Can someone help me wade through this crap as it's becoming too much

[Onthedowns]

I am really beginning to resent my life and don't know where to turn. Have 10 week old DS who was premature in special care and now has horrendous silent reflux and cmpi which we still battling to get on top of! I also have 4 yr old dd. I was never fussed about second child I find it hard to get pregnant and just got to stage if not happening going back on contraception when it happened. crap pregnancy early birth and horrendous clingy non sleeping baby. 4 yr old hates me won't listen to a word I say . I am fed up with having no money, doing our house up is on hold we don't have enough bedrooms and our extension is delayed, our kitchen is falling apart. Myself and DH dont sleep in same bed as we shift sleep with DS. My life seems to be trying to stay afloat with housework, cooking cleaning washing food shopping hospital appts. I can't seem to adjust to having a newborn baby again. I shower but can't wash my hair sometimes for days as don't have the time. My DH goes to work I know he works hard but then he doesn't do anything esle apart from his shift with DS. He manages football training etc I start my day between 3-30/4 as DS will only sleep upright. DH doesn't understand why I am so tired as I have 5 hours sleep before hand. We argue constantly. I can't see any end to it , my dd had reflux and can't believe I have a second child with it too. I want to run away and leave them all to it. How do I manège to wade through this crap and come out otherside?

[PickleBot]

Maybe you need to show him what your life is like. Keep a pad and pen with you for a week and write down every single thing you do with the time. Then once you've done it give it to him and go somewhere else. Then he'll see that you're running on empty and need some back up. You could try telling him that by not supporting you, helping you and running off to his mummy all the time he is putting your relationship in jeopardy. He might just not notice until you spell it out to him.

[Onthedowns]

But yes DH just thinks his life has flipped back to normal doesn't get why it hasn't. He makes evening arrangements etc without checking and gets the knock when I say no. It's impossible at the moment until DS is settled to do anything it's so stressful . DH doesn't really get why his life should change .

[Onthedowns]

Thank you I had crossed my mind about ranitidine it's just the pure not sleeping he will settle better early evening but then after 11-12 feed that's it, he won't lay on his back at all it's a nightmare . DH seems to think he can get him to settle and I can't. His settling involved DS waking every 15 minutes. Neocate is the next step we have omprezole too I don't think the acid is hurting so much now we need to get on top of him bringing up the feed and it not settling. My dd is getting a hard time as I am shattered and pre occupied so she's very angry with me which I get. Family don't get it either they think it's is causing sleep problems with DS. DH sides with mil about it and we spend our whole life arguing. I love DS but an ending up resenting him

[Baconyum]

Argh just read that your husband really taking piss! As baby is bottle fed I strongly recommend leaving kids with him for a bit, let him see what it's like. If possible overnight (regardless of him having work the next day - if you can be expected to run a home and care for 2 dc including a poorly young baby he can suck it up for one day!)

[Baconyum]

Definitely your 'd' h needs his arse kicked! I get so annoyed seeing 'oh but he's got to go to work' as if mum's doing nothing all bloody day!

He needs to knock the footie on the head while this is all going on. And he needs to get that 5 hours (broken?) Sleep is not enough! (I'd be waking him up after he's been asleep 5 hours!)

Yes reach out for more support, health visitors usually know what's available in your area.

And this too shall pass it won't always be like this.

[idontlikealdi]

Also I remember having an almighty fight with DH because at the weekends he just did why he used to do, garden / cycling etc. He didn't realise how much I need a break until I fling a bottle at his head in pure rage and frustration. He stepped up after that. Have you told him how you're feeling?

[idontlikealdi]

Massive sympathy op. DTs were in SCBU, came home after 6 weeks, I was completley detached from them. Money was a massive worry, DHs paternity was spent in hospital so I was on my own. It sucked. The girls had awful silent reflux.

BUT it got better, the meds got sorted and they were easier to deal with.

Honestly I've blanked out a lot of that time - fairly sure I had pnd, it may be worth having a chat with your GP / hv about anti depressants.

On a practical level are you getting meds sorted for the baby?

It won't be like this forever

[Ineedmorecoffee]

Completely understand how hard it is having a baby with cmpi, the constant screaming is horrific. The lack of understanding and support nearly broke me.
Monday's to do list
Contact surestart if they are in your area.
See your gp to get all the meds checked and milk changed to neocate (that stuff is magical).
If reflux is still awful ask about a milk thickner (carobel) as the cmpi milks are thinner and can cause their own problems.
Ranitidine is a tricky one, it may be causing stomach pains of its own. I didn't believe this until I took some myself and was in agony. I stopped giving it to mine.
There is an end to it all but you won't be able to see that yet. But you will get there and your baby will settle down, your older dd will stop hating you for a few years at least

[Onthedowns]

He doesn't think to ask me at weekend what would I like to do just does his own thing so I am stuck DS most if the day again. I say anything I get called a moaning cow

[Onthedowns]

I have tried this but I don't get much luck just that he's tired too etc working but weekends he's doing what he likes spending time in garden going on two stag doos

[PickleBot]

I think you need to make a list of "I" statements and sit him downland have a good talk with your DH. If you make sure everything on your list is about you and how you feel he won't feel like you are getting at him. So I find it hard to cope and need more help. I need you to spend more time helping at home. It is important for me to get out to my hair appointment because I need to feel like me sometimes and not someone's mum. I need to be in bed by 9 every night so I can cope with the night feeds and the next day. Hopefully if you spell it out to him like that he'll see that he's letting you down, because no question, he is.

