how to handle meeting with therapist over exp pursuing contact with dd

[cestlavielife]

long background but dd is now 16, so any court order for contact not relevant zero contact with her dad since Oct 2014 following incident which was an assault and investigated by SS and deemed inappropriate behavior (was unwanted tickling and invasive, tho not sexual as such). SS recommended no contact unless DD wanted/initiated it. previously she had declined contact, had been let down so many occasions with false promises, had witnessed him being aggressive and violent, had witnessed him attack younger dd (tho youngest has forgiven him, accepting this was when he was depressed therefore she puts it into part of his depression/MH) and hid if he came near house tho tolerated public outings occasionally eg sibling birthdays etc.

exp long history severe MH episodes including aggression, abusive/controlling etc. I left (moved out of jointly owned property) in 2008 with 3 DC. younger dd 13 has weekly contact, often is let down and arrangements not kept. she organizes directly, knows that a promise to eg go swimming may or may not be kept.... other DS disabled, exp sporadic contact eg none in jan feb then 3 x for two hours each during march.

so, exp (who refused to attend a family group conference in 2015) has been pursuing "family therapy" to get contact with dd. psychiatrist from local family centre emailed me to ask if i would meet jointly to discuss a "way forward" and that he has great experience in families where child refuses to see non resident parent....

I have said i would meet privately first to give factual background - i have GP letters, SS report etc. I have no intention of forcing dd to have contact and certainly not while she in midst of GCSEs (I have said as such to exp he has emailed "exams are no excuse! you have stopped her having contact with me for 18 months!"
you get the picture...everything is clearly my doing and nothing to do with his behavior towards her...

I have learned from past experiences in such meetings to a) get the factual background in as exp misses out on crucial facts when he puts his "side" eg claiming he has not seen the Dc for 12 months when he has seen them just not on his terms ("so when did you last see the DC"? "last week, but it was only at the park so didn't count, I haven't seen them properly for 12 months") ,; or not telling a therapist he had had severe MH episodes which impacted on his ability to have contact with the DC i.e. there were times it was not safe for contact to happen - it was not just my whim!; and sticking to a script...

and to be prepared for him to go on about how on xx date in xx year i did xxx to him... he goes on the attack... I dont want a session to be about me defending myself for every accusation
I am also wary of therapists who want to see both sides neutrally ... and may not come down on him for his attack on DD...

I suppose I would like to have a professional tell him to back off (harassing me about seeing DD/blaming me etc ) and for exp accept that the damage has been done..by him to DD - .and he would have to really show some respect and - what? - if he and dd are to have an adult relationship in future...

could this meeting be helpful or will it backfire?
how can I present facts without looking like a mad ex?
how can I make sure I am not coming across as parental alienation etc etc...
how can I make sure ground rules are no accusations etc.; while ensuring his attack on DD is acknowledged?

[cestlavielife]

I agree biblio, I think where there has been open acknowledgement and genuine remorse .. . but in that case you probably would not be in situation of courts, court orders, constantly on the defensive etc.

as Lundy Bancroft says, few actually reform.

Exp has continued to state repeatedly that he has had no role to play in anything ... everything has been my fault etc etc

[cestlavielife]

eg as far as he is concerned he has never done anything to harm or hurt dd1. he has exercised his rights as a father to do what he likes with her "i can tickle her if i want to" and in any case it is my fault somehow...

on that basis you could never ever have systemic therapy with him and DD1

[amarmai]

put yourself and your dcc first. he is not your responsibility. Get all the practical necessities dealt with and if you and your dcc need therapy , you can arrange this without ex being involved.He might benefit from the approach you outline, but again, he is not your responsibility.BTW i have no qualifications in any area except the school of hard knocks.

[cestlavielife]

I agree amarmai.
and I will follow this.

I was also pointing out above a new school of thought which seeks to engage the whole family in systemic "treatment" of the abuser.... this could be dangerous...

[amarmai]

thanks for this info,op. i am amazed that this cd be considered fair to the mother and cc who have been suffering from the abuser .Is it not bad enuf to have been abused ? Those who have been abused are not responsible for their abuse. This approach seems to have a blame the victim aspect to it ,if the abused are told they are to help the abuser. WHY? when a woman and dcc manage to escape their abuser and are trying to stay clear of any involvement with him, this so called 'therapy' wd force them back into his clutches for more EA . This is boiling my piss. Stay strong,op.