At breaking point bcs of DH's depression. Anyone been there? Wise counsel needed.

[thecatsmothercompany]

My DH and I have been together for over 23 years. Until about 5 years ago, we were happy, with the usual ups and downs.
Then DH's mental health began slowly to decline. His work ethic turned into work addiction (we are talking 16-hour days), he lost all joy in life, and his personality has profoundly changed. We've stopped having any form of intimacy for four years now, and it's slowing eating away at me.
We did couple therapy for a year until about six months ago. The therapist suggested that we were wasting our time unless DH looked after himself first.

DH knows that the roots of his unhappiness lie in his earlier life - a strict, unloving family, and parents who were very unhappily married. Recently, he lost a sibling, which has precipitated a flow of emotion that he thought he could keep in check.

I recently gave him an ultimatum: to seek help or leave. He agreed in principle to see a doctor as well as a therapist, but he's now been too busy for the last month to follow up.

I love him, and I would love nothing more than see him get better, and connect with me again. But my gut tells me that he is not willing to change, and that unless I leave, this will be our life.

I feel enormously guilty and dread the prospect of telling our child, but I feel I have given so much, and I can't bear the thought of continuing to be so lonely, and so sad, for years ahead. I should add that, as all good workaholics, DH is amazing at putting up a front. At work or with friends, he is charming, lively and full of smiles. At home, he locks himself in the study, makes no eye contact, snaps at everyone, and spends countless sleepless nights on his tablet.

Has anyone filed for divorce on similar grounds? Or tried a trial separation? I keep hoping that the shock of having to move out would give him the jolt he needs, but who knows.

thanks in advance.

[Narp]

my mother or anyone else

[Narp]

My father has suffered from two long serious bouts of depression. After attempts at talking therapies - counselling, then CBT, the thing that has made him well is antidepressants. Talking therapy may not be accessible /acceptable to some people . Although I certainly believe there are issues from his childhood that have contributed to his susceptibility to depression ( Both episodes were triggered by bereavements) it never helped for my mother of anyone else to tackle things along these lines. He simply lacks the desire and ability to reflect upon his past and the effect it has had on him.

I say this because a psychological approach may be counter-productive.

God knows how my mum has coped. I think she sought as much positivity for herself, and support from friends. It helped both of them to be open about his illness

[thecatsmothercompany]

Thank you. We talked yesterday and he has promised to book appointments etc today. I will know soon enough! Big thanks to everyone who has written. It is a really big help.

[cestlavielife]

when exp was ill i did a lot to try and "help" including missing out on dc birthdays, eg leaving them with friend so I could take exp to walk and cry and listen to his woes etc...looking back it was pointless.

it didn't make a jot of difference to how he was and his recovery or ongoing or long term situation. i could have done the same at a different time on a different day and it would have had the same (limited) impact. i did not have the power to cure....

he needed professional help and to take his ADs.

but it did mean dc lost out.

[cestlavielife]

hyper you dont have to leave him completely but it is extremely important that you and DC take time out without him and spend time with positive people;

or that he goes off to relatives/friends and leaves you and DC to spend time with positive people.

if he is literally suicidal of course not and in that case he needs urgent professional medical help.

you dont want dc to grow up with memories only of walking on egg shells around dad.

and the reality is that there is a limit to how much you can actually help someone - if they want to lock themselves away then you dont need to as well.

does what you do ease his suffering?
does what the dc do ease his suffering? does kids playing make him worse? what is the answer then - let kids play elsewhere or tiptoe around him?

set your boundaries
be aware of depression fallout

[Hyperhelpmum]

My DH sounds eerily similar and especially the 'putting on a front ' at work and all smiles fit everyone else bit. This is the part I find hardest as he saves all his negativity and apathy for me. Why can't he just try and be nice to me? We have been married eight years and have three young children and I am sure they are being effected by his moods and my mood in response to his mood. I'm so very tired and just feel so alone. I love my DH and cannot imagine a life without him in it but this feels like a life with a substitute him and not a very nice one at that. How can I leave a man I love who is suffering but how can I carry on feeling so miserable and alone? Sorry to hijack thread!

[cestlavielife]

in the end you have to look after yourself, especially if you have DC.

your h's illness (if such an illness has been diagnosed) is his illness and you need to find ways to make sure your mental health is not suffering, so get breaks, set boundaries, seek help for you.

as an adult, he has to seek help for himself. only he can do that.
will you treat him as a child, take away his tablet overnight?
is it your job to do that?

set ultimatums you mean - i know of couples where they have been serious in saying: get help or get out (eg after a bereavement) and it has worked...

I got out out because it was clear MH was only part of the picture. there were behaviors which he could control.

what you decide long term - talk to a counselor yourself in real life, work thru the options.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

And, btw, I have to fill in a questionnaire every time I go for therapy. It provides a check on how I am, frequency of negativity, anxiety, inability to work etc. bit off putting to start with, now i don't care.

