Moving 2.5 hours away...Painful situation/Emotional manipulation... advice on contact for DD's Dad.

[NancyPiecrust]

Hi there, questions for anyone who is a co-parent or single parent but it's also to do with complicated relationship with my ex and co-parent & I thought it would be more relevant on this board because it's mostly to do with the relationship between us ! I have been having a pretty painful time with him & I am thinking/planning to move away so I would like to gauge what other people have done/what is the norm for the situation where the Resident Parent moves away from the NRP.

Me and DD (nearly 2 year old) 's Dad split up 9 months ago and I wanted to move back to be nearer my parents in the countryside with DD to be near my family (but haven't yet) - exDP also knew that I never saw myself as bringing up my daughter in the city forever, even before we had a baby I told him this and we were talking about possibly moving before we split up anyway.
I have really tried to make it work staying here in London so she wouldn't have to be uprooted too much and so she could still see her Dad and his Mum regularly. Also I hadn't been able to find any private rent houses that would take Housing Benefit down there...But I have now !
I think about moving to the countryside with DD on an almost daily basis for these reasons: the fumes here, the noise, the dodgy area I live in, my noisy neighbours stomping around upstairs, lack of privacy, the sheer amount of people and competition for jobs, being bombarded with advertising & rude/apathetic people all the time, the lack of nature and fresh air, the over-closeness with my ex, me missing my family and 'home', and the dire offering of good nurseries/schools/secondary school around here is just really depressing at times !

I see my ex almost every day so that he can see DD and she can see him, and what I am realising is that I am making it really easy for everything to 'stay the same' for everyone else so as not to cause upset but really when you split up with someone there does have to be a change and some space from each other ! it's inevitable. I feel pretty lonely most of the time and feel like 'what is the point of me being here? / Is this really where I want to spend my life?' I've been in my new flat 6 months and not even hung stuff on the walls/unpacked properly as I am so reluctant to properly put down roots here because it just doesn't feel right.

Over the last 9 months we have been separated, I have not been able to move on from DD's Dad in my head & heart and have been miserable because of living so close to him & seeing him all the time. I have been seeing friends and doing stuff for me eg. going to the gym and socialising a bit, looking for p/t work, dating a little bit (also pretty dire) but it still hurts so much on an almost daily basis & still don't see myself living here with my daughter long term & feeling at peace and content. Now he is jumping into a relationship (and going on holiday with!) a woman he has known for 1 month....and he has consciously or subconsciously found ways of rubbing it in my face a few times already which has been really upsetting for me.

In order for me to move on with my life, I need to get over him and heal which is not happening. Because he lives just round the corner from me, he has ended up seeing DD (and usually me too) pretty much every day unless he has something else going on, either at my house, his house or at his Mum's house as his Mum looks after her 1.5 days a week. So he is getting all the benefits of being with his child's mother (except no sex from me!) without actually having to be in a relationship with me. And I am alone almost every night & feeling like I've been hung out to dry. He is 15 years older than me and I know this sounds harsh because I love my DD more than anything but I only decided to have a baby with him because he said he was madly in love with me and wanted to marry me and have a future with me...After I got pregnant he just never properly proposed....and things got worse and worse...he did everything possible (except cheat on me) to push me away and destroy our bond. He treated me very badly at times and was emotionally & eventually physically abusive towards the end and I just feel so traumatised by the relationship and so disappointed that this is so not how I thought my life would be when 2 years ago I was ecstatically pregnant with DD ! and totally in love with him.
Now my 27 year old body & health is changed forever (facing possible surgery in future for prolapse from traumatic delivery and huge baby!) and the circle of men who will want something serious with me seems pretty tiny, my career options have changed a lot, I just feel lonely a lot of the time...And exDP's life has hardly changed except he has the addition of a lovely DD he can see whenever he wants and doesn't really have to cope with the hard bits of being a parent eg. daily tantrums and night wakings...he just gets the fun bits apart from 1 night a week he has her. I know this sounds bitter but this just shows how much I have not been able to have the space and headspace to move on, accept and be at peace with the situation.

