I am unhappy and I think our relationship is in trouble. He has no idea and thinks things are fine. We've had the same conversations over and over, things change for a bit and then go back.
Good points: thoughtful on big things like birthdays, affectionate, plays with the kids lots, will cook.
Rubbish bits: never sees what needs doing, rarely cleans up after cooking, although says he does but surfaces aren't wiped down. Rarely asks kids to pack away toys, won't do it after they've gone to bed if I'm out at work in the evenings. If he's putting them to bed, they will go about an hour later than if I do it, sometimes 2 hours. He says they aren't tired, but usually he's wound them up and got them very excited and they struggle to calm down. Couldn't get DD, 6 to school on time regularly, they'd be late about once a week or fortnight. He'd blame her for this. She does have some issues and she is difficult in the mornings, but he refuses to get up before 7 which I don't think gives him enough time. When there were road works he blamed them and wouldn't go earlier, just tried different routes which were also blocked. I used to do the run one day a week. I left early because of the traffic, school on time, was told that there is less traffic on that day.
Spends money on rubbish. Has no responsibility for anything financial. I do all bills and sort out his bank account, he pays his share but I organise it. He uses my credit card because he can't be trusted with his own. He maxes them out and only pays minimum off so we decided he wouldn't have one. He buys rubbish for the kids so fills up the house with more plastic crap that they don't need. He also buys a lot of food. He is impulsive with buying stuff, sees it, wants it, will buy it. It's always cheap stuff, but the frequency means it adds up quite a bit.
He doesn't like getting up. Has always worked flexible hours even before kids. At the weekend it will generally be me who gets up with kids. If I insist on him doing it. He will do breakfast, then turn telly on and "chill out on sofa as that's a skill they need to learn", then I get up and get cross that no one is dressed, by then they don't want to, cat's not been fed and breakfast is still on the table. I've pretty much stopped having a lie in as it's harder work. He claims I'm obsessive.
I suppose it doesn't feel like a partnership and i worry that I can't rely on him. For some things I can. But keeping house up together and finances are the biggest ones. These are the main things we argue about. He insists he is doing better than he ever has done and is a lot more grown up now, he is but it doesn't feel enough. Be says he can never do things right or enough for me and I'm always criticising him. He says I need to lighten up more and have more fun with kids and leave stuff, but when I do that, the stuff doesn't get done by anyone.
I can't work out if in expecting too much. I dunt think I am obsessional. I just want him to clean up after himself, be more structured with the kids, DD needs a firm structure in mornings and evenings or else bedtime and mornings are a nightmare and not buy crap.
Sorry it's so long and thanks if you've got this far!
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Confused. Is he not pulling his weight or am I expecting too much?
redwinerequired · 03/04/2016 08:05
Reading your post is similar to my situation and but in the reverse. My DH is crap with the kids he rarely interacts with them and gives me no time off as he can't look after the kids on his own. However I do no housework he is exceptionally house proud and tries to keep it immaculate and then gets so cross when a child gets toys out. Financially he worries about where every penny goes and is tight as you can be everything is too expensive never buys anything- has never had or refuses to have a credit card. We never get anything new. I get so cross with him as I wish he would be like other men and spend money on treating me or the kids, letting the kids play and just generally being messy but not so bloody sensible all the time. Your DH sounds a bit extreme the other way - but I would love a man that would spend money and play with the kids!! Let's do a swap
Did his mum do everything around the house when he was growing up while his dad didn't really do anything? In which case he may well just feel or assume that all the housework and general grown up stuff is stuff that you should be doing while he gets to laze around doing what he wants... And the fact that he does help out a bit - well inn his mind he probably is thinking (even if hes not realised explicitly that this is what he is doing) that you should be grateful he is helping out with anything as he's doing more than his dad did.
Have you ever asked him what his expectations are or were as to what the jobs were that need to be done in a home to make everyday life function properly and how he thought that they would get done in your household? Needs to be at the start of a conversation before you list out what you see as necessary , just to find out what his baseline expectations are.
You may well find that he has completely different views from you, he may not have factored lots of things in or doesn't have the same understanding of things that you do. But until you understand what is really going on in his head, chances are whatever discussions you do have won't be that effective because you'll be talking at cross purpose.
Have you ever asked him why he thinks it is fair that you do the lions share of the work/ shoulder more responsibility / that he doesn't see you as a partnership team with equal things to do but sees them as your jobs with him helping / that he is creating situations that he knows will have bad knock on effects for your dd and you/rest of family further down the line etc?
Just as an example - my bil used to berate dsis for mot doing enough in the house during the day when she had 3 young dc, despite the fact she would manage to have food on the table for him for lunch and supper, as well as fresh baked cakes etc in the tin (he's a farmer so home for lunch). But - despite it being so easy apparently to look after 3 kids and the household (and she had a long term chronic illness that physically caused her problems in doing things as easily as she would have done previously) he would never look after the kids by himself, let alone do anything else at the same time. Even if she was taking one of the dc to a party he would expect her to take the others with her rather than look after them himself. And he just didn't see that there was anything conflicting in holding both those views at the same time 
- it worked for him so why not. Finally the dc are a bit older now so he does do more with them but (as an outsider looking in!) it definitely seems to be on his terms.
And it sounds as though you and your dh have got yourself into some similar sort of patterns.
Bloody heck, if he's that bad with money I'd draw the line and I've tried to see both sides. .My DH has been allowed to get away with "murder" and I've been on the receiving end of much criticism from friends, family and Mnet. But he brings home the bacon if not the fatted calf.
If you are doing extra jobs to survive and he has sabotaged family security I honestly think you'd be better off on your own.
I am so very sorry
I find it infuriating being told to relax more when the house is up the swannee and the kids have got that too much telly wired overexcited but fatigued feel.
Having said that, I am with the only man in the world who finds my housekeeping standards too demanding - I'm an absolute slob but do occasionally wipe things, whereas he is tidy but literally never cleans, the house was thick with dust (on piles of tidy things) when I arrived.
So I do try to count my blessings 
I think the things to focus on are the finances and the morning routine as these are giving you more trouble than anything else. You've made huge progress and you've done it together. I think also pursuing the ADHD side is probably worth it. I would sit down and talk yet again about these things - let him see your distress about them, dh changed when I did that.
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