Apologies in advance for the wall of text.
My OH and I have been together for literally 3 years last week. Our start was a bit all over the place - we met, fell in love fast. I was not long out of a 6 year relationship. (I moved to our city for me, however, not for him). I was studying and freelancing so was quite well paid, able to rent my own studio flat. I kept that for 6 months before moving in with him and his mother/dog/child while we looked for a place of our own. YES, I KNOW. I'M AN IDIOT AND ALL THE SIGNS WERE THERE THAT THIS MAN IS INCAPABLE OF RUNNING HIS OWN LIFE.
Things are ok for a time, then get pretty tense. I was made redundant from my well-paid job; this meant that it was either give up uni, or give up hopes of being with him. I chose to give up uni and get a job. I've worked hard on my career and I'm in a great job, though far from what I want to be doing with my life to be honest. I'm lucky though, I get that.
We finally, after a year of hunting, find somewhere to move to (Bristol is almost as brutal as London). he finally gets a job he promises he can stick out.
Now, his job offers a perk where you can leave early some days if they calculate the staff rota'd in will be too much for the day's workload. In 6 months, my boyfriend did not do a full week. Of course, he managed to get sacked. His answer, as always, is that he hates working in cal centres, he's sorry, he'll do something different. This was back in October.
I work in retail, so luckily for us, it was a time when I was going to be working 60 odd hours a week anyway - we could cope til he found a new job.
Which happened in March. And now again in June. The job he's in now, tbf, is a kitchen position. I trust that it's a better fit for him.
However, also luckily, a new company website meant I continued doing 6 days weeks, of upwards of 50 hours minimum a week.
I was bone tired, depressed, knew my OH was lying about going into work on some days. I was physically and emotiuonally exhausted. His drinking was out of control again (he managed to quit for three weeks) and has led him to decisions and treatment I'm not... appreciative of.
Now, in three years with this man, I've paid for hte bulk of our social life. I've been the one single handedly supporting his son in our end of that parenting nargain. And over the past few weeks, he's gotten more and more upset that the intimacy is gone.
WELL DUH. YOU LET ME FUCKING SLAVE MYSELF TO THE BONE FOR YOU AND CARRIED ON LYING, DRINKING AND SPENDING MY MONEY.
He's trying to make out that the most important thing in our relationship is sex - mainly, I suspect, because he's awkward, has only had one LTR before (oh, yeah, the mother of his child, who is still - STILL - married to) and it's important for him in order to feel loved and attractive. Our sex life has definitely dwindled - for a couple of months, that's all - while I struggle with dealing with him, but the intimacy has not. Over the last few weeks he's repeatedly brought this up, and has not added some new accusations about his son and the way I treat hime (I apparently care too little, whilst also caring so much that I'm destroying our relationship). I lost it yesterday. After being accused of all that and he greets me in the morning like fuck all is wrong, I told him to do one and left for a while. Cue accusations about how I'm like my (narcissist, abusive, demon bitch of a mother who he has never met and who has left me with a crippling eating disorder and physical and mental scars).
We tried to talk later - sat in different rooms, via text/whatsapp. His pattern was to switch between "I feel unloved cos you don't have enough sex with me" - which, by the way, he wants to be all kinky sex (which I enjoy, but I'd also like some vanilla from time to time, fgs) so I apparently don't even get a say; and switching between over the top statements like "I'm so worthless I should just die better for you and [son] :) x"
I'm not being crazy, right? I don't deserve to be dealing with all this shit and then getting called all sorts because my fucking idiot manchild can't understand THAT HE'S DESTROYED ALL OUR INTIMACY?
I'm fucking gutted.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Relationship becoming ever more complicated, not sure who is wrong
BristolPistol · 20/06/2016 09:44
Yes, the shame is all his. You couldn't have done more for him. Don't beat yourself up; just toughen up and put yourself first 
Not in my early 20s, but maybe just never got out of the mindset? I have a lot to think about, and I think that's where this feeling of stupidity/shame is coming from
I think that a lot of our processes come from much younger than our twenties. You repeatedly call yourself stupid. I wonder where this shame comes from
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