Revoked POA

[SymphonyofShadows]

Long, sorry. I was going to NC for this but can't be arsed.

Last year my mother, who is visually impaired, took out POAs for money and health, giving me the power of attorney. I get shopping, deal with mail, meds, applied for all her benefits, got her a iphone so she can use SIRI to call/text etc. and visit most days. My oldest DS also helps out a lot. Neither of my sisters live near and perhaps see her once a month. She made me POA because I do all the 'care' and as she blames one of my sisters for bad decisions made when my father was at the end of his life, regarding his medical care.
My other sister has a disability which means it would be difficult for her practically to act as POA.

A couple of months ago DP's elderly aunt, who has no children, needed our help. She lives quite some distance so we went overnight. While we were away my mother behaved appallingly, phoning me demanding I do things for her that I wasn't able to do etc. When I came back she had a massive strop over nothing which led to a heated row.

Now the aunt has suddenly been taken ill and is not expected to live for very much longer (particularly aggressive cancer). This means that we have had to fit in visiting her and sorting out practical things for her at a distance, DP is next of kin. My mother is still getting everything she needs but is not the main focus iyswim?

I was summoned yesterday to be told that she has revoked POA as "she wants to be more independent". I can't quite believe the stupidity. I tried to explain that she has just made herself more vulnerable purely out of spite. I just really don't know how to deal with this. When I went to walk away after the previous row she screamed "that's it, let me starve". She depends on me to get her food as there is literally no one else who is prepared to do it, I can't walk away but I dearly want to. I think she is worried that she won't have her will as a stick to beat me with once the aunt passes as she assumes DP will be the main beneficiary. My sisters are obsessed with their inheritance but I really don't think that way, particularly as I can see a time when she needs constant care so there may be no inheritance left, she has very little apart from her house. This doesn't seem to have occurred to the others. We have no idea what arrangements the aunt has made but we think most will go to charity, so my mother is making a lot of incorrect assumptions. I suspect she thinks her hold on me is somehow slipping away, which is ridiculous, I help because she is my mother not what's in it for me. I really don't know how to continue dealing with her.

[Pocketsprocket]

It seems ridiculous that to create the POA you need a doctor to certify capacity but to revoke it you don't. That doesn't seem right (even if it is legally correct).

Just looked it up, this page is relevant:
www.gov.uk/use-or-cancel-an-enduring-power-of-attorney

[SymphonyofShadows]

Thanks Pocket, I'll give it a good read.

The GP called me back. She took it really seriously. She asked me to explain my concerns in detail and gave me the number of a direct access service in case my mother suddenly seems a lot worse. There is review of meds due so the GP can assess my mother then if the situation doesn't worsen.

When I think about it my mother must have had help actually paying the solicitor as she can't see to enter a pin no or write a cheque, so something smells rotten there. I know it's not my sisters as they don't drive. That should hopefully reveal itself though as no doubt she'll throw the name of whoever is 'helping' her and their perceived sainthood in my face. Friday is 'M&S food day' but DS will go and get the list and drop the shopping off, hopefully this will avoid any nastiness. I'll tackle her about getting paid help after half term, I don't want this spoiling the last bit.

[mumcantmakeadecision]

My husbands grand mother did the exact same thing to us. Gave POA to a neighbour because she fell out with us. I actually felt a fair bit of relief.

[SymphonyofShadows]

I do feel some relief but I know that I'll get emotional blackmail as the rest of the family won't step up. I've just been trying to explain to my sister that POA doesn't actually give me some unfair advantage, its just protection. I've tried to explain that now I can't ring the GP to query meds, phone the utilities on my mother's behalf etc. or pay for her shopping using a card from her account. I could take the risk, but why should I? Posting on this thread has made me really think about her behaviour and I can now see that a pattern, she lashes out every time there is a school/college holiday and the DCs are getting some of my attention. Her own grandchildren FFS.

DS1 has walked round to get the shopping list and he says he'll sort out her online shopping order on his college day off, but she is going to have to forget the 'M&S bits' going forward unless she gets someone else to do it. I hate that he has had to see all this but he is 18 and wants to help.

[weaselwords]

Online shopping is a good idea. Will he have to put it away for her?

Your son is a good 'un.

[SymphonyofShadows]

She likes to do the putting away herself. She can see enough for that, just not the small stuff. She can write a shopping list with one of those magnifiers that I can just about make out, but can't see where she would have to sign on a cheque.

