How do I convince DH I want to look nice and don't feel nice when un-groomed

[TigerPath]

He says my Babyliss Big Hair hot-brush will damage my hair. He likes it better natural but I feel horrible when it's frizzy and messy.

I like to shower daily but he says this is bad for my skin. He complains I smell of soap, washing powder and deodorant...but I like to feel and smell clean.

I also feel better wearing light make-up, with manicured nails, but he can't understand why!

We have a 9-month-old so personal time is limited and he feels I waste time showering/doing my hair. Yet it really affects my mood!

[curlywurly4]

Surely showering daily is normal. Why would you need to justify this?

[Wdigin2this]

The next thing he'll be saying is, 'why bother to dress, stay in your PJ's all day...after all, you're not actually going out any time soon, are you?'

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He to me also sounds controlling; his comments re your hot brush and grooming are all red flags. He thinks in his head that you being attractive will make other men look at you so he is trying to manage your appearance to the outside world. Its paranoia of his own making.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

Ellen, if he's complaining about OP doing what, for other people, is totally normal conduct, and if his complaint is that she should present herself as dirty and unkempt, that's not just expressing an opinion, is it?

[mrsmeerkat]

Unless you are constantly in your bedroom at your make up and not looking after the baby - which I doubt is the situation- he is being controlling

[EllenDegenerate]

The only complaint explicit in the OP is that she smells of soap. Perhaps he's not a fan of her smelling of soap.
Everything else is just extrapolated to paint him as a controlling dickhead.
He might be but id personally want more evidence before calling him one.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

It depends. Is he trying to control you? Is this an attempt on his part to make you less attractive to other men? Has he ever expressed concerns in this area?

Or does he find the smell of artificial scents unpleasant? Does he feel that you are unnecessarily concerned about your appearance? He is trying to reassure you that it is unnecessary?

Either way, it is your choice. But I have to say, I don't like perfumes and aftershaves. I like the smell of clean laundry, but I don't want a person to be overpowered by the harsh smell of detergents whether personal or laundry.

So much of attraction is dependent on smell and I like to be able to smell a person. I don't like a person to smell of aftershaves or soap. And I do like to be able to smell a person's sweat. Not old BO. But I do want a man to smell like a man!

I do my nails on a Sunday night before work on Monday. I use a cuticle cream, file my nails and apply 2 coats of clear nail polish. To me, that is a manicure and I can't imagine anyone even noticing I was doing it to have an opinion on it. It takes about 10 minutes. If that. How long are you spending on it and how often.

A lot of men prefer women to be natural. It's the cosmetic industry that tells us we need to be stripped of our natural scent and have our natural features hidden and manipulated.

I think that without knowing exactly what is happening, it's hard to say.

[diddl]

He might have a point about the Babyliss thing-although is he only saying it so that you will have your hair how he prefers it?

Do you have very dry/sensitive skin?

Do you have the shower very hot?

If not it's unlikely that a daily shower is harmful?

I might try to find a soap/deoderant that doesn't smell strong as a compromise.

If you smell of washing powder-doesn't he??

To say that a daily shower is a waste of time is just ridiculous imo.

What's his hygiene like??

[DoreenLethal]

The only complaint explicit in the OP is that she smells of soap. Perhaps he's not a fan of her smelling of soap.

Perhaps she should roll about in the mud before popping off for a costa coffee just in case she smells or looks vaguely attractive [to other humans]?

[BadDoGooder]

Doreen I hate the smell of strong soaps and artificial scents. So does DP.
We both prefer things more natural. It does not mean I want him to roll around in mud, or that I don't like him being attractive to other people.
It means we have personal preferences, not that we are controlling.

I'd need a lot more information before I made the huge leap of him being controlling.

[BadDoGooder]

And I don't bathe every day!
Don't have a shower and baths are a huge waste of water, so two out of three days I have a v quick strip wash at the sink.

[BadDoGooder]

I want to stress again that the OP needs to remember that regardless of his reasons it's her body, and she should do whatever makes her happy.
But I refuse to condemn him as controlling until I know more. He genuinely might prefer a more natural look, not all men like groomed women you know!
(and I have been in a controlling relationship, so I would be the first to tell her to LTB if I in any way thought it was, but we need to know more than just "he prefers me natural!)

