Husband left me for younger woman after years of neglecting me and kids

[Sianne100]

So, my ex has finally left me for a woman 15 years younger than me - after months and months of me asking him to leave because his drinking / rages when I called him on it were out of control. We have two children, 12 months and 3. He was a great loving partner BC, he had a drinking problem but cut down for a few years BC. When I was pregnant with DS he started going out without me until 5/6/7am - he turned up to birthing classes smelling of booze - said it was the last bit of fun before he became a father. Then when our DS arrived, within 3 weeks he was back out there until the early hours, even though I was sick with mastitis and our baby was sick and not feeding. He was going out all the time, met friends' husbands going to work, when he was coming home at 7am. He got angry with me when I wouldn't go out or tried to stop him, and was going out 4/5 nights a week heavy drinking. He never got up at night with the baby (didn't hear him or not here) and in the mornings he was too tired/hungover. Whenever we had any family time, he seemed to resent it, his anger was always near the surface and went from apologetic to raging in minutes - like Jekylle and Hyde. He had a complete meltdown at one point suffering from anxiety / panic attacks thinking he might harm our DS. He missed work and regularly disappeared all night, until on our DS's second birthday (when i was pregnant with DD) he missed him opening his presents because he came in at 9am, drunk, swung our DS around and lost hold of him smashing his head against a cupboard. I asked him to leave then to sort himself out - he went for about 4 months but i found out he very quickly he'd started seeing someone else - he still kept letting us down - not turning up to see our DS when we had arranged that. When I found out and ended it, he agreed to go to rehab (on my money). All seemed well for a few months, I had my DD, but then a few weeks after I gave birth he was back drinking again. He approached a senior manager for sex when drunk and got fired for sexual harassment but then picked up a new better job within a few months, but the drinking continued, he disappeared for whole weekends, wouldn't help with the children, flew into rages when I called him on his behaviour. He has never got how all of this made me feel. He says he couldnt talk to me and that we led separate lives. The truth is I shut down and withdrew, I couldnt believe the apologies anymore or promises to get better because it never happened. It didnt help that I lost my sex drive after my DS and to be honest the way he was turned me off. I couldnt go from being raged at and sworn at to sleeping with him and there was never enough time between the rages/drinking to put some distance between it. Still though, I feel I was supportive and loving - I just stopped buying the lies. I tolerated it for so long because I wanted us to be a family. Now he tells me he has found 'pure love' and i oppressed him. Part of me thinks that I was too critical of him, but then I was looking after babies on my own with no support and having to step over a comatose body in the mornings... i think he caused the breakdown in what was a good relationship. Now he seems to have got responsible (he left 8 weeks ago) and sobered up for his new relationship (which supports his view that I was to blame) and wants the kids to meet his new girlfriend - I feel in despair - he is creating the family that I tolerated so much for and couldn't get. He cut back on the drinking for me for a few years so he might do the same for her. He says he is finally happy. How do I get over this?

[Out2pasture]

OLD THREAD from 2016

[BertramTheWalrus]

He is not creating the family you wanted so much. He is at the start of a new relationship and showing his best side. Rest assured that he will be back to his drinking and awful behaviour within a short space of time. Try not to feel like you have lost the chance to be a happy family - that chance never existed. He is an alcoholic, you can't have a healthy relationship with someone who has a dependency because you will always come second. Apart from his alcohol problem, he also sounds like a nasty piece of work. You should be relieved to be finally rid of him! I second the advice about alc anon. It will help you get closure and see the situation much clearer.

[Isetan]

For far too long you've been asking yourself the wrong question 'why is he doing this to me? Instead you should have been asking, why did I let him do this to me?

I get it, no one likes being dumped, especially for a younger model but he's done you a massive favour because the relationship you wanted and martyrded yourself for, wasn't going to happen. Relationship wise you made a bad investment and instead of cutting your losses, you kept doubling down.

Despite the act and his need to be the victim, it won't change who he is, a lesson like you, she'll learn the hard way.

Grieve, get angry and be sad but this is an opportunity and hopefully once the shock has warn off, you too will see it as one.

[bluejelly]

What a tosser. Well done for getting rid. You really won't regret that one.
Life is tough being a single parent when kids are young but as they get bigger you'll get more independence and more freedom. And you will know that you did the best thing for you and the children. Well done

[M0stlyBowlingHedgehog]

Oops, sorry OP, that was meant to go in the report to MNHQ, not on your thread!

Your most recent posts sound like you are doing brilliantly even if it's hard work. Onwards and upwards, and here's hoping your ex gets his come-uppance at some point.

[M0stlyBowlingHedgehog]

It's our friend the spell caster yet again!

[TheMightyMing]

Life starts here, it's going to be SO much better, believe it. Do not take him back under any circumstances!!!!