DS1 is a really sweet boy, I think he feels torn though which is awful. She told him she doesn't need POA as she 'has that card from the council', I'm assuming she means the disability registration thing they send out

[SymphonyofShadows]

Bit of an update if anyone is interested.

Despite saying she would step up a bit, my sister hasn't bothered to even contact our mother so I've had to continue with a scaled back version of what I was doing before otherwise she would literally starve. This is causing more bitterness and resentment from my mother but I am caught between a rock and a hard place. DS is really helping but I'm aware that she may be dripping poison that he really doesn't need to hear.

The confirmation of the revoked POAs came through today. There was a phone number on there so I called them to just log my discomfort about how this has been handled and that I'm not certain she has the mental acuity to make such a decision. I'm also concerned about how she has managed this, who has helped her and even who told her it was even possible to revoke. They agreed it was a little unusual given the short time they have been set up, and that they have been revoked rather than appointing another family member. They have asked me to write to their safeguarding dept. and explain my concerns. I don't know how it has come to this and I feel guilt for staying away so much but I can't stand much more of the vitriol.

[weaselwords]

Sounds like you've got the worst of it all. All the responsibility, but no way of doing things easily and no gratitude for doing them.

I honestly can't see any way out of this that doesn't leave you an exhausted, seething ball of resentment or your mother dead from starvation. Awful situation.

[SymphonyofShadows]

I'm going to try and condense the shopping down into one online shop, DS will get the list. There is someone from the visual impairment team who came out and did an assessment so I'll call him and ask him to visit her with a view to providing more help. She will have to pay.

[TortoiseSmile]

I read your posts Symphony and just wanted to say I really felt for you in your difficult situation.

I offerred to do a POA for my ageing mother (even though she can be difficult). In fact originally, I think it was her suggestion! I did the research, got a solicitor, etc etc and at the last minute she changed her mind. It was clear she didn't trust me, basically, and I felt kinda hurt. I am her only daughter btw. So, you are not the only one in this kind of situation. My mother can also "lash out" nastily for the strangest reasons, and in fact we have had periods of separation as a result.

She has clearly chosen to make herself more vulnerable because of her lack of trust. (The impression I had from my mother is that she was concerned I'd make decisions on her behalf to my advantage and to her disadvantage and she'd had second thoughts. This is part of her personality, her lack of trust and poor attitude to me). That is a decision she has made and will have to reap some of the consequences. If she has been nasty you are entitled to keep your distance to protect your own mental health. Though she may see this as confirmation that you don't really care about her, its a difficult one. You could still keep some lines of contact open, and its really very sweet your boys helping her. BTW, it is disgraceful that your sisters are doing nothing, but you are getting the grief. I see this time and time again in families, and it never makes any sense

[TortoiseSmile]

PS some of the words you used in your original post another stick to beat me with and I can't walk away but I dearly want to. I re-read your post and do see that hers was an angry and churlish reaction to getting all her needs met in a crisis but not the attention she feels she deserved! To be honest I see her as (at least sometimes) abusive and manipulative.

Maybe if you have a break from dealing with her she may come round! I did and it worked to a large degree, so far anyway! We spoke on the phone and she was still angry and rude. So I wrote to her saying that if she continued to be angry and rude I wouldn't call her either! She's been nicey pie since.

It sounds like you have done the right thing re. getting someone from visual impairments team too. And finally, I really don't think there's any easy answers. You will just have to walk along, and make what you hope are the best decisions. Look after yourself.

[Mamaka]

Can you look into funded carer breaks through carers trust or similar charities local to you? Even going to a carer support group might help relieve some pressure.

[SymphonyofShadows]

Thank you for the replies. I have told my sisters that they have to step up. One of them is more restricted as she has no hearing so she can't do any of the many phones calls etc. that my mother seems to generate but she can get on a bus and come round and do some cleaning. The other is very good at talking and organising people but doesn't like to get her hands dirty. I think I've frightened her though by talking about care homes. That is the last thing she wants as money is her main motivation. To be honest it might actually be the best thing though, moving forward.

Tortoise you are right, she is definitely abusive and manipulative. DS2 is adamant that he doesn't want to go round as she swears and shouts, he has decided this on his own and isn't aware of the POA stuff (he's 10). DS1 (18) is far more forgiving and good natured so I need to make sure she doesn't abuse this. I saw her today for the first time in a week and she was all sweetness, so low contact has obviously made her realise that she is the one losing out. I plan to carry on as I have been this past week or so and walk away from any abuse or nastiness, as this seems to work. Before I was foolishly trying to reason and defend myself, I see now that there is no point.