[Goingtobeawesome]

Wind them him up and watch them go.

Your body = your choice, obviously.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Do what you want with your body. Do what you want with your meagre moments of personal time. Justify it to no one.

How do these comments even come about? How do you react?

[AugustaFinkNottle]

The only complaint explicit in the OP is that she smells of soap. Perhaps he's not a fan of her smelling of soap

No, it says he complains that she smells of soap, washing powder and deodorant. OK, you can get non-smelly soap and deodorant, but it's quite difficult to avoid washing powder. He specifically feels that she wastes time washing. In general, he is saying to her that he doesn't like basic cleanliness practices that she tells him make her feel better about herself. You don't tell someone that you don't like something about them unless you want them to change it. All of that adds up to a bit more than preferring natural smells.

[MarianneSolong]

It reminds me a bit of the laundry thread. Clearly for lots of women it's very important that their home and everything in it - and their own appearance - should be of a very high standard, and there's a sense of distress if these standards aren't kept to.

From my memory of when my daughter was small, I did value escaping to the bath and having 'me' time.

On the other hand, I think I did end up relaxing some standards in the first year or so. There didn't seem a lot of point being beautifully dressed when I was breastfeeding and my clothes would get covered with posset and puke. It seemed better to concentrate on making sure the baby was well, the bare essentials round the house were done - we had food to eat - and that I got some sleep.

I think sometimes women do make themselves quite unhappy and stressed, because the near-perfection you might have (just) been able to maintain before having a baby, is much much harder to reach when there's a small child on the scene.

[Standalittletaller]

Even if he has a point about the Babyliss dryer, it's up to op if she wants to use it or not. I would hate a partner to comment on how I was doing my hair (thank god for being single.)

Not enough to go on to determine how controlling he is being but alarm bells going off for me.

[EllenDegenerate]

Augusta all he's said is that he'd prefer her not to smell of soap, deodorant and washing powder.
Perhaps he has an aversion to them. I know that I do. Smelling clean does not equal the stench of three artificial fragrances emanating from a person.

Nowhere has he said he wants her to be unclean. Maybe he prefers her hair in its natural state because she has an abundance of beautiful curls which she styles in to submission. He is allowed an opinion without it being extrapolated that he is a controlling bastard.

I do wish that the soap would return and confirm his position one way or the other though as this is getting rather tedious.

I do feel that Goingtobeawesome may have hit the nail on the head. Wind them up indeed

[Evergreen17]

Buffff
Well your body your choice.
My OH doesnt like red lipstick on me. He is kind of a country man and likes me natural I think. Guess what, I told him "the lipstick is for me, not you"
I like wearing it sometimes. I dont wear make up everyday.
If we went for a special dinner I probably wouldnt wear it and he probably would wear my favourite shirt
To please each other in special occasions. But I wear what I want.
My OH doesnt like perfume either and prefers just clean soap smell. So I dont bathe myself in it but I still wear a light perfume.
Gosh better than being with someone that doesnt wash!!!

Do what you want and makes you feel good about yourself. I agree that doing the babyliss hot will damage your hair but you can cut so what.

[BadDoGooder]

I'm with Ellen all they way on this, including wishing the op would come back and clarify some things!

Augusta this but it's quite difficult to avoid washing powder isn't strictly true.
I mean obviously I wash my clothes, but I use an eco liquid that has hardly any scent at all, I really notice strong washing powder scent on other people.
I had to borrow some normal washing powder off MIL when we stayed there last, and it was horrible, actually made me feel sick.
I also buy unscented/low scented soap, and don't use deodorant unless I am hot/doing something physical.

It is perfectly possible to avoid scents if you don't like them.

[Herewegoagainfolks]

if you've been with him long enough to have a 9 month old he must know how you smell, how you do your hair, that you wear make up - surely?

Is this a new argument since your child was born?

You don't need to 'convince' him OP it's not his decision, he isn't entitled to a say.

[StillAwakeAndItIsLate]

FFS, there is huge middle ground between smelling of artificial perfumes/deodorants/detergents and rolling around in mud.

I don't have a bath/shower every day either. It dries my skin out and it's unnecessary. I don't roll around in mud either.

[itsonlysubterfuge]

Wasn't there already a thread about this a week or so ago?

[lorelei9here]

I find this a bit shocking
Controlling abusuve a hole.