At breaking point bcs of DH's depression. Anyone been there? Wise counsel needed.

[thecatsmothercompany]

My DH and I have been together for over 23 years. Until about 5 years ago, we were happy, with the usual ups and downs.
Then DH's mental health began slowly to decline. His work ethic turned into work addiction (we are talking 16-hour days), he lost all joy in life, and his personality has profoundly changed. We've stopped having any form of intimacy for four years now, and it's slowing eating away at me.
We did couple therapy for a year until about six months ago. The therapist suggested that we were wasting our time unless DH looked after himself first.

DH knows that the roots of his unhappiness lie in his earlier life - a strict, unloving family, and parents who were very unhappily married. Recently, he lost a sibling, which has precipitated a flow of emotion that he thought he could keep in check.

I recently gave him an ultimatum: to seek help or leave. He agreed in principle to see a doctor as well as a therapist, but he's now been too busy for the last month to follow up.

I love him, and I would love nothing more than see him get better, and connect with me again. But my gut tells me that he is not willing to change, and that unless I leave, this will be our life.

I feel enormously guilty and dread the prospect of telling our child, but I feel I have given so much, and I can't bear the thought of continuing to be so lonely, and so sad, for years ahead. I should add that, as all good workaholics, DH is amazing at putting up a front. At work or with friends, he is charming, lively and full of smiles. At home, he locks himself in the study, makes no eye contact, snaps at everyone, and spends countless sleepless nights on his tablet.

Has anyone filed for divorce on similar grounds? Or tried a trial separation? I keep hoping that the shock of having to move out would give him the jolt he needs, but who knows.

thanks in advance.

[annandale]

Assuming you do have to make the appointment, don't hold back. Say that you are seriously concerned about your partner and you need to see any doctor asap. TBH depression is so common that I don't think it really matters which doctor you see - just get in there.

[itmustbemyage]

Your post sounded so similar to my own life I could have written parts of it myself. My husband and I have been together for 23 years married for 18 years he has always been a very anxious person who thinks something terrible is around the corner I think he may also have Asperger's as he really lacks empathy, amongst other things, He was diagnosed with depression over ten years ago after the death of his dad, his dad was very controlling and they didn't have a good relationship and now of course that can never be fixed. He has been on anti depressants all this time (as well as some counselling initially) they are not a magic cure he is still very negative in his outlook and the tablets have completely destroyed his libido (draw your own conclusions) he is a workaholic - he uses work as an excuse to avoid emotional intimacy. So why am I still with him? I still love him and I did marry for in sickness and in health. We have a son with ASN's and neither of us could have managed him on our own. I cope by having friends and family I can talk to and do things with but I am also good at enjoying my own company and I have many interests and hobbies. My husband does not initiate conversations or outings but he will go out with me if I book something and tell him he is going.
Only you know whether such a life is enough for you I have chosen to stay you may not. It would destroy him if I left but he does nothing to make it easy for me to stay losing me would not snap him into action it would only send him spiralling deeper into depression.
Be prepared that even if your husband does go on medication it may not change things that much and you may never have the relationship that you crave.
I have a friend who's husband is suffering from extreme mental health problems and they are happy in their relationship, like me she cultivates outside friendships that provide her with the emotional support that her husband cannot provide.
I wish you both well.

[spad]

Sorry for short comment but quite simply, you need to love yourself first. Four years is too long to be neglected.

[Princessdebthe1st]

Something Itmustbemyage said reminded of something. When things were really difficult with my DH and I was feeling really bad and worried about the impact on our DD I was fortunate to have a couple of good friends who I could talk to honestly about it which was invaluable. It felt that I had no control to improve things and that made the situation feel even worse. So one of the things I did everyday was make a positive choice to stay. I had no control over DH's MH but I could choose to stay until I no longer chose that. It sounds a small thing but actually for my own MH it was really important.

[AndNowItsSeven]

Thecatsmother I do have experience , I am disabled and chronically ill. My dh is my carer. At times I feel so guilty that he is, when we married I was well. Only three weeks into our marriage I became disabled.
It is difficult for my dh but he is my husband he is commited to me and I am to him regardless of circumstances baring abuse.