For me the fact he is so close has caused very mixed feelings in me because on the one hand I love seeing my DD so happy spending time with her Dad...and I don't want to rock the boat... But at the same time we are still very close & I think he is still emotionally manipulating me a bit. Seeing him with her all the time hurts so much to see 'this is what you could have, but can't have' in my face all the time, if that makes sense. Because he is suddenly being so 'lovely' (except when things don't go his way) it's been a bit of a headfuck really as he suddenly started acting as I always wanted him to act when we were together eg. stopping smoking weed / making me and DD a priority instead of partying and socialising and having a much more balanced and responsible life and schedule, all whilst saying how I just really pushed his buttons and we weren't right for each other. He seems to be trying really hard to be 'a good Dad and ex partner' but at any disagreement he will drop in a little dig about how he is paying for this and that and that I am not working which he also did when we were together whenever I would complain at how he was treating me but I am looking after our daughter pretty much full time & looking for p/t work/doing housework the majority of the rest of the time! or he'll throw in a comment about how hard I was to be in a relationship with and how controlling I am (but he hopes I will be happy and find someone) or about how he is worried about MY mental state (he is almost definitely bipolar but won't go to the doctor about it). When I mention I am still thinking of moving to the countryside as I really don't feel happy here, he says stuff like "Do what you need to do but me and my Mum won't be able to offer you the same level of support as we do now..." (he means money). These subtle digs just make me not trust my own judgement and I start to believe them and feel like no one will love me & I am a shitty person & girlfriend / makes me feel I couldn't cope on my own and maybe I am going a bit nuts ! Even though I know I wasn't like this before I met him ! I also know that if for some reason he can't come and see DD & I know I'm not going to see him for a day or two then I have the best day and I feel so much better and happier within myself somehow ! I don't feel like I can't cope then, I feel much happier & enjoy my time with DD more !

Anyway sorry this has been a bit of a long post ! I am a bit torn but I've not felt that it's right for me to live here for a while, even before we split up, and I feel that moving back home to be near my family & in a familiar and safe setting would provide a better quality of life for my daughter & me eg. fresh air, safer than the area we're in now, really good schools, a happier Mum probably ! a sense of community and connection to nature. She would definitely still have regular quality time with her Dad, I would be sure to make that happen and so would he, it just wouldn't be every day as it is now.
So I am wondering what is the best arrangement?. At the moment he is paying a bit extra £ towards our rent that Housing Benefit doesn't cover so we can be close to him as his area of London is expensive, and I've worked out that if he was to drive to see my DD every weekend then he would save about £150/month.
I thought about doing alternate weekends and me doing the drive with her every other weekend but DD hates the car and more often than not the journey is incredibly stressful for me and her (I'm talking tantrums in the back of the car and screaming until she makes herself sick whilst I'm driving 70mph on the motorway! )
The thought of 2 x that journey in one weekend every other weekend makes me break out in a cold sweat! And not fair on her either I don't think. It's a 2.5-3 hour drive depending on traffic so that'd be 6 hours of her weekend in the car... But I was thinking I could go up to London with her once a month, and he could come down for the weekend 3 weekends a month, until she is a bit older maybe? I was thinking when he comes here he can stay at my house with her & most of the weekend I could make myself scarce by either working at the weekends, go to the gym, see friends, go and stay at my Mum's or my brother's or Dad's house ? At least then I'd only see him 2 days of the week rather than 6 or 7 ?

Opinions/thoughts/ideas greatly appreciated thank you !

[NancyPiecrust]

Rosie - sorry I didn't really seem that necessary to put in first post (first post was too long anyway eeek!) because as far as they have told me they have both stopped smoking weed, never smoke weed around DD. I have no way of telling if they personally smoke away from her but I am 99.9% sure they would never smoke around her as I have told them they mustn't or I can't let them look after her.
And the other woman thing has been a catalyst to what I have been feeling every day for 9 months since we split up really. He's told me it's not serious with this woman nor will he be trying to involved her with DD anytime soon. I always told myself that I would try and stay here and make a life here for myself and DD until I could absolutely no longer bare to be around exDP and in close proximity to him and all his friends and fam on a daily basis... I have hardly found it bare able... And 4 weeks ago when he turned up to pick up DD with very visible hickeys all over his neck and not wearing a scarf or coat even though it was freezing ... That just showed me how little I was able to deal with that. I was barely able to deal with being around him let alone him plus having his new woman to deal with / made known as well. I was putting off the decision because no house had become available in my home county that was suitable but I've been looking every week.. As well as trying to make a life here too & try and make it work but it just never feels right. Just because I gave birth to her here I don't see why I should have to stay in an area where I am have no job - about 2 friends and no family ... Just because this is where I managed to be offered a house when we split up. I've been thinking/wanting to move home ever since we split up but it is only now that a lovely house has come up (way more affordable for me in future when I am working too). The other woman he is going on holiday really doesn't have anything to do with it except to force me to face my true feelings over how much he has been headfucking me / how little I have managed to heal. This woman probably won't even be around long term it's not a big deal it's more MY feelings that I was made aware and my truth... I was trying to ignore it because I like to gradually effect changes that's just the sort of person I am i like to keep the status quo.. Hence why it took me over a year to leave him even knowing he wasn't right for me / wasn't a good boyfriend/ wasn't going to commit properly and marry me. I also agree with a previous poster in that yeah the breakup of our relationship has been the making of him as a Dad as it has made him have to step up and realise I'm not gonna pick up his slack. Although I still am a bit .. And his mum is. He's having his cake and eating it & I am miserable living here. Hence my DD has a miserable & stressed Mum looking after her most of the time. Every time we go down to the countryside to visit my family me & DD have the best time & DD is noticeably calmed and more relaxed, less tantrums and clingy-ness. Just peaceful & happy as am I ! It's bliss. Then we come back to London and she's happy to see her Dad but she never really asks for him the whole time we are away or mentions him ! At almost 2 she will adapt easily & she has a strong bond with him now so as long as we keep up regular quality contact then that won't be broken. I would offer him to see her every weekend for now until she's at school & that is more than courts will offer him. And obviously involve him in every birthday & event that he wants to be involved in. I'm not trying to punish him - if I was I would have most def moved as soon as we split up in a very dramatic fashion ! Especially as he was violent to me. Maybe I should have done and it would have been more clear cut.

