Advice/Experiences re Estranged Family and wedding invitation

[CoyRoy]

Hello,
Have posted previously about going NC with my mother die to her overbearingness, controlling and negative behaviour, the ensuing fallout with my two brothers because of it, and in particular pompous emails from one brother to my husband about bringing me to order. Second brother, though not the author of the vile emails, said he concurred with first brother's stance. He told me I was pathetic to fall out with our mother over her behaviour, and that if/when he has DC he will welcome her advice! He then blocked me on Fb.
It's been about four years since I have seen them, and I am very content, and feel good about it.
Fiancee (have never met her) of the non-email other brother has previously emailed me on Fb saying she'd love to act as a go-between, what can she do to help us all reconcile. I politely replied that I found my family negative and that I was very happy as things are. Their wedding is now getting close, and she has recently emailed me again to ask if I will please consider going, and that it would mean a lot to my mother/brothers. (Father not on scene.) I don't think they are that bothered as they have not tried to make amends. The brother getting married did email when they got engaged to see whether he should bother inviting us. It didn't feel friendly. "You may or may not be aware that me and * are now engaged. We'd like to invite you to the wedding but if things remain as they are, seems little point even sending an invite. In an ideal world we'd all just accept our differences yet here we are. Up to you."

Not really sure what I am asking here. I am really happy without them. I can't imagine going to this wedding and it not being 100% awkward. What would you do/say? In case it is relevant, we live at opposite ends of the country. I have no idea where the wedding is.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Coy,

I would not further communicate with the flying monkey that is the fiancée here. It just gives such people an "in". She has not wanted to at all hear your side of things (as further mentioned in my third paragraph).

Flying monkeys fall into two basic categories: willing, complicit partners and well-meaning dupes. The willing, complicit partners also fall into two categories: those who believe that you just need to forgive and forget and they are going to help you do just that (this sounds like this fiancee), and those who just don’t like you and are therefore quite happy to spy on you and to do their bidding. The dupes also break down into two categories: those who are fooled by drama into helping violate your boundaries and those who believe all of the lies and half-truths that the family of origin have spread about you and who want you to see the error of your ways.

By stepping in as one of the flying monkeys she is making one critical…and very disrespectful…error: she has not bothered to come to you and ask you for your side of the story. Any rational, truly well-meaning person wants to know both sides of an issue before they agree to assist one side against the other and they have a thirst for truth.

For your sake I would continue to stay away from all of them. You have managed not to see them for the past 4 years after all quite happily.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

She will likely reply to you now as you have given her an "in" to do so.

If she further replies with waffle then I would be fully prepared to block her, do not respond further. I really do not think she has ever acted in your best interests here, only her own. She is not your friend here.

[CoyRoy]

Thanks for your input, Attila. I feel like giving her the benefit of the doubt. I expect she comes from a happy family and just doesn't understand a big rift, and would love to fix things and have a more complete groom's side at the wedding and happy families going forward. I feel strong enough to cope with her sporadic emails if she does engage again.

[Intacta]

She might unwittingly be trying to please her in laws by rescuing them from huge social shame wrt your absence without them having to approach you safely or directly or cleanly.

Some flying monkeys sense they will be the next scapegoat if they can't get you to comply with the old status quo or get the info flowing to the abusers again (you have stopped that flow for the last 4 years and it's much harder to abuse when that happens). So it could be that she might be 'safer' in your family of origin if she can re engage you, but at cost to you.

I have seen this play out with families or bullies in social circles esp when narcissism is involved.

[CoyRoy]

Yes, I see the embarrassment of a missing sister at a wedding. Though B and I haven't mixed socially since adults, so I think most of his friends won't even know about me. We have no extended family so they won't be an issue either re wondering where I am.
I can't see that she thinks she will be the next scapegoat only because I can't believe they've told her the backstory. She will probably be thinking I have made a mountain out of a molehill and all can be fixed with a lovely wedding. She will think her MIL is nice, as she will be on her best behaviour to her - she usually is, with all but blood relations.

She replied to my email asking me to please reconsider. Argh.

[CodyKing]

She can see a testy reunion - maybe you being announced to enter in some spectacular way - carrying doves - or even a surprise bridesmaid??? Oh lovely - No?

[CoyRoy]

LOL!
I have a pang of sadness that baby DD won't be a flowergirl though.