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Depressed, alcoholic husband

25 replies

chalky3 · 17/05/2016 23:53

My DH is suffering from depression.
It first came to light around 7 months ago when he got very drunk one night and took an overdose of painkillers, I was at work at the time and only found out the next morning, prompting a trip to A&E (he was physically fine).
The next couple of months were sheer hell. After that incident I wouldn't leave him alone with our 3 year old DS, for both their sakes, as DH was very fragile. He was off work for a while and I missed work on several occasions when he was not in a fit state to be left alone. For several weeks I had to work different shifts to be able to arrange childcare for DS, which made me feel guilty for putting such a strain on my colleagues and my childminder.
He became violent towards me also. He had developed an obsession that I had cheated on him, which I have never done, and would accuse me over and over, and resorting to hitting me to get the 'truth'.
I had reason to call the Police on two occasions; the first he disappeared and sent me texts suggesting he was going to kill himself, the second he was threatening me, and I believed was about to become violent (though he didn't actually hit me on that occasion). When he realised I'd called the Police, he attempted to hang himself from the bannister. He was arrested after the second incident and spent two nights locked up, after which the violence stopped.
Both suicide attempts resulted in treatment by mental Heath services. However, the support was withdrawn after a couple of weeks when he was deemed to no longer be a danger to himself. I think he would really have benefitted from long term councilling, but instead he just has antidepressants to help him recover.

DH is also an alcoholic. He has always liked a drink but his drinking reached new levels when the depression took hold, which of course didn't help his state of mind or recovery. He regularly drinks to excess, and freely admits it makes him feel good and helps him 'escape' the bad feelings. However, he doesn't see the damage it's doing to his wellbeing, mental and physical health, and relationship with his family.

On top of all this he recently left his job because he had admitted receiving a drugs caution to his employer. They gave him the choice of resigning of facing disciplinary action, which would most likely result in him getting the sack, so he left.
He has terrible money problems too and had recently made an individual voluntary arrangement to pay some of the debt off. Now he has no income so he can't make the payments.

While he is better than he was 6 months ago, he has a long way to go. He's a good Dad, and when he tries to be, a loving husband. His moods are erratic; he might be a happy family man one day, but a drunken mess the next. He helps with childcare due to my shifts, but DS still goes to a childminder for a few hours whenever I'm working. He doesn't help out with DS if I'm around though. He's still paranoid that I'm cheating. He disappears to the pub, or just starts drinking whenever the mood takes him. He rarely does any housework or walks the dogs, and he sleeps a ridiculous amount of time every day, except when he's drinking.
Last week I though he'd turned a corner. He did lots of work improving our garden over a couple of days and spent some time doing things with us, he seemed happy and we were too. After a hard morning's work he started drinking cans of lager, got drunk, spent the next day in bed and has gone back to being withdrawn and exhausted. Ironically he was discharged from mental health services last week (after only two appointments, months apart).

I'm finding it all very difficult to cope with. I know I have to be understanding and supportive, but it's so difficult to be caring when I resent the way he behaves, how he treats me, and how his drinking affects our family life. Where do I draw the line between his illness and his bad behaviour? I feel as if I'm on my own, caring for DS, running the household, paying the bills, working, and of course, caring for him. I'm so unhappy and we argue a lot as a result, which is very unhelpful, I know. I often feel like I want to 'leave' him, but I can't abandon him when I'm his only support. He would never leave of his own accord either. If only he would try to help himself and see what really matters to him, he could be on the road to recovery.

How can I help him to help himself? Or is he a lost cause? Should I end things with him as I really can't see how the situation will improve? Or is this just part of married life (in sickness and health)? Is there anywhere I can get practical advice and support that helps our particular situation? We can't continue like this

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BreakfastLunchPasta · 18/05/2016 00:04

No, this is not part of married life, and no - you do not have to be supportive and understanding to a man who has been violent to you.
The only person who can help him is himself, and maybe Alcoholics Anonymous.
You need to think of your son (and your own safety of course), don't you agree he deserves better? My dh grew up with an alcoholic father, and it ruined his childhood.