Moving abroad

[MrsChristmas123]

Hi please may I ask for some honest advice
I am 60 divorced and financially independent. My children are all grown up and settled. I am retired.
I want to rent my house out and work as a volunteer in Spain although I'm not sure in what area.
I have been with my partner 3 years but we don't live together. He works from home doing a 12 hour day and is two years from retiring.
He is devoted to his two children aged 30 and 26 and his grandson aged 6 whom he sees regularly every week. He helps them out financially physically and emotionally. He is an excellent father and grandfather. He is 57. His family don't see me although I don't know why although I suspect it is easier for my partner to keep things separate.
I have never discussed my plans with my partner because I suspect he would be upset and would miss me and would not understand.
I just want to live a little and experience that lifestyle.
My partner is good to me but I know his family come first.
Am I being selfish.
I asked my partner once about living abroad and his little grandson coming to visit the holidays and he said his daughter would never allow it and so the subject was dropped. He didn't seem to take the idea seriously.
I am already learning Spanish.
I love my partner but I just feel life is passing me by.

[fattyfattytoadgirl]

Next time he gives you any hassle, this should be your message:-

[Tellmewhyohwhy]

I think some people do live like that (sometimes I do ). Some people are unlucky or go through a bad patch or just like being in the thick of any drama. I am sure your dp doesn't need to get involved in his brother's vet bills unless he wants to of course. Maybe they are the kind of family who all live in each other's pockets.

Re the child with adhd, yes I would say that scenario is possible to keep the child in school. However it would be a very short term measure until proper support was in place.

Anyway I think you should go to Spain and don't feel guilty as he has so much going on he won't have chance to miss you.

[MrsChristmas123]

You are funny!

MRMANIPULATIVESULKYCRAPSEXDRAMALLAMAFUNSUCKERLOSERBORE.....

top that...!

[fattyfattytoadgirl]

Time for a name update, Mrs Christmas!

MrSulkyCrapSexDramaLllamaFunSucker

[moosechops]

YOLO

[Vagabond]

He sounds like a boring drama llama with too many martyr-ish duties and not enough good sex, company or conversation to make up for it.
Spain sounds grand!

[MrsChristmas123]

Hello HellsBellsMelons

That's not going to happen..!!

[hellsbellsmelons]

I feel I am letting him down
What???
You were put back on anti-D's because of him.
You owe him nothing!

I'm excited for you and your new life though.
Sounds frickin' fabulous.
Enjoy your life.
Don't let this fun-sucker drag back in though!

[MrsChristmas123]

thank you for your kind thoughts and you have really, really helped me a lot to put things into perspective.

I have spent a great time thinking about what has been said to me and it all makes sense now.

I am an intelligent person and have had loads of relationships and I really thought this time it would work and it did for a while. I just can't believe that I let a man like that get under my skin. I thought he was quite presentable, good job, pleasant....blah blah.. It all just crept up on me. You know how it is men they work their socks off in the beginning don't they? There wasn't another family to consider in the beginning we did loads of things together then gradually, little by little, his family came back into the fold. He was really good with my family too though and did loads of things for and with them and for a while he was a big part of my family.
Then suddenly he'd had a row with his boss and he's working all the hours God gave and he is thoroughly stressed and worn out. He's travelling all over the country and not getting time to eat anything.

Then he started having his grandson every Sunday and Thursday nights and he was helping his daughter and then his son and then his brother and sister in law.

While this is going my partner is helping me with my garden at weekends, There was nothing I could to stop him. We'd go out dancing in the evenings and he'd tell me that he hasn't eaten all day and then I feel guilty.

Gradually, I started looking forward to the times he was away and the Sundays I was on my own just for some peace and quiet.

Then he started falling ill with colds and flu which would last for weeks and he'd be miserable then I used to have to send him home.

I think the turning point really was when my youngest daughter left home and I experienced the first taste of freedom for 30 years. I love my kids but I had devoted the best part of 30 years bringing them up. I had retired the year before and was enjoying going to gym and meeting friends.

By this time my partner's life had gone the other way. He was working incredibly long hours and almost single handedly keeping his family afloat economically and physically. The pressure was immense on him and all I could do was stand helplessly by and watch it happen.

We still did things together but his stress impacted on me and our dancing and we would argue and he would flounce off slamming my bedroom door or just leave and I would not hear from him for a couple of days. W'd make it up but somethings got chipped away.

I always felt I should do more for my partner but there was nothing I could do other than listen to him complain about his life. It affected me so much that I ended up going back on anti depressants.

The final turning point was the finances were resolved with my ex-husband which I was financially secure for the rest of my life and a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.

My son has emigrated abroad and my youngest daughter is due to follow later this year. My middle daughter is settled in London and very happy.

