Relationship - man with MH issues

[Confusedsitcom]

Hello MNetters, I'm hoping someone can give me some advice!

I'm a single parent to 2 DDs aged 7 and 3. I have recently started dating a really nice man and have been thinking about making it more serious - possibly introducing him to my DDs. He has no DC of his own.

The other day he confessed to me that he has a history of mental illness. I knew he currently claims ESA although I hadn't asked why as I didn't want to pry until he felt ready to tell me. He has a history of depression, also he has bouts of seeing things/hearing voices, amongst other strange thoughts and dreams. He is currently on medication which controls this but if he were to stop taking it he could slip back into it and the doctors do not think he is yet fit for work. He has had periods where he has forgot or stopped taking the meds for whatever reason and was in sheltered accommodation a few years ago.

I was shocked when he told me as he seems so together, I couldn't imagine him having these problems. Of course though my DDs have to come first and while I do like him a lot I feel this may be too much for me to handle. I don't want to pre judge him but I'm just not sure I'd be strong enough to cope with this. If anyone has any advice I'd be grateful for it.

[LuluJakey1]

You have made the right decision OP.

[Confusedsitcom]

I haven't told him yet. I'm not sure how to word it. I feel like an awful person now especially as it must have been very hard for him to tell me.

[princessmi12]

I think you dodged a bullet OP.
Well done put your dcs and yourself first!

[FoofooLeSnoo]

Wow Op, I'm sorry to say, that having lived with this for years now, run for the fucking hills and don't look back. It's so, so hard, I can't even begin to explain. The fact that you have kids of your own makes me say you must protect yourself from this potential car crash.

[sugarplumfairy28]

My DH has Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder (diagnosed after our children were born)

Mental health issues can cause problems, true, but the only way to make an informed decision is to talk to him about his specific situation. When my DH has an episode yes the children notice, and it can affect them, but no more so than with any other illness a person can have.

On a very ruthless basis, find out whether he has a fixed meds regime or whether they are still trialing meds. Ask the last time he had an episode and ask for details on what can happen. If he is a keeper (irrespective of MH issues) he should understand that you have children and you need to know what you are getting into.

Try to be understanding and supportive as he may feel uneasy talking about it.

[SandyY2K]

Good call.

[KittyandTeal]

Tbh I take it back. Looking at it he seems to have very sever mental health issues. You could end up taking on a huge amount if he slipped again

[gandalf456]

Was he ok about it?

[PPie10]

I think you made the best decision op. It wouldn't be right to bring all sorts of possible problems into your dcs lives. It really would have been more trouble than it's worth pursuing. Your kids really don't need all of this.

[Confusedsitcom]

Thank you all. After having spoken to him some more I think I may have to let this one go. He told me he has had episodes of delusion in the past where he believed tap water was being poisoned and other things. If I didn't have DCs to consider it would be different and I don't want to stigmatise people but I don't think pursuing a relationship would be in either of our best interests.

[tensmum1964]

I think you are doing the right thing in asking advice and considering your position long term. It isnt about stigmatising people. When I was a single parent considering introducing a new man in to our lives (we have been together 17 yrs now) I considered a lot of long term issues before I committed. I felt I had a duty to my children to do so. I spent a long time in a relationship with him before I introduced him to my children. A couple of months isnt really long enough. In terms of his mental health issues, I know a lot of people in relationships with partners with MH issues/diagnosis and as brutal as it is to say, their lives are very hard and their children are affected. Take a lot more time to think, get to know him more, meet his friends/family (you learn a lot about a person by getting to know people who have known them a long time) Dont rush in to anything and go with your gut instincts and your head not your heart.

[SteveBobSteve]

Dr

[timelytess]

My mother had severe mental health problems. It affected everyone in the family and still does, even after her death. As someone with mh issues myself, I counsel you, for the sake of your DDs...

run for the hills.

[Molly333]

I work in mental health and what he's decribing to you is psychosis with depression . I would suggest you look them both up . Importantly also he must have relapsed pretty badly in the past to need supportive housing ?? Also it is v common for people with this to stop taking medication and to relapse v badly !!! In my opinion if it were me ( I'm a single mum too ) I would leave well alone , I'm saying that because I have lots of experience of psychosis and its v serious

[gandalf456]

I think with two dc so small, I'd not proceed either but feel a bit sorry for him when he's obviously just started to open up. It is not necessarily because it's mental health either. Any chronic health problem is going to put pressure on you and you have a lot on your plate as it is with two young children

[RestlessTraveller]

I can only base this on my own horrific experiences of being in a relationship with someone who has depression and personality disorder. I would get out now!

[soggyweetabix]

It's harsh but I have to agree that I think you need to walk away from this one. I have MH issues myself, but I am under treatment and am very aware of it. I dated a man a couple of years ago who apparently suffered from very bad SAD. That in itself was ok, but he was not doing anything to actively address his illness. I have young children I just felt that I was unable (and, to be honest, unwilling) to support someone in that position; my children's needs have to come first.
I know that your situation is different, but I think that it is too young a relationship for you offer the kind of support that the chap is likely to need in the long term, to the possible detriment of your DCs.

[SandyY2K]

With two children to think about, I'd feel I have to come out of the relationship. If he had it to the extent that he lost his home and can't work, then it must have been very serious.

Relationships are tough enough as it is, without such added complications.

Also... isn't a couple of months much to soon to introduce to your kids regardless. You don't where a relationship is headed so soon.

Don't bring this man with MH to the degree he has into your children's lives.

[Dozer]

Being a good/bad person isn't the point. The point is why continue when he's obviously got health problems that prevent him supporting himself and could make having a good relationship and ultimately (a long time down the line) living together (and step parenting your DC) difficult? You only just met him so ending the relationship wouldn't be a big deal.

[princessmi12]

Well now you know it's unlikely to be short term out of work situation. It doesn't make him a bad person but can make him being a cocklodger and unable to help you when you really need his help.If you strong enough to deal with financial side of things on your own -fine but I personally wouldn't want someone like that around my dcs .

[Confusedsitcom]

I did know he wasn't working, yes. That doesn't make someone a bad person though. I didn't know whether it was temporary, permanent or what the situation was until he told me.

[princessmi12]

seeing things/hearing voices is a common sign of schizophrenia,it is a hereditary illness.
OP you already dated him for couple of months ,presumably you known from the start he's out of work. What is the appeal of dating someone who's out of work? Hence my comment about being desperate for male attention

[ALaughAMinute]

Should have said that even if he has only had one episode it could happen again.

You need to think very seriously about this particularly as you have such young children.

[Dozer]

With DC to consider I wouldn't really want to date anyone unable to work due to ill health.

Even aside his health issues, why were you considering introducing him to your DC so early in the relationship?

[ALaughAMinute]

He has a history of depression, also he has bouts of seeing things/hearing voices, amongst other strange thoughts and dreams.

OP, this sounds like psychosis and unless he's only had one episode it might happen again.

I think you should ask him a bit about his background and if he's been given a formal diagnosis. You can then educate yourself and take it from there.