[Atenco]

I think you should go because you are not happy in London and you are not moving too far away really.

But if you decide to stay in London, just let him take his dd when it is his time to see her and don't be hanging around with him.

[WannaBe]

As I said previously OP, you need to separate your feelings from your dd's.

You not wanting to be near him is understandable. You need to limit that by letting him have DD on his own. If that means an overnight during the week then that's what needs to happen. The younger she gets used to going with him overnight, the easier it will be for both of you, and it will make for a better routine.

You need to think beyond "letting him be involved in every birthday etc," to having to relinquish her every other birthday and Christmas because if he goes to court that is what will be stipulated. In the scheme of things that's not necessarily such a big deal. Christmas is just a day after all, and you can have that any other day during the period, but with a five hour round trip thrown in for good measure iit makes for a stressful time.

And while a five hour round trip every other weekend might not seem too big a deal while she's only two, you do need to think of the future as well. Once she starts school for instance having to drive her straight from school to her dad's, so not getting there until 7/8 in the evening then potentially having to drive back or pay to stay somewhere overnight, then having to do the same in reverse on Sunday evening is going to be hard for both of you. Even if you only do half of the travelling it's still going to mean five hours of travelling every other weekend. And what if you find a new partner and decide to have more children, they will need to become a part of this routine. You won't be able to change your dD's access just because you've got another baby to think of. And having to turn down things like party invites because they fall on your ex's contact time, which could possibly still happen if you lived close by but equally it might be possible for your ex to still accommodate the party invites etc.

And lastly, try not to fall into the trap of thinking that your dd is so much better behaved when she's with you/not with your ex/in the country etc. That may be the case, but it's a slippery slope towards you justifying your DD not having a relationship with her dad. I do realise that you have never suggested that your DD shouldn't have a relationship with her dad fwiw and have gone out of your way to accommodate this thus far, but it is very easy to project our own thoughts and feelings on to the relationships our children have with their other parent, both positive and negative. The reality is that contact schedules can be disruptive to behaviour and security. But as time goes on your DD will fall into a patern of contact with her dad, and by extension his family if that's what he chooses.

Please don't think that I am judging your wish to move closer to your support network, I'm not. But when we make these decisions there is a bigger picture which needs to be considered. Firstly in the interests of the child but also in your own interests. You can certainly limit your ex's involvement in your lives as a starting point, with immediate effect.

And fwiw I do empathise with your position. When me and my eXH split I chose to stay here too for the sake of my DS, although he was ten when we split up, even though I had no support network here. Now we're four years on and DS is 13.5 and I still have no support network, am struggling to find work, and my DS is in fact choosing to spend less time at his dad's than if we'd had a eOW schedule (we have a 50/50 arrangement but DS is currently spending the majority of his time here). But he's in year8 now and moving would be out of the question. Plus I'd not be any more likely to find work where my family live. And perhaps most importantly, even though my DS spends most of his time here, he still has the option of popping to his dad's or even just going out with him for a drink or to something they do together. If I'd moved away with him those options wouldn't be open to him either.

You have to weigh up the benefits as well as the downsides, and there are pro's and cons whichever route you choose.