Hi all.
Quick background, together for 19 yrs, married for 17yrs and have a 12yr old dc. Always thought we had a strong marriage and we understood each other very well. Last couple of years however I have had a niggle at the back of my mind, sort of ‘is this it’ and put it down to a mid life thing as I am in early 40’s, dh is mid 40’s and we have the usual stresses with house, family, money etc. Same as everyone else I suppose.
Thing is this niggle has become more constant and most days now I realise I am deeply unhappy in our marriage. I have physically changed a lot over the past year (for the better) and have tried to busy myself with hobbies etc as I know I cannot rely on just my dh to make me happy. The general unhappiness still remains though. I am self-employed but work has slowed quite a bit lately so I have managed to get myself a second job which I am enjoying even though it is quite hard work and this will ease any money worries. If I have had unexpected bills in the past dh will help me out if I ask but I can tell he does begrudge doing this so I prefer not to ask. Our finances are separate, I pay a set amount into his bank account every week which covers the cost of the mortgage, he pays all other household bills.
Our dc has a sports hobby that is quite a commitment for all of us and there will be an opportunity for her to train abroad next year, we all knew this about 3 years ago and have all been looking forward to travelling out for this camp as it would be our family holiday for that year (we haven’t been on holiday for the past 4 years). My dh helps out regularly with the training and enjoys it. I have to say as a dad he is very involved and interested and our dd adores him.
On the weekend my dh came home from training to say that he has volunteered to help out for a few hours each day on this camp abroad next year and that his expenses for the trip would be covered. He then said it would be ‘easier and cheaper’ if just he and dc went to camp and I didn’t go. At first I was shocked that he would even consider going without me after we had been looking forward to it for so long, then I realised that he simply doesn’t care if I am there or not. I would be paying for myself so the cost would not be an issue.
I am not sure is this is the last straw for me as I feel totally numb and bereft. We went to bed last night and I could not stop myself crying, lying there wide awake whilst he was out like a light.
I feel totally superfluous to him even though I have made my entire life fit around his work (shifts that change every week) and our dc’s schooling, aswell as dealing with the vast majority of housework/cooking etc.
He knows I am unhappy but has no answers other than to cook a few meals and expect me to be ‘fine’. This husband of the year act usually doesn’t last long.
I tried to broach the subject of how unhappy I was and that if things don’t change I can leave when I get a couple of months rent money behind me and his response was a very angry ‘so you hate me so much all you are staying for is my money!!??’ I am working 2 jobs so how he thinks I am after his money is beyond me even though he brings in over 3 times my salary.
He tells me he loves me every single day but not sure if thats enough anymore.
I am sorry, I don’t know exactly what I want from this post. I am not sure if I want to stay, not sure I even like him very much, I am torn.
My own parents divorced, very bitterly after 18yrs and when I have talked to my mum all she says is what a good dad he is etc, etc. I know he is a good dad and I would never hinder any parent/child contact in the slightest. I feel guilty for putting my daughter is this situation as I clearly remember the fallout from my parents divorce and it was horrendous.
I never in a million years thought I would be considering separating, does it sound like there is any way back from this or is it over when you get to the numb, indifferent stage?
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Can you come back from indifference?
17 replies
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 03/04/2016 16:03
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