[Ginmakesitallok]

I'm confused by this all. Does your mum still have capacity? If so then the POA will not have been activated yet? Having poa is a legal entitlement to act on your mother's behalf, not something that means you have to run around after her.

[SymphonyofShadows]

It's two separate issues. The running around is just expected because I am the one who lives nearest and everyone knows I won't let her suffer and the POA, although not active, was revoked as some sort of bonkers punishment as I didn't give her what she consideres her due attention. The fall out from this means that I can't now protect her should she become incapable and on a day-to-day basis the GP won't deal with me on her behalf without it. So she has just hurt herself. As Tortoise said, abusive and manipulative behaviour.

[Ginmakesitallok]

The poa is a red herring. All the gp needs is her consent to deal with you. A poa is only needed where the person lacks capacity.

If your mum doesn't want your help well, hard though it is, you'll just have to step away.

[SymphonyofShadows]

She does want the help though, thats the issue. She wants me to be at her beck and call and, as I have explained about, when I'm not she lashes out. This last time it was by revoking the POA as she somehow thought it would hurt me. It did in the sense that it looks like she doesn't trust me, but it was also a wanton waste of her precious savings and has left her vulnerable if something happens.

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

She's your mum, and you can't let her starve I see that.

Equally I think you need to take a bit of a step back for your own sanity. You say your mum has a bit of money? If your sisters won't pitch in can you look at getting paid carers in to help her out etc - that should take some of the emotion out of it and five you a break so that you are more able to (if you want) interact with your mother outside the drudgery of caring for her.

[SymphonyofShadows]

This is what I am slowly doing. Her only real asset is the house, she doesn't have a huge amount of savings but she does get attendance allowance that I have made clear to her is supposed to be for paid help, so she can use that.

[SymphonyofShadows]

Another update: I posted on the 'mothers and daughters' thread so I thought I better update here in case anyone is interested.

My Mother had a bad appointment at the eye clinic the other day and decided that it was my fault that her eyesight is so bad. When the most recent loss occurred, just after Christmas 2014, she asked me to see whether she could be seen at a Moorfields clinic nearer her home. I did as she asked and it meant a delay in the treatment, but no one has ever said this worsened her sight. And I asked the question at her behest. It seems that she got a stroppy doctor last time who made a big deal of the delay and has somehow led her to think her sight would have been better if she hadn't waited. All I did was ask a question that she specifically instructed me to ask. When she got back she lashed out at me on the phone but she caught me at a difficult time as DP's aunt is now in a hospice and has taken a turn for the worse. I've told her in anger that she is on her own as I just can't take the abuse. To be honest, her accusations floored me.

I tried to speak to one of my sisters, who already has a difficult and very argumentative relationship with our Mother, but she just thinks it will blow over as they never address their issues, just end up speaking again after they have both calmed down. Not exactly healthy! She has not increased what she is doing for our Mother, and absolutely lost it when I pointed out what the Attendance Allowance is meant to be for. She is very mean with money so any suggestion of paid care was always going to be difficult but I mean it this time. DS1 goes round and gets her online shopping list and I arrange for it to be delivered. This is as far as I am prepared to go, I won't be doing any top-up run of 'nice bits' to M&S any longer. If she wants that then someone else will have to step up. When I was out with DS2 yesterday I saw her going to the local shop with her walker seat thing, presumably as my sister hasn't bothered to fill the gap in what I had been doing. I felt like utter dogshit but I have to be strong otherwise no one will take it seriously and do their bit. I have had over 18 months of it all falling to me, for her to treat me in this way and accuse me of something so cruel is the last straw. I have to step away for the sake of my sanity and for my family. DP can't quite believe how evil she has been and DS2 calls her 'Shouty Nana' and refuses to go round. DS1 is such a sweet boy that he will still go and check on her but he gets very upset at the her behaviour, so I feel awful about that too.

[Bugsylugs]

If your mother gives consent then you can lease with GP

[Isetan]

You have a toxic mother, who just so happens to be disabled and old. Disability and old age, don't give her special dispensation to be an ungrateful entitled bitch. You've done the right thing, stay strong

[SymphonyofShadows]

Thanks, it's taken me a long time to face up to just how toxic she is. The guilt is weighing me down but then I remember what evil things she's said to me. The original thing about revoking the POA was just a mad attempt at lashing out because someone else was, in her mind, getting more attention. Never mind that it meant she squandered a third of her savings as long as she could 'teach me a lesson' that in reality only potentially hurts her. It's bonkers.