Straw poll - is he being a sick? Confused.

[theansweris42]

Will keep is as short as poss.
I posted here and got help to leave very financially and EA exP about 4 yrs ago.
I have 2 small Ds.
I returned from another country to get clear, exP followed and now sees DC regularly tho we live different cities.

I formed new relationship with old flame. All lovely, caring man, reader I married him 3 months ago.
He drinks too much. Not benders but too much wine a couple or 3 times a week.

Says he wants change. I said before we married I didn't want this as role model, DH modified behaviour. Says he does struggle but will adapt. I was always clear about this, said I'd be his GF if he didn't want to change lifestyle.

Anyway, we row about his drinking reasonably frequently. He can be dismissive and inconsiderate when drinking. I am (bcos of previous EA) trying to be reasonable, keep talking, accept no-one is perfect. Or, in fact, is this just the eggshells again?

Anyway cumulative arguing and another last week. DH acts normal all week, I struggle to do so cos fed up with it all so am quiet/grumpy.

My question relates to last night - I broached it, bcos he never does, we tried to talk.

He said I am an arsehole and do martyrdom. Seemed at pains to point out that I am an arsehole when sober, even if he can be when drunk.

He said I had not responded to his "acting normal" through the week. I was angry/sad, and terribly sleep deprived. Last night asked "were you like this with ex-partner?" and said that some of the fault with the abusive relationship must be mine.

I would like to just get objective opinions, as these latest things feel like dealbreakers to me. I can see the possibilities that terrible experience (20 Yrs) with ex-partner have clouded my judgement and I don't really know what to think.

We have had a normal day with DC & when they went to sleep I broached it calmly, he refused to discuss.

It's not okay what he said and then to refuse to discuss is it? Is it?

Since we married it's all been worse. I feel like a cliché and a massive idiot.

The DC adore him and he them.

[Iamdobby63]

Don't you just love it when you share your previous life experiences only for them to use them against you later!

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and I'm sorry his attitude wasn't better. Better to blame you than to address the real issue.

If he won't accept that his drinking is having a clear detrimental effect on your marriage then you have no choice but to part.

[theansweris42]

Thanks springy. Feel appalling. But it wasn't going to stop. And turns out he really does have low opinion of me!
Working from home. Not slept. Thinking of taking a sick day or two which I never do luckily. Sigh.

[springydaffs]

You are fab op

[theansweris42]

Thanks to everyone. We talked and he stuck by his view that my response to the cycle of drinking and being horrible is the main issue....and that going off how I have been, the previous abuse must've been partly my fault. I said we need to split up. And that's the plan. Feel awful of course but it'll work out. Massive anxiety but tomorrow I'll start making some plans and that'll help. I am again, grateful to wise MNers who take the time to post.

[ImperialBlether]

I wouldn't waste any more time on him, OP. He's shown you what he's like and it's not nice at all.

[northernshepherdess]

Good luck, much love

[theansweris42]

I'd be skint til end of lease (Aug) then move somehwere smaller.

[theansweris42]

Joint rental. I would ask him to go and he'd resist, but then go, I should think.
Thank you all for the sense and honesty.

[ImperialBlether]

Oh I think life is too short to live with someone who calls you names and blames you for past abusive relationships. I just couldn't do it. I don't care how nice he is to the children (probably knows that would be it otherwise), I'd end it.

Whose house do you live in?

[theansweris42]

Shepherdess thank you for your generous post. I am sorry you're going through this.

All of it resonates. This morning he slept in, got up and sat about with Internet, while 2 lovely DS playing together and with me (when I'm in the room, also pottering doing chores etc) and when asked what he planned for today "hanging out with my family"!!!! I was giving DSs lunch and he said "Am I sorting my own lunch out then?" not particularly expectantly but - the face of it!
We'll just have another row when DCs in bed.

