having heartily resented my stepdad as a kid and teen really puts me off seeking anything 'serious'.

I think there is a pool of guys out there, maybe not as big as when we were younger and much baggage included, but y'know, we're also hopefully fussier and wiser.

[ravenmum]

OLD = online dating
POF = Plenty of Fish

The people who have tried it with no luck will tell you it's pointless. The people who have had better luck will tell you it's one way of finding people, among others.

I was 45 and looking for people to go out for a drink with / to the theatre / museum / nice meal. I got more than I bargained for. Expect little and if anything more happens it will be a nice surprise.

[jewelxyz]

I am 50 and split up 7 months ago, am feeling ready for a relationship I have never heard of that OLD dating site, is that all you have to type in or is it an acronym?

[April229]

I don't have any experience of this but, You could maybe start building your confidence. It can be tough getting out there and if you don't feel it's possible to meet someone and your not a catch you are starting on the back foot.

As people get older it's less about looks and more about more meaningful qualities. Do some things to build your confidence - everyone likes to go for dinner a drink with someone funny and interesting. Are you interesting? Do you have interesting things to talk about? If not find some things - get a hobby, a cookery class, a walking group, do a course of some sort, what ever floats your boat a) helps you get out and talk to new people in general which makes a first date a bit more familiar and b) it gives you stuff to talk about and be animated over. Think about the type of person you want to appeal to, if it's a male model, and you don't feel psychically confident then sure get to a gym and worry about your own six pack, but if that's not what you are seeking, but instead it's a fun, interesting, kind hearted, nice person then they will be looking beyond the things you feel are holding you back. 🌸

[TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore]

Interesting that some assume that dating means OLD as if there is no other way. Maybe there isn't, now!

I think it's more that you realise that wherever you go and whatever you do, you don't meet very many decent single men. I have a couple of hobbies, I have tried other hobbies that I've just not pursued, I on weekends away and to festivals on my own, etc. but in all that time, I've only met one man who is my age and single. That's why so many people resort to OLD. And I said it because it's what I've done. It's my only experience of dating post separation. My other encounters have been married men trying it on.


but men seek much younger all the time op so why are we worried about doing the same?

Women can seek all they like, but if the men are looking for someone younger, and won't even consider someone their own age, they won't even see the older women.

[FinallyHere]

Your option to go on a date and have someone really listen to me really struck a chord with me. Maybe I've just been unlucky, but I have noticed that anyone who thinks that they have a chance of going to bed with me will listen enthralled to what i say.

Finding someone who would listen without that incentive, not so easy but its what i look for. All the best.

[happyandsingle]

but men seek much younger all the time op so why are we worried about doing the same? I know it's hard but if I don't fancy someone I couldn't have a relationship with them even if they were the nicest person on earth.

[MaudlinNamechange]

I know, I'm not excited by the thought of a 55 year old man because (and perhaps this is unfair) I find men my own age sexist and entitled enough, I doubt I will immediately have some meeting of minds by a man who was born in 1961 and has a 30 year career behind him. I know they're not all going to be stuffy and sexist but I guess the fact that I'm assuming they will be is just another indicator that my head isn't in the right place for this.

I've been with ex for 11 years and I am roughly 10 years out in terms of men I instinctively feel are my own age - they are all in their mid-30s. I suppose this is because they are the men I was looking at last time I was single. I am not actually seriously considering them - but they're the ones I feel are "like me" but they're not, and I'm old now [sob]

[happyandsingle]

I'm 37 but hate the idea of going out with someone much older. most men look pretty rough when they head 40+. they go grey balding all the things that I hate. is that all I can hope for if I do online dating.
getting a man a decade older😯

[Dowser]

Oh and he thinks I'm beautiful....so I must be!

[Dowser]

Imet my husband when aged 56 on pof.

I was a dumpy size 14 too although skin, hair and teeth were all intact lol.

I remember reading a post from an american guy on the forum they have/ had on there.
Never forgot it as I thought it was so sweet. Someone must have started a thread on body confidence and this chap piped up that if he's ever lucky enough to get someone to go to bed with him...he just thinks 'mine all mine'

Now there was more to this post than that but that was the gist of it Meaning that in mid age life canbe lonely on your own and if he gets someone to spend some quality time with him and it progresses to the next stage ...well we all come in all shapes and sizes so a laugh and a bit of fun with someone can be wonderful for that boost to your life.