Best of luck x

[springydaffs]

Al-anon

Al-anon group near you

Codependency support group

[mumofthemonsters808]

Good God, you are well rid of bad rubbish. Leave him to his new found happiness, now is the time for you to find your own, without carrying this pathetic excuse for a man.

[MorrisZapp]

Please protect your children. Are there other agencies such as health visitor, social worker etc who are aware of what your small children have been through? You all need professional support.

[WizzardHat]

he came in at 9am, drunk, swung our DS around and lost hold of him smashing his head against a cupboard

Did you call the police at the time? It really sounds like your children need to be protected from him

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Congratulations on being rid of an irresponsible, selfish, drunken sot who smashes your child's head against cupboards and couldn't care less about your wellbeing. You must feel like you've been relieved of 12 stone of dead weight. This is cause for celebration. If I had a sack of shit in my driveway stinking up the place and obstructing me and creating a hazard, I'd throw a party if it upped and left by itself. And if it parked itself in someone else's driveway, they would have my sympathy.

[springydaffs]

I was supportive of all drinking

That, my dear, is where you went wrong.

Al-anon. Find a group. Go!

[YorkieDorkie]

I think my blood hit boiling point around the time your DC's head hit the cupboard. HE ENDANGERED YOUR CHILDREN. You are well rid! Let the daft woman have him. I feel sorry that she could possibly go through everything you've gone through.

[Sianne100]

And yes godessofsmallthings and attheedgeofsanity - you hit the nail on the head. My main fault in his mind is that I didn't tell him how amazing he was and give constant reassurance when he was neglecting us and getting drunk most nights. I wasn't heartless, I was supportive of all drinking/anxiety problems and got him help - but I didn't throw myself at him tending to his needs because I had babies that had to come first. Helenadove is this what some men do, show true colours when wife gets pregnant? That's what happened and he was kind of okay before (boozing but not insanely). His dad was an alcoholic and his mum kept the ship together with 6 kids... Different generation though...

[springydaffs]

aw great update!

Girl, you won't know yourself once the shock wears off. You've been a single parent all this time - but with one foot nailed to the floor.

You're freeeeee

[Choceeclair123]

Congratulations!

[Sianne100]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your amazing messages. This is much better than I got in therapy and my friends said pretty much the same but I thought maybe they were just backing me up. I know deep down that he will hit the rocks with new gf but still hurts that they want to have family i couldn't have even if it won't last. I stayed with him because i so desperately wanted him to change, he was sooo persuasive and I wanted a sibling for ds (I am 37 so probably selfishly thought this is my last chance). I go between wanted to crack open the champagne to thinking I am a single mother, my children don't have a proper family and we don't deserve this. But I guess you don't choose what life throws at you and make the best of it. Thank you thank you thank you for responding, I feel so much better. I'm taking the advice about a contact centre!!

[springydaffs]

If you can't celebrate for yourself then do celebrate for your children. In fact, leap with joy on behalf of your children. Having a father like him and the relationship you had is extremely damaging for kids growing up in it. They have no choice and it can be decimating (usually is).

[IrianofWay]

He won't be sober long.

[phoenix1973]

Breathe a sigh of relief. His needs are NO LONGER YOUR PROBLEM. She's got the shitty stick now - her problem.
But he needs to be a Dad to his kids in a decent capacity. Sounds like he has been absolutely rubbish so far.
Never mind listening to him talk about his "true love" and being "oppressed". What a KNOBBER.
Sounds like he never once considered any of your needs or feelings.
What must be discussed is finances and visitation to the children.
It all seems awful right now, and maybe you think you cannot come out of the other side.
But you CAN and you WILL. Do it for yourself and your kids. I reckon you are a great Mum and you will now be able to breathe and fully concentrate on raising your children.
No more treading on eggshells, or wasting headspace wondering where HE is or if he is coming home, what sort of mood he will be in. What a horrid situation you have all endured. I'm so sorry and know things will begin to brighten for you.

[Jan45]

Please, you were not too critical, in fact you were not critical enough, it sounds horrendous what he put you through. Just remember to never allow another human being to treat you so badly, learn that if anything. As for him, he's a lost cause, surprised he even knows what love means, he's an utter waste of space.

[HuskyLover1]

You are WELL rid of this joker.

He won't stay sober and FGS do NOT take him back, when she dumps him, which she most definitely will.

Do not allow access to your children....remember the smashed head on the cupboard doors.....that's why they don't get to stay at Dad's or meet the new GF.

Stand firm.

I cannot believe you had another child with this twat, or that you have any sadness at him leaving. I'd be getting the bunting out and popping the champagne. Then sitting back to watch him fuck his life up all over again.