The sudden realisation that my mum is slightly toxic

[MintyChapstick]

I don't know if im being over dramatic or not, but my DM has always been difficult. She's not a warm person, she doesn't do displays of affection or emotion so has never hugged or kissed or told us she loved us. She's not a bad person, but a bit emotionally repressed. Thankfully my DF is very tactile and affectionate so we've never missed out on that kind of stuff.

As a child she couldn't handle any nornal boundary pushing or challenging of her parenting, and would literally screech like a deranged banshee at DB and I if we ever tried it. She couldn't handle it when we started to get older and started airing our opinions, well she could handle it id we agreed with her opinions, but once again if we disagreed we were shouted down. This is where DB and I differ, he has a totally different personality to me, is stubborn and wouldn't ever back down, despite the screeching. I on the other hand am more passive, as a result ive grown into the most appalling people pleaser, have terrible anxiety and suffered school refusal right through my childhood causing me to fuck up my education.

She's struggles to express emotions so instead of letting off steam the normal way by having a bit of a rant if someone upsets, she goes into long epic sulks. So you'll never know what you've done wrong. She whinges endlessly about every single little bit of her life, despite living in a nice house mortgage free etc. But can't handle anyone else whinging and has told me, DB, DF to shut up if we ever do. It's absurd.

She is always right, never wrong. She is very over opinionated, often to the point of rudeness because she literally can't see anyone else's point of view other than her own.

I know this makes her sound bad, but she's not all bad. I've never wanted for anything, if I needed her in a crisis shed drop everythung and be there. A few years ago I was in a bad road accident and she dropped eveything and rushed to the scene, even denting her car and knocking the wing mirror off in the process. But God she's hard work, and actuallg I think she's the root cause of both mine and DB's mental health issues.

I know this is long winded and I'm not sure what I want from it, but it's like a penny has suddenly dropped.

I just needed to get it off my chest.

[springydaffs]

Well done for seeing it.

You'll have people coming on saying she's a narcissist I expect. I wouldn't say so from what you've said - but a very damaging influence in your life nonetheless.

How does your dad handle her?

[Hissy]

That sounds like an almighty realisation, do you think db has the same opinion?

This is a massive shock to your system, how do you feel? You ok?

[Lottapianos]

Hi OP, my mother is very similar. Absolute rod of iron with normal childhood boundary pushing, inconsistent emotional warmth, often cold and critical, sometimes very loving and springs into action in the event of crisis of illness. And yes, shes the root of all my mental health issues as well I have had epic battles with depression and anxiety and am a people pleaser in recovery

Loads of therapy and detaching from her was the way forward for me. It's a real revelation when you start to see a toxic parent's behaviour clearly and it's normal to have very mixed feelings. I hope that sharing them on here helps you x

[MintyChapstick]

I'm not sure, Ive never asked DB what he thinks. I know that he had to tell her not go around and let herself into his house when he's not there, she has trouble with boundaries as well you see. She used to barge into my bedroom when I was growing up, no knocking. I suppose that's the same thing.

[Lottapianos]

Yep, trouble with boundaries is classic with parents like this. They don't really see you as a separate person at all, so it doesn't occur to them to respect your privacy. It's very unsettling and very confusing