I have sort of reached a crossroads in my life. I could have put up with my partner tendency to be a bore and a bit narrowminded but the deal breaker was the devotion to his family.

Now I feel guilty as hell because he has been good to me and supported me during some difficult times. I feel I am letting him down but I cannot make his life any easier, only he can do that.

He has told me many times that he can bear anything that his work and family throw at him as long as he knows he has got me.

I suspect that I am making this move abroad not only to start new life, make new friends, learn a new culture and language but to escape a relationship.

Thank you once again for helping me make sense of all of this. I know there is going to be painful times ahead but I cannot go on being somebody's prop.

Kind regards

MrsC

[Dozer]

Provision of help for DC with SN like ADHD can be really crap in some places, and it could be that your boyfriend's family are being given the runaround. There are not for profit organisations such as IPSEA who might be able to provide information and advice.

Some people ARE just very unlucky. A few others make bad decisions or are drama llamas! Whichever is the case it sounds like perhaps your bf and his ex and family have some longstanding problems, that he wants to "be there" at all times for his family, and that this consumes a lot of his time and energy.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Of course you still care.
You aren't some heartless cold woman show doesn't give a shit.
You do give a shit and that's OK.
You've been with him for a while now.
It's not time wasting.
It's listing and understanding things and realisation.
You post what you want!
It's good to get it out.

[Cabrinha]

It's not a waste of time! People only read if they have time to, and it can be useful to order your thoughts about hunk even if you have decided all his drama isn't your problem!

I don't think he's necessarily lying. Some people and their families are given to drama. Like, deciding a bit of indigestion is a heart attack
The events truly happen, but they all go blown out of proportion.

Rushing over to a grown woman's house to deal with a spider? Tells you everything you need to know about the pair of them! Sounds exhausting for you. I don't think you're going to find him much of a loss.

[MrsChristmas123]

Thank you for your last post and it did tickle me when you said that is a lot of shit going down! And yes it is but, looking st the bigger picture and what had been advised to me already by yourself and the good people of this forum this really shouldn't matter to me anymore should it? So what if he has been dishonest or a dramatist? I'm going to Spain I shouldn't give a shit if a lot of shit is or isn't going down! I really shouldn't wasted your time with that last post sorry.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Crikey - that's a lot of shit going down all in a short space of time.
I'd be wary about believing all of it.
It may be based loosely around the truth but embellished???
My DD was a problem at school and I was never asked to sit in.
They got a TA in to be with her, which is what I assume they still do now?
This was a few years ago though.
Seems he likes a drama.
Because he could step away from a lot of what you have written but he chooses not to.

[MrsChristmas123]

Thank you for that advice

Luckily my health is good but I don't take that for granted.

I am making plans to go just want to make the next 11 months as smooth as possible before I leave.

IT is a big decision but I am doing a lot of research and have booked on a Spanish course.

I am looking at voluntary work but not sure where to start tho

Thanks for your help.

Mrs c

[Summ3rPi3]

At 60 I presume your health is good

I would crack on and make a new life in Spain, I am sure you will find new dance partners and other new things to do

If you dont go, you will always be wondering what if !

I would go for a year and see how it goes and come back if you dont like it

[MrsChristmas123]

Hi everyone

Thank you so much for your help perhaps I could return the favour one day. I have some work experience and training in law and domestic abuse and could point some readers in the right direction if this would be of any use to anyone? Just wanted to give something back in return the help you've given me.

Please can I ask one more favour? For all my moaning and groaning I always thought my partner an honest man which to me is extremely important. I try to be honest and true with my partner and so the big decision about my life has been a burden to bear alone because I can't talk to the one person it will affect the most.

The last post about my partners grandson and school has set me thinking has he been honest with me? Throughout the three years I have known my partner there has been drama after drama! My life with my family has been pedestrian in comparison. I brought my 3 children single handedly, trained in the legal profession, worked and got all three of my kids thro uni and beyond. They are all in good jobs and have a good relationship with their father. I am not so fond of him as he left me for someone else when the kids were tiny but that was years ago.
Anyway, I digress. My partner always seems to be having problems, major crises. His kids are always having car accidents and he has to go and sort it out and pay for damage. Or his grandson has been excluded from school and he has to go and sort that out. At the moment the grandson is being moved from one school to another cos school can't cope with the adhd yet he is not so bad he can't be statemented. Apparently the headteacher at the grandsons current school have told the family that they have to go in on rotation to sit with grandson to help the teachers cope! Can this be true? I have no idea about this. I just used to take my kids to school and if there were any problems I did what the teachers advised but my kids didn't have adhd.
Once my partner rang me from hospital saying he had collapsed at work and had to be rushed to hospital with chest pains and I saw him that evening and he seemed fine.
Once my partner had rush to his daughters house to deal with a spider or he would get involved in rushing his grandson to Drs many times cos he was very ill. I know these things happen but it is always a BIG thing!
Recently his ex was in hospital and her new husband seriously ill and so my partner became the Cavalry to sort things out.
Last year my partner had a raid accident and his car was written off. His son has just had an ax and written his car off! Last week his brothers dog died and my partner had to pay the vets fees cos the brother couldn't
Pay. I could go on but it is very tedious.
The only good thing is all these doings do give us something to talk about I suppose!
Is my partner a dramatist or have I just been lucky and him unlucky?
I just find it very hard to believe that teachers these days have to rope a whole family in on a rotation basis to sit with a six year old so that the teacher can cope! This was not the family's idea but the head teachers to prevent the grandson from being permanently excluded.