[cestlavielife]

Questionnaire is diagnostic tool gp uses.. exp filled one with gp and met criteria but it was pretty obvious something was wrong he could not function...

What has the gp or psych actually diagnosed him with ?
Is it "workaholic" ?
"Depression" or what ? Is this the gp or psych diagnosis or is it yours ? If he does have classic depression why no meds been offered ?
Has he sought bereavement counselling?
How come he is able to work and be so joyful there ?

Why didn't you carry on with your ultimatum ?

You need to mean what you say...he gets help and seeks treatment or he or you leave .

How old is your child ?
What does dc say ? It can't be fun.
At the very least leave dh for a long weekend and take yourself and dc off to spend time with positive people and consider the options.
If he is able to get himself to work and presumably clean /feed/dress himself then he will be fine without you. There seems to be an element of choice going on....

Read Anne Sheffield "how you can survive when they are depressed. "

[AndNowItsSeven]

Thecatsmother I do have experience , I am disabled and chronically ill. My dh is my carer. At times I feel so guilty that he is, when we married I was well. Only three weeks into our marriage I became disabled.
It is difficult for my dh but he is my husband he is commited to me and I am to him regardless of circumstances baring abuse.

[Princessdebthe1st]

Something Itmustbemyage said reminded of something. When things were really difficult with my DH and I was feeling really bad and worried about the impact on our DD I was fortunate to have a couple of good friends who I could talk to honestly about it which was invaluable. It felt that I had no control to improve things and that made the situation feel even worse. So one of the things I did everyday was make a positive choice to stay. I had no control over DH's MH but I could choose to stay until I no longer chose that. It sounds a small thing but actually for my own MH it was really important.

[spad]

Sorry for short comment but quite simply, you need to love yourself first. Four years is too long to be neglected.

[itmustbemyage]

Your post sounded so similar to my own life I could have written parts of it myself. My husband and I have been together for 23 years married for 18 years he has always been a very anxious person who thinks something terrible is around the corner I think he may also have Asperger's as he really lacks empathy, amongst other things, He was diagnosed with depression over ten years ago after the death of his dad, his dad was very controlling and they didn't have a good relationship and now of course that can never be fixed. He has been on anti depressants all this time (as well as some counselling initially) they are not a magic cure he is still very negative in his outlook and the tablets have completely destroyed his libido (draw your own conclusions) he is a workaholic - he uses work as an excuse to avoid emotional intimacy. So why am I still with him? I still love him and I did marry for in sickness and in health. We have a son with ASN's and neither of us could have managed him on our own. I cope by having friends and family I can talk to and do things with but I am also good at enjoying my own company and I have many interests and hobbies. My husband does not initiate conversations or outings but he will go out with me if I book something and tell him he is going.
Only you know whether such a life is enough for you I have chosen to stay you may not. It would destroy him if I left but he does nothing to make it easy for me to stay losing me would not snap him into action it would only send him spiralling deeper into depression.
Be prepared that even if your husband does go on medication it may not change things that much and you may never have the relationship that you crave.
I have a friend who's husband is suffering from extreme mental health problems and they are happy in their relationship, like me she cultivates outside friendships that provide her with the emotional support that her husband cannot provide.
I wish you both well.

[annandale]

Assuming you do have to make the appointment, don't hold back. Say that you are seriously concerned about your partner and you need to see any doctor asap. TBH depression is so common that I don't think it really matters which doctor you see - just get in there.

[Princessdebthe1st]

Dear OP,
You have my sympathy and empathy. I was in a very similar position as you. My DH had a MH problem (not depression although that was also a factor) which had been a problem for a number of years but a couple of years ago it got much more serious to the point that it was not only damaging to him and our relationship but most importantly was damaging to our DD. When she started to alter her behaviour to manage her Dad's MH problems I reached the point of no return. I had tried EVERYTHING to help him. I had encouraged him to go to the GP, I had challenged his behaviour, ignored it, changed my behaviour, walked on eggshells and nothing worked. He wouldn't admit that he had a significant MH problem and so wouldn't seek help. While suffering from a MH problem can squew perspective most patients do have insight and can make the choice to seek help. For me it was the Alanon mantra that clarified it for me. I didn't cause his MH problem, I couldn't cure it and I couldn't control it. The only person who had any control over it was my DH who could choose to seek help.
When we reached crisis point I told him that I could no longer accept myself or our DD living in the way that we were. I told him that his failure to seek and properly engage with the help on offer was no longer acceptable in the context of our family life and I asked him to leave. Now, we were lucky. This led him to seek help (whether that was because he had a sudden epiphany or just to prevent the consequence of losing his family, I don't know or care) and we went to the GP the next day, he was put on medication and referred for therapy which he engaged with wholeheartedly and made tremendous progress. What is really important though is that I didn't tell him that with the expectation that he would follow through in the way he did. I told him with the absolute expectation that he would leave.
You may or may not have got to that point with your DH yet but be absolutely clear that the only person who is responsible for your DH's mental health and for seeking help is your DH. Good luck xx

[annandale]

Oh I would also agree with Orlanda that if you can get his outline assent to the plan above, you will probably have to make the appointment and take him. Depression really is a deadly illness.