[cestlavielife]

Questionnaire is diagnostic tool gp uses.. exp filled one with gp and met criteria but it was pretty obvious something was wrong he could not function...

What has the gp or psych actually diagnosed him with ?
Is it "workaholic" ?
"Depression" or what ? Is this the gp or psych diagnosis or is it yours ? If he does have classic depression why no meds been offered ?
Has he sought bereavement counselling?
How come he is able to work and be so joyful there ?

Why didn't you carry on with your ultimatum ?

You need to mean what you say...he gets help and seeks treatment or he or you leave .

How old is your child ?
What does dc say ? It can't be fun.
At the very least leave dh for a long weekend and take yourself and dc off to spend time with positive people and consider the options.
If he is able to get himself to work and presumably clean /feed/dress himself then he will be fine without you. There seems to be an element of choice going on....

Read Anne Sheffield "how you can survive when they are depressed. "

[OrlandaFuriosa]

And, btw, I have to fill in a questionnaire every time I go for therapy. It provides a check on how I am, frequency of negativity, anxiety, inability to work etc. bit off putting to start with, now i don't care.

[cestlavielife]

in the end you have to look after yourself, especially if you have DC.

your h's illness (if such an illness has been diagnosed) is his illness and you need to find ways to make sure your mental health is not suffering, so get breaks, set boundaries, seek help for you.

as an adult, he has to seek help for himself. only he can do that.
will you treat him as a child, take away his tablet overnight?
is it your job to do that?

set ultimatums you mean - i know of couples where they have been serious in saying: get help or get out (eg after a bereavement) and it has worked...

I got out out because it was clear MH was only part of the picture. there were behaviors which he could control.

what you decide long term - talk to a counselor yourself in real life, work thru the options.

[Hyperhelpmum]

My DH sounds eerily similar and especially the 'putting on a front ' at work and all smiles fit everyone else bit. This is the part I find hardest as he saves all his negativity and apathy for me. Why can't he just try and be nice to me? We have been married eight years and have three young children and I am sure they are being effected by his moods and my mood in response to his mood. I'm so very tired and just feel so alone. I love my DH and cannot imagine a life without him in it but this feels like a life with a substitute him and not a very nice one at that. How can I leave a man I love who is suffering but how can I carry on feeling so miserable and alone? Sorry to hijack thread!

[cestlavielife]

hyper you dont have to leave him completely but it is extremely important that you and DC take time out without him and spend time with positive people;

or that he goes off to relatives/friends and leaves you and DC to spend time with positive people.

if he is literally suicidal of course not and in that case he needs urgent professional medical help.

you dont want dc to grow up with memories only of walking on egg shells around dad.

and the reality is that there is a limit to how much you can actually help someone - if they want to lock themselves away then you dont need to as well.

does what you do ease his suffering?
does what the dc do ease his suffering? does kids playing make him worse? what is the answer then - let kids play elsewhere or tiptoe around him?

set your boundaries
be aware of depression fallout

[cestlavielife]

when exp was ill i did a lot to try and "help" including missing out on dc birthdays, eg leaving them with friend so I could take exp to walk and cry and listen to his woes etc...looking back it was pointless.

it didn't make a jot of difference to how he was and his recovery or ongoing or long term situation. i could have done the same at a different time on a different day and it would have had the same (limited) impact. i did not have the power to cure....

he needed professional help and to take his ADs.

but it did mean dc lost out.

[thecatsmothercompany]

Thank you. We talked yesterday and he has promised to book appointments etc today. I will know soon enough! Big thanks to everyone who has written. It is a really big help.

[Narp]

My father has suffered from two long serious bouts of depression. After attempts at talking therapies - counselling, then CBT, the thing that has made him well is antidepressants. Talking therapy may not be accessible /acceptable to some people . Although I certainly believe there are issues from his childhood that have contributed to his susceptibility to depression ( Both episodes were triggered by bereavements) it never helped for my mother of anyone else to tackle things along these lines. He simply lacks the desire and ability to reflect upon his past and the effect it has had on him.

I say this because a psychological approach may be counter-productive.

God knows how my mum has coped. I think she sought as much positivity for herself, and support from friends. It helped both of them to be open about his illness

[Narp]

my mother or anyone else