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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Not sure about this advice from counsellor

36 replies

TerrorOnTheTower · 12/05/2016 19:38

DH and I have been in counselling for a number of months. We have a good relationship with the counsellor. During the process we've identified that I have some PTSD relating to birth trauma (and there is still some physical damage which I'm trying to get fixed) and I've been having some solo counselling to deal with that. Early on DH said that one of his issues is the lack of intimacy/sex between us.

Recently the counsellor (female) has been really pushing me on it. She's given me "homework" which basically amounts to forcing myself to have sexual contact with my DH, whether I want to or not. She thinks that making him "feel like a man" will improve our relationship. I would have to force myself because there are lots of unresolved issues day to day for me that mean I don't really see DH that way (and I certainly don't feel much attraction to him).

Just can't help but think that the "grin it and bear it" advice is a bit 1950s housewife. Has anyone any thoughts on this?

OP posts:

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Rarity75 · 12/05/2016 20:32

And he needs to put some work in too!!
Massive change when you become a mum. Your whole role/life changes, and your relationship too. Takes work from both sides to find each other again.

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BiscuitMillionaire · 12/05/2016 20:38

Just tell her you've thought about the 'homework' and decided that you can't do it. Then give the reasons that you've given here. She can't force you. If she gets too pushy then tell her that you're not happy with being pushed, and are considering terminating the sessions.

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VoldysGoneMouldy · 12/05/2016 20:40

Get a new counselor. "make him feel like a man"? When you aren't able - mentally or physically - do have sex right now? Essentially she's asking you to be a sex toy whilst pushing your PTSD aside.

This is no way to save a relationship, and no way to work on your own issues.

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/05/2016 20:43

Buy some logs and an axe. He can chops logs. That'll make him feel like a man.

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Guiltypleasures001 · 12/05/2016 21:16

I think the sex and PTSD is a red herring op

You name a lot of things that make you pull away from him and lose respect, when we feel that way about someone we don't want them near us yet alone inside us.

To allow penetration is about mutual trust and need, you sound like your a long way away from this.
I think there's far too much enphasis on your trauma op, not for a minute am I dismissing it obviously, I just don think it's the reason your not intimate with him.

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Guiltypleasures001 · 12/05/2016 21:18

And yeah feel like a man, what the actual f, how old is she ?

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Fourormore · 12/05/2016 21:39

Is it possible that "feeling like a man" has been misunderstood? I mean, I like to "feel womanly", does she mean it like that rather than you becoming passive to allow him to "feel like a man" in a dominating sense?

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Hissy · 12/05/2016 21:46

Things have changed over the years. I find there's no mystery when you've lived together for 14 years. He "forgets" mother's day, my birthday etc. He/we don't have so much time to talk about interesting things. He pursues his interests, I don't really have any anymore. I'm not working now so our income is limited. We can't just drop everything.

:(

How bout he makes you feel like a woman? Like one who's valued?

Remembering birthdays
Mothers days
Just because days
Making sure you have time to do what makes you happy?

Cos none of that needs to cost much.

Cheaper than a divorce anyway, which is where this is headed unless you start feeling more like a woman and less like an appliance.

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WriteforFun1 · 12/05/2016 21:51

so OP do you not even sit down and watch Sherlock or whatever together and then chat about it?

I think this counsellor is putting the cart before the horse frankly.

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flowerpower10 · 12/05/2016 22:29

Idea only it helped me reconnect with my husband physically I have PTSD relating to rape

but show him let him Watch you pleasure yourself it's about building lust and trust with out making you physically uncomfortable

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TimeforaNNChange · 12/05/2016 22:59

I agree with write - you need to get to know each other as people again before you can consider intimacy.
Do you know what is important to each other? How each others values and opinions have changed since becoming parents? Do you know what makes each other smile? What are your inside jokes - things only the two of you understand? Do you know what parts of life the other struggles with? What the other fears?

I found that I had to get to know myself and understand myself again before I could share that with anyone else.