Is it me? Or him?

[BoopTheSnoot]

I'm posting here because I just need to vent.
DS1 is 23 months old. DS2 is two and a half weeks old. DH works full time and I'm obviously on maternity leave.
I've done every single night feed since DS2 was born and look after both children alone all day. This means that after bad nights, I'm running round after a toddler and a newborn on an hours sleep. As well as doing all the housework, washing and cooking.
DH has started acting funny towards me, snapping etc but won't say what the problem is. It's just about pushing me over the edge, I'm having a really hard time. Some days I feel like I'm drowning. He sods off to bed at 10pm, falls asleep straightaway and gets up at 7am. Then he moans about how tired HE is! Really? That nine hours a night of unbroken sleep taking it out of you?
I don't know what to do. I'm too exhausted for an argument with him but the way he speaks to me is getting me down. What do I do?

[babba2014]

I just read the replies. He has no excuse if DS is feeding from a bottle. I bf but if I was expressing then that is hard work and I'd hand the baby to dad and say here, your turn. If he was doing okay with your first then he can do more for the second. I can't believe he gets a full night's sleep.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Boop

re your comment:-
"I'd describe him as distant during the pregnancy. For example, he never felt the baby move- he was always preoccupied with something else.
When he can be arsed he can be a wonderful dad to DS1. But that's the issue- it's only when he can be bothered, and that's not fair on a little boy"

Indeed it is not.

I would also argue that he is not a wonderful dad anyway to either of his children for that matter. He seems to have checked out of family life altogether.

You did not answer what you get out of this relationship (I presume you cannot answer that which is in itself very telling) or what his family of origin are like (my guess is very much the same as him). So what is the point of this man?. I honestly think that you and he would be better off apart.

[BoopTheSnoot]

I'm not sure what I get out of it. Not being alone I guess. But I am still lonely. I'm in a position where I'm married to a man that I love, but don't like. Does that make any sense? I suspect that he doesn't like me much either.
I've posted about his family before in AIBU. His mum is ok on the whole, but his dad is a controlling, bullying shit.

[treeagate]

Could it be the reality of fatherhood has hit him and he has the men's version of post natal depression. He sounds depressed to me. I know my own husband often behaves like this but underneath he's panicking at the responsibility of it all. He now has 3 people who depend on him for everything which is a lot of responsibility. Can you get a babysitter even for a couple of hours so the two of you can talk about how you feel?

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

Parenting is about team work and being there for each other as well as the children. We all have off days but it sounds like your husband is like this all the time.

He is being completely useless both as a husband and father. You are doing EVERYTHING and he carries on like he's still single.

Life is tooooooo short for this kind of relationship. So firstly ask yourself whether he has the ability to change or not. Then, if you realise he won't change, ask yourself how long you are prepared to put up with it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I'm not sure what I get out of it. Not being alone I guess. But I am still lonely.

You can be both alone and lonely when you are so badly accompanied in a marriage.

What is there to love about him exactly? Or is your love for him really based on some unhealthy co-dependency?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships; surely not this example of one?.

And if his own father is a controlling type (unsurprisingly his wife enables him and acts as a bystander) I would argue both of them are not good examples of grandparent figures. I hope you and your children keep well away from such toxic people.

[allthemoomins]

I am a single mum Boop, and honestly the loneliness sucks but I do hope to meet someone new eventually which will change that. Unless your DH changes his behaviour you'll be stuck being lonely with no hope of it changing.

Obviously there's probably more to it than what you can fit into a post on a forum but at face value he doesn't sound very committed to your family and you deserve way more. Could you put this to him? Have you discussed it before?

[lifeissweet]

He needs to know that this is last chance saloon, or he won't take it seriously.

If he isn't capable of having them on his own for a few hours then he would find being a single father - and having them on his own at least every other weekend - even tougher.

So it's at least 50/50 on the childcare and housework front at weekends - and help with some of the night feeds EVERY NIGHT or he'll be doing the same without your support.

He needs to shape up or your resentment will build and build until you no longer love him at all.

Says someone who knows and has a divorce to show for it.

ExH is a brilliant Dad now - and amazingly hands on with his latest 2 (he is actually a SAHD!) but it took me throwing him out for him to learn that. His current DW thanks me for that!