What do you think?

[Dozer]

It doesn't sound like a good relationship and he doesn't sound a great catch: working 12 hour days, has been estranged from his family who are unfriendly to you, puts you after lots of other things, moody, bad in bed.....

[ArmfulOfRoses]

I'm fairly sure parents/grandparents can't just randomly sit in a classroom for 2 hours.

You should probably try to fit "liar liar pants on fire" in to his new name.

[Cabrinha]

Loving "silver splicers"

[fattyfattytoadgirl]

From the Guardian link below -

"According to figures published by Britain's Office for National Statistics, marriage in 2012 was up 5%, the highest total in any year since 2004 and older men and women, the silver splicers, are especially enthusiastic. It's never too late to say, "I do". The number of grooms in their late sixties increased by 25% (2011-12) while brides of the same age went up by 21%. One in 10 had been single, two-thirds divorced, and the rest widowed before tying the knot. So what's going on?"

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/jun/15/why-over-65s-have-fallen-for-marriage

[Tellmewhyohwhy]

You will never be satisfied with someone who bores the pants off you. You will always be looking for something more (well you are, you're going to Spain!) Even if he went with you I don't think he would be enough for you. You sound completely sorted and at a different stage of life from him.

[fattyfattytoadgirl]

Just loving the advice you are getting here and I agree 100% with it.

Cabrinha's name "MrSulkyCrapSex" was inspired. Laughed out loud at that one

I agree with the poster who said carry on with the dancing with your man AND look for someone else if you want. Why not? He's not giving you enough commitment and is showing no interest in finding a way for your relationship to develop.

You haven't sewn yourself up like a kipper by what you said in the past. I know what you mean though, I've always tried to stick exactly to what I once said, even though it's no longer relevant. But things have changed and so have you. He's promised you nothing, so you should have no misplaced loyalty towards this man.

You sound like a lovely, intelligent, accomplished woman. There is no reason to believe you won't find another man. Maybe more than one man People older than you get married every day.

His blinkered, narrow, crabbed life doesn't have to define yours.

[Cabrinha]

Bored with him or bored without him!
Except that when bored without him at least you can be looking for something else!

And even if you meet someone fab, it's always good to try to keep a healthy social life going that doesn't rely on them

[MrsChristmas123]

Hi

I just had to laugh at Cabrinha's name 'MrSulkyCrapSex'...I think that name fits well....I am sniggering as I write.

I have just had a phone call from MrSCS and he has told me that, not only did he have to pick his grandson up from school he had to sit in the lesson with him for 2 hours to give the teachers a break.

The more I hear your opinions about my partner the more the 'scales are falling from my eyes'. I have never spoke to anyone about this before and it is making such a difference to me to hear other people's views.

My partner earns a lot of money but is always penny pinching because he spends a lot on his family. He has a huge mortgage. We did talk about him renting his house out and moving in with me a while ago but I soon backtracked when I realised what this would really mean!

So, to recap, boring sex, boring company, a skinflint and a shedload of baggage...mmmm...what on earth did I see in this guy?

I really liked your idea of explaining to my partner that I am moving to Spain and don't want another relationship because of that but to still to continue to dance together. That is a stroke of genius on your part. He may accept that especially as he has accepted that he has got a lot on his plate - family and work wise. This would mean that I could look around for someone who is more free than my partner is, or at least a dance partner. I think both of these are going to be hard to achieve but all I can do is give it a try.

Men are notorious for not wanting to dance...but I won't know until I try. I am a member of several dance clubs and can still dance with female leads..not the same but Hobson's Choice..I've been there before.

If anyone has any other advice, tips or anything, please let me know..you have no idea how much all of you have helped me with this. I have wrestled with this problem for about a year. Not wanting to be on my own with no social life against tolerating someone that bores the pants off me!