[northernshepherdess]

I was an alcoholic. Gave up entirely when I met my current partner... who's turned out to be a marajuana addict. It's been a long and often miserable 10 years.
3 drinks a week may not be a problem for some people... not because they are less bothered but because the drinker/addict is more loyal to the family than the drink.
He knows he treats you shit when he drinks, but he still drinks and expects you to bear the weight. By weight, I mean the anxiety and forgiveness, and the extra responsibility. Who's going to drive if you have an emergency etc, who's going to get up to the children if they wake and he's sleeping it off...
The 3 times is not bad, it's the attachment, importance and dedication to it that makes it bad.
I asked for a 12 week abstinence from weed from my partner. I thought he'd managed 6 weeks but actually he never gave up at all... just hid it more.
When I found out, he didn't apologise, he left and went on a 5 day binge starting at 8am by 8.30 he was at our friends house barely able to stand up and coukdnt even open his eyes.
I felt lost, insecure and hurt, I couldn't trust him at all, he didn't care about me, our kids, my kids, his kid. He didn't care that i was distraught or that I had all the responsibility of the family while he teen'd it.
Instead he locked the front door of my friends house while she was in bed and he was with her hubby so i couldnt talk to him except through the fence, then told me i was causing a scene and he wasnt listening to it. He then went inside and left me stood there with our baby. He didnt care about the money he spent on smoking now being in the dealers pocket with nothing to show for it, and the cost of taxis.
To him, I was interupting his enjoyment but all we had to show for it was a crap ton of emotional damage.
He wants it more than he wants us, or at least expects us to bear the burden and that's how you know if it's a problem or just a leisurely routine.

[springydaffs]

Find a course near you

(if you're in the UK)

[theansweris42]

Will heed your advice and look for a group. Thank you

[springydaffs]

Can you get to a FP group? Something about RL does the job somehow.

(ps I've done the FP many times for this reason..)

[theansweris42]

No DC with him and he'd like one but have stated no chance while these issues go on. In my mind I don't plan a child with him.

[theansweris42]

Done Freedom online. I know it's a problem, I've let myself listen to the promises. And it's this weekend that the behavior seems to have tipped over.

[springydaffs]

Perhaps read the Al anon blurb then. I know what you mean about extreme stories

But you have a right to be there. Just because your story isn't extreme, doesn't mean there isn't a problem.

Freedom Programme?

[abbsismyhero]

i hope you don't have kids with him?

im sorry you're going through this yes he is being a massive dick sorry

[theansweris42]

I will speak with Al anon. I have attended one meeting before, but the stories were so extreme I didn't feel comfy. Also impossible to go really as working full time in stressful job and juggling that so I get as much time with DC as poss.

[springydaffs]

Have a look at this and see if it rings any bells.

Also here for you.

It sounds like he's an alcoholic. People like to say 'drinking problem' but tbf it's all the same thing ie a dependence on alcohol that supersedes all other considerations, relationships or responsibilities. It comes first. Hence his refusal to talk about it - he will protect his dearly beloved booze at all costs. It is the world to him (comes before you and the kids hands down).

Yes he's a dick and yes he's an addict.

I appreciate you may not be in the UK but AA is international, as is Al-anon. HOwever, the Freedom Programme is exclusively UK-based, I think; though you can do the course online. You need to do some work around attracting abusive men (an addict is by default abusive). It is no surprise you've gone straight into another abusive relationship - we need to do some work to uproot deeply held beliefs etc or it'll happen again.

Sorry you're going through this.

[theansweris42]

Thanks had thought about Al anon, will look into it.
I have had counselling and done freedom and even though this realising would've been better before wedding, at least I'm questioning....

[Cabrinha]

Twenty years with an abusive man is going to fuck up your boundaries.
Did you ever have therapy about that, or do the Freedom Programme?

I can't say whether your husband is an abusive drunk, but I can say that having had one long abusive marriage your chances of another one are higher - unless you intervene to be sure you have a good chance of spotting arseholes.

I'm also always about the quality of Old Flame relationships. Purely anecdotal, but I see friends turning to old flames because it's easy and / or there are unresolved feelings (mainly because they got dumped). I've done it too, no judgement! But usually an ex is an ex for a reason, so I'm always suspicious of any rekindling being a good relationship.

Just remember that "sorry" afterwards means FUCK ALL.

He can't drink without being rude to you, therefore he needs to stop drinking.

Be prepared that if he's an alcoholic, or just selfish, or you don't mean that much to him anyway - he's going to choose the alcohol.

Maybe talk to Al Anon?

[theansweris42]

Yes, it would. He did change to an extent some backsliding after wedding
But I know I have fault in this. It was the meanness of the comments about me and the saying the previous abuse was partly my fault that has taken it all to another level.

[Costacoffeeplease]

And yes, he's being a dick

[Costacoffeeplease]

It would probably have been better to have seen that he had changed already before committing to him - as you got married before that, you've effectively accepted it

You now have to decide if you're going to continue to accept it as he's probably not going to change now