[BoopTheSnoot]

Well this afternoon I snapped. Kids were both napping, so I asked him what his attitude was all about.
"I'm just in a bad mood. Am I not allowed to be in a bad mood? Am I not allowed to be tired?"
Well it was like a switch had been flipped and the floodgates opened. I asked him exactly what he had to be in a mood about; the ample sleep he's getting? The lovely clean and tidy house he comes home to? His laundered and ironed clothes? His ready-made packed lunch and cooked dinner? The nightly shower/bath that he gets to take alone without at least one of the kids ending up in there with him?
He was looking at me like this
I told him that I feel like I'm doing this all alone, and that I've started to feel as if I'm drowning. I said that we're supposed to be one solid unit and we can't go on if we're not both fully committed to family life. Our student days are far behind us and he needs to stop treating me like his mother and step up for our sons. I then went to my mums, sat on my own and had a good cry (she was at work, I have a key).
I'd calmed down when I went home about an hour later. He's said he's going to take care of DS2 tonight so I can sleep and take the boys out tomorrow so I can have some time to myself. He's promised to start helping more and doing at least one of the night feeds.
I'm highly sceptical. Is he placating me because he thinks I'll drop it after one weekend of help? I guess we'll find out this week.

[Gide]

Hmm. Wonder how long it'll last? A non harmful way of showing him what it's like for you is to do nothing other than take care of the DCs' needs for a couple of days. Literally feed, wash and so on, but crucially, do absolutely nothing else, no washing up, no tidying/cleaning other than to keep the children safe: are you seriously making his bloody packed lunch for him?! Wtaf?! Behave!! He's got some serious making up/stepping up to do.

[Jimjamjoos]

Packed lunch and ironing

[BoopTheSnoot]

I know, I know. No more packed lunches. It's funny you should say that, I did two loads of washing this morning (I'd forgotten what an amazing amount of washing a newborn produces, plus toddler) and miraculously, none of DH's stuff seemed to find its way into the machine. He noticed, but didn't say much about it.
If he noticed missing out on his clothes being washed for one day, imagine how he'd react to me going on strike for a couple of days

[HarrietSchulenberg]

I have no advice, I'm afraid, but I sympathise completely. ExH was exactly the same.
He never managed to share the load, preferring instead to play his sodding Playstation all evening, having arrived home at random (late) hours of the evening without warning.
Life is actually much easier without him around, although of course our split was entirely my fault and he is the poor, wronged father .
Good luck.

[Jimjamjoos]

Well done for starting to make changes. I had two under two and it's easy to drown.

[BoopTheSnoot]

It's so hard isn't it Jimjamjoos?
Harder than I thought it would be. Some days that really is how I feel- like I'm just drowning under the weight of it all. Some days the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that the newborn phase doesn't last forever. And then I feel so guilty for not savouring every moment of it.
Some moments are magical, but some are shit. DH does not understand this. I think he expects me to be deliriously happy all the time because I have children.

[junebirthdaygirl]

The only thing that kept me sane in those days was dh keeping baby while l went to bed when toddler went. That won't kill him. I was bf so dh brought baby to me when needed a feed. It was heaven not to have to listen for baby so could just sleep. Resting then helped milk supply so when baby fed well he slept well. That is an absolute must for your sanity. Also it's a nice bonding time for dh and baby. Good on you for putting your foot down now go to bed and rest every night at that time.

[Jimjamjoos]

If you saw my other posts under my million other user names, I've pretty much found the whole thing hellish!!!

If you can afford a couple of afternoons childcare for the toddler, do that!

[mumofhandsomeboys]

MAKE him help. Stop doing his lunches. He'll only go hungry once before he starts doing his own. Have your tea with the kids before he gets in, then he'll have to cook his own. Wash yours and the kids clothes and not his, he'll quickly learn to use the machine!
It is hard work with two kids, they take up all your time but he needs to realise just what you are doing for him. I think sometimes men genuinely don't realise how much work goes into running a house, they need to be shown, telling them doesn't work!
Good luck! Xx

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Sounds like a good result to me.

Placating through stepping up is the correct move on his part.

I would stay placated as long as he stays stepped up and become immediately vocal if he slips back down. Let him experience "happy wife, happy life".

[Oddsocksgalore]

I once fucked off for a couple of days when my kids were small and left him to it.

It improved drastically when I got home.

[BoopTheSnoot]

I know it sounds like I'm moaning about the boys, but I don't mean to. They're just acting their ages. I'm trying very hard to be the mum that they need me to be, and the mum that they deserve. I don't expect them to appreciate it, but I do expect DH to.
Sigh.
He has put DS1 to bed this evening. It did not go very well. Probably because he's used to me putting him to bed. But he did manage it in the end. Time will tell.

[BoopTheSnoot]

He's gone upstairs to do something (over an hour ago) just been up and I can hear him snoring. He's gone to fucking sleep. Currently sat in tears, just so disappointed.

[allthemoomins]

Was he any help last night OP?

[lifeissweet]

I'm so sorry, Boop. It sounds as though he has said all the right things to stop you being annoyed with me and has gone back to being selfish.

I hope he wakes up, feels guilty and takes the strain today. I really do

[smilingeyes11]

What a shame - it does all seem very much like lip service.