[Onthedowns]

Dh just retorts he's tired too but I think he expects his life to just flip back to normal he has two stag doos coming up which I am dreading they are overnight ones. We are so different and I guess at times like these the differences come out. He's forever worrying about other people esp mil no need she isn't ill or anything. He's spent last two Sunday mornings doing her garden whilst we are knackered and our garden needs doing !

[Calmonthesurfacebut]

I feel for you, it's so hard, but it sounds like you need to stop being used by your DH and letting him go off to his football and doing whatever he wants, leaving you to deal with it all,

Have you actually said to him 'I can't cope, I feel like I am going mad, I need more help?' Saying you are tired and then letting him go off is giving him a mixed message and let's face it, you actually do have to spell it out to men, they don't 'see' what is going on, so no won't get it.

If you have said this, very clearly then you need to get someone else a close friend, his parents but someone to tell him, you also need to ask others to help you too, again,they only see a crying baby and may not like to step in, especially if you have always been a coper, is there anyone who can have him for even just an hour, to let you have a bath/Shower, or are you reluctant to leave him?

Have you parents near or friends? if not tell your health visitor, or contact Sure Start. Something needs to change, only you can make that happen if your DH can't see it,. It isn't fair, it can change, but you have to step up, which isn't easy when you are so overwhelmed.

You can do it OP, you have to.

[Cakescakescakes]

Omeprazole was amazing for my DS. Takes up to two weeks to kick in. Go back and ask for a higher dose of not effective after that.

[Onthedowns]

Thanks ! After 4 hours sleep last night DH went football training so I couldn't get to bed till gone 10 pm I took both kids to children's party last weekend so he could watch his team also delaying my hair appointment ! He doesn't get it

[DawnMumsnet]

Hi Onthedowns, we're moving this over to our Relationships topic for you now.

[Onthedowns]

Yes even on ranitidine now on omprezole as well, gaviscon not doing anything ! On nutramigen but I think neocate is needed as his tummy has gone back to normal ! People just think he is a naught non sleeping baby if only!

[anontoday23]

Lots of sympathy here. Can you try sure start centres / health visitor / doctors.... All
I can say is try and reach out and ask for help. Tell family how crap it is, tell friends... Neighbours... Maybe someone will step up and help you. I was lucky and when I had ds2, ds1 was 4 but had lots of play dates so I managed to palm him off which made dealing with ds2 easier

Is baby on the right meds? Ranitdine is amazing but hard to get prescribed. I used that plus gaviscon and I refused to give the iron supplement as that made the crying worse

And be easy on yourself where possible... Easy tea for ds1 etc don't set the bar high

It gets better... Promise ... But it does suck I agree for a long time and life seems a relentless grind ... It will get easier

[Onthedowns]

Hi yes she's at nursery two full days no mummy friends my parents are away a lot of the year. My DH just trots out the I am working line which I get. Today DS hasn't stopped screaming or napped properly as we are changing meds, trying to do tea for dd make sterilise bottles he's just screamed even in sling . I literally have had enough he's approaching 3 months but can't see it improving

[Gazelda]

Oh bless you! It sounds very hard. I second the suggestion to get in touch with Homestart. Even a couple of hours will give you time to have a good shower, maybe do an online shop and then walk To the park for 30 mins? Or 2 hours sleep?

Is your 4yo old at school or nursery? Do you go to baby groups? Have you got mum friends?

[PickleBot]

Have you spoken to your hv about it? Doyou think you might have a touch of pnd? No doubt it's hard and horrible. My DS had reflux so I know how terrible that can be, but something to think about?

[Cakescakescakes]

I felt like you when ds2 was born and autistic ds1 was 3.5. It almost broke me. Ds2 had severe reflux and just screamed virtually constantly. After about 6 months things settled a bit. Now he is 18 months and that period feels so far away. No way I'd have a third though!!!! It's no consolation when you're in the middle of it but it's just pure survival at your stage. Having two kids with high needs/medical needs is a different ballgame to having 2 regular kids which is hard enough in itself.

[cerievans1]

Sorry to be blunt but baby napping and only have a few mins to myself!!
Can I suggest you call your health visitor and ask her to make a referral to Homestart? They have been great in supporting me for 2-3 hours a week. You could take this time to get a proper shower and five minutes to yourself?

[Onthedowns]

Thank tiu! DDs behaviour towards her brother is fine she is very angry with me! Understandably ! It's exactly try how I feel me and DH have no relationship it's a nightmare !

[Onthedowns]

Yes please perhaps relationships?