[annandale]

I think tell him what all this is making you feel and let him know that you are planning to leave unless he is visibly carrying out a treatment plan from his GP or a psychiatrist within four weeks from now. Also say that the past five years have been so difficult that you are not sure that you won't have to leave anyway, but there is no chance at all of saving the relationship unless he takes action now.

You could also say that it is your impression that he thinks unlimited work and the internet help, and that medical professionals will not help. You can tell him that my experience is that it is the depression telling him that. His depression wants him dead, or sunk in such black grief and anger that he might as well be dead; you want him living, expressing his anger and pain in more effective ways, and you are certain that a better life is achievable.

Re 'for better and for worse' - assuming you did have a church wedding, he might also remember that he vowed either to cherish you (old school) or to give all that he is to you (newer version). Right now, under the concrete bunker that is depression, he is not doing either of those things but is cutting himself off.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

Btw, I had to make the appointment ànd take him. He just couldn't face all the emotional baggage of doing it himself. And it's only recently he has been able to go without me. You may need to force the issue for his sake. If he's really depressed, he may be fatalistic about separation " oh well, I can't do anything about it".

[thecatsmothercompany]

Really useful to hear your perspectives, especially from those who have experienced depression themselves. It is giving me the courage to demand at least one thing very firmly, which is that DH seek help and follow through with it. I do take time for myself, and it helps, but it also reminds me of all that we have lost. There has not been any together time in years. Thanks for the support.

[NameChange30]

I've had depression and each time I sought help. I saw my GP and got counselling. I wanted to get better for my own sake but also for the sake of my husband and our relationship.

It's not his fault that he has depression, but it is absolutely his fault that he's been taking it out on you and refusing to engage with treatment.

You gave him an ultimatum and I think you need to follow through. Either he goes to the GP before the end of the week, or he moves out for a trial separation.

If he realises you mean it, he might just do something about it. Or he might not. But I don't think you should have to put up with it for ever.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

It's shit. We are going through it and it tips me into depression too. We reached a trigger point where I took him to the doctor, went with him, and mostly still do. I don't necessarily say anything, unless invited to or I think he has forgotten something important the doctor ought to know.

We've had to try something like three diff sorts of meds, at different strengths, and therapy, nhs and private. I'm now having to give up work to be with him.

Every sympathy. He may not be happy in his relationship, but equally it may be depression. Alastair Campbell acknowledges he just went to sleep for three months. It's worth reading his account if it. It must have been awful for Fiona Millar.

Can you get some you time? I try to take time away, just for me. Go to a gallery, shopping, just for me. Nothing to with family, him, housework. Keeps me going.

[iwouldgoouttonight]

Gosh OP I really sympathise. My DP is suffering with depression and has been for a couple of years although has only sought help in the last few months. I have recently started to have thoughts about leaving but I know he's working on getting help, he's on medication and seeing a counsellor. I don't know how I'd be coping if he refused to seek help.

I'm trying hard to keep some for myself, as well as running the house and looking after the kids virtually single handedly. I've been running and making time to see friends, and it helps to talk to them. But even with all that, I still find it emotionally exhausting and relentless. Big hugs for you, I know how you feel.

[Lostandfoundat21]

I think on these threads there are ( from men and women I may add) too many partners over analysing their other halfs mental health. Often depression is reactive of a situation. Sorry to be blunt but he's probably just not happy in his relationship as is the case on many of these threads you probably both need a good talk about where you are going forward.

[pointythings]

I can see both sides. My DH has been depressed, in a sense still is. He also abuses alcohol. However, he has sought help for the depression, had serious counselling to deal with bereavement issues and is much better now - as a person and as a parent to our DDs. Yes, I would like him to address his alcohol use. Yes, I would like him to do more to address his crap eating habits and get some exercise. But he has done so much already. So I'm staying.

On the other hand, I am exhausted from pushing him to seek help, from supporting him, from running our lives more or less single-handed so I would absolutely understand why a partner couldn't cope with that. If my DH had avoided counselling and treatment, we would now be on the road to divorce. Your DH has to take some responsibility for his mental health. In sickness and in health only goes so far when one party won't put in the work to improve their own health.

[Lovemusic33]

Sorry I don't agree with what some people are saying. Yes she married him 'in sickness and in health' but there's only so much someone can take, if he's not willing to help himself then why should she stick by him?

I left my dh just over a year ago, he suffered with depression on and off for 10 years, I tried my best to stick by him but it got to the point where I had to put myself and my dc first, I gave him a month to sort himself out ( get help and to spend more time with the dc's being a father to them ), things didn't change and I realised I didn't want to spend my life waiting for things to change, I felt so low, my dc's were suffering and we had been sleeping in separate beds for years. I asked him to leave the family home and I began my new life. It wasn't easy but I made the right choice.

If your dh is unwilling to get help then maybe it's time to walk away.