I know my husband gave me back the confidence that was cruelly wiped away by exh.

We are 8 years older now. We are probably the age of a lot of the parents of a majority of women on here...but there's life in the old dogs yet.

We aren't in the best of health now so it's nice to have someone here who cares . We have each others backs.

[ButIbeingpoor]

Hi Maudlin. I agree with your last post, work on yourself. You sounded a bit low in your op especially with regards to your image so improving your self image will give you a confidence boost. I think the first place to start is with your health. Having a good diet and exercising will give you a huge feel good feeling. Beauty is a brilliant knock on effect from that. Little things like a skin care routine or doing your nails all have cumulative impact. I'm speaking from my own experience. I do lots of little things that make me feel good. I might not look any different but I just feel better about myself.
You are a 'catch'. Remember that!

[MaudlinNamechange]

Hi, thank you for all the responses.

Quickly before work: to morning after

Ifailed - I guess that's where my default position is - I am struggling out of the wreckage of a really draining relationship and I don't want to go there again. I just sometimes wonder - only very very recently. and not really about moving some snory man in - more about having some fun. It's been a really hard few years.

Interesting that some assume that dating means OLD as if there is no other way. Maybe there isn't, now!

I agree, now is the not the time for me. I need to move fast in working on myself and my confidence though because I'll probably be seeing ex with a 30 year old soon.

Thank you to each of you who responded, it really helps to hear thoughts from the other side

[Tellmewhyohwhy]

I say give it a go, why not? Don't pin all your hopes on it but it's worth a try.

I thought I would never go near a man again when I divorced. But I was attracted to the very first man I met online and that has given me hope!

Several years on I find online dating boring and I am a bit jaded by it all but if you're like me and you don't have many single friends or opportunities to go out then it's a good way of meeting someone?

[Ifailed]

My DP passed away last July, after a series of illnesses over 8 years. As I'm in my 50s I'd long come to the conclusion I would not put myself through all the disappointment and false expectation of every meeting anyone else. It was bad enough in my 20s, before we met; the let downs, the misunderstandings, that feeling of hope before going out for an evening, only for the inevitable single journey home, blaming myself.

I know they are people out there who go on and meet a new partner later on in life, but to be honest I think they are a minority. I look at the few people I know, they are either in long-term relationships or single. None of the later are actively 'dating', and find the idea of OLD so terrifying we'd never contemplate it.

Once accepted, it's not so hard to live alone. I know they are benefits; but there are also the downsides like sharing a bead with someone who farts, someone who doesn't put things away properly, doesn't like to sleep with open windows, thinks watching telly is fun etc etc. The list could be endless.

So, MaudlinNamechange, before putting yourself through all that stress, are you sure it's what you want to do?

[whostolethesocks]

I'm 52. My marriage ended four years ago. I then met someone else (not online) and was with him for three years but it hasn't worked out (my choice). I've just gone OLD and have met a wonderful man. Really happy!

[niceupthedance]

Dating can be an emotional roller coaster. I was single for seven years and had a baby during that time. When I was 39 I got my shit together and focused on myself and rebuilding my body confidence. Dating was still bloody hard work - the disappointment- but at 42 I did meet someone perfect for me. My tip is spend some time on your self and making sure you feel good before launching yourself on online dating. Then just do short bursts of dates and rest between.

[UpYerGansey]

Don't give up. Use this time to invest in yourself - for your own sake, your own self-confidence. Take time to find exercise you enjoy, and go do it. For me it was hot yoga. When you're feeling more body-confident, things like clothes/hair/make-up overhauls are more enjoyable to contemplate
But do it for YOU!!
And then see what happens! Good luck OP, there's happy stories out there too

[Somerville]

I do know plenty of women around my age (39) who have met good blokes, that they're now settling down with, through OLD. Two observations, and probably big generalities.

• they've treated OLD like a numbers game. Dating a lot of men. I imagine this is where the thick skin pp's are mentioning comes in to play.
  
• They've all ended up with men at least 5 years older than them, if not more like a decade older. Which isn't a problem in itself, of course. But having been widowed once, I'm keen to avoid being with someone much older than me, so wouldn't suit me personally.
  

I met my chap through work recently. He's 4.5 years younger than me. yes I'm a hypocrite I have encountered a few bitchy comments about why he'd be interested in a slightly older woman with children. But we click, it's as simple as that really. And I know that life can be short and running after happiness while its there, even though that can be risky, is worth it.