Texts to his ex

[Justgoaway]

I'm a being unreasonable that after a year together my boyfriends ex still finds it acceptable to text him any time of the day.

I have to disclose now that I am only aware of the extent of this due to using his iPad (linked to his phone) and in that time a conversation played out. So curiosity for got the better of me and it's just hundreds of messages.
She seems to Initiate conversation almost daily, there are times when I guess she had gone a few weeks without messaging but for the most part she is in touch daily.

He always replies. Is always apologetic to her if it's a slow reply.

They do have children, I am aware that they might need to converse about them but some of the conversations were up to twenty texts long. (All day).
General chat, laughing and the occasional memory thrown in.
They don't put kisses or talk feelings etc.

They've been separated 18 months. He doesn't seem to iniate conversation or send any texts. But always responds and seems happy to chat.

Is it weird ?! Normal ?! I feel a bit put out

[Binders1]

It sounds like your bf is playing your relationship down to his ex and that it's pretty casual. It does sound like you are a little insecure/jealous even though you say you are not but then you are posting here for reassurance. You post he speaks to her more than he does you. It has been a year, he is not ready to put you in his children's lives and wants to keep you separate. How often do you get to see him outside of work when he is not with his children? He sounds a good dad and co-parenting will be much easier if it is amicable with his ex. Texts to an ex especially to the other parent wouldn't bother me at all if I trusted the person and the texts were innocent as you have said.

[Justgoaway]

I wouldn't say it's an insecurity at all.
If it was a few texts a week a picture of the children or discussing them it wouldn't have unsettled me. Some days they text all day and talk, as far as I could tell it's only the last few months were this has been happening.

Clearly you are and would all be happy for your partners to be texting their ex all the time.

[choli]

I think the OP needs to examine her own insecurity to figure out why it bothers her so much that her boyfriend has an amicable friendly relationship with his ex. Surely that is the best type of post breakup relationship for all concerned?

[louise987]

Tbh he sounds like a decent guy.

Don't worry about it and trust him. Or speak to him and have it all out on the table to share concerns and how things need to be for you both to be happy.

[Runner05]

Apologies for sounding spiteful, I actually meant my comment as tongue in cheek but that obviously didn't come across as expected.

We attempt to keep a pleasant relationship with OHs ex despite the circumstances of their separation which most would consider a good reason for him to feel quite unpleasantly disposed towards her. If OH didn't have children with her he would choose to cut her out of his life completely as she is not a very positive influence however the point I was trying to make is that when you have children, no matter how you really feel it's far better to swallow it and maintain the appearance of friendship for the sake of the children.

[HeddaGarbled]

Hmm, there is a little bit of having his cake and eating it here. He left her but he is still a very big part of her life which he seems to be quite happy with. And then he gets to have a girlfriend as well. All good for him.

Not good for his ex. This level of contact is not going to help her get over the break up.

Not good for you. Fair enough in the early stages of your relationship but it's been a year now.

He's happy with the current set up but in fairness to both you and his ex at some point quite soon he ought to make a decision about which way he is going to jump.

[Lemonblast]

On the contrary, he maintains an amicable relationship with the mother of his kids and he's taking his time before potentially causing any more upheaval in their lives.
He sounds like a good guy. You can't expect to make him change a dynamic between him and his Ex that clearly benefits the kids. Who are the most important things in all of this.

[Toounhappynow]

I find your last few posts much more of an issue than your first!

He doesn't want to hurt her by having you in his kids life? And you have been together a year and work with him so have met them but he doesn't want to share his time with them, with you? Are you the type to demand he gives you attention over his children? After a year surely he knows if his relationship with you is casual or long term. What does he say to you OP?

When you say she knows about you, do you mean he knows he is seeing someone? Or does she know he is seeing the woman who works for him and you've been together over a year? My guess is she thinks you a casual bit of fluff.

I would be wary in your circumstances, sorry.

[Justgoaway]

She knows about me.

What I meant is that he didn't want to hurt her by having me in his children's lives until he was ready to share them with me

[InaMay]

Gotta be honest here, I'd be concerned that he hasn't even told his ex about you after a year together.

[butteredmuffin]

I think only time will tell. They presumably split up for a good reason, but that doesn't mean neither of them feel any regrets, especially if they have children and were together for a long time. But having regrets doesn't necessarily mean you should have stayed together. Hopefully as your relationship progresses he will start to build more memories with you and eventually feel comfortably introducing you to his children and their mother so you can play a fuller part in each other's lives. You can't force it though - just take things one day at a time, make sure you're communicating with each other properly, and don't forget to ask yourself whether the relationship is making you happy as well!

[Justgoaway]

I had wondered if there were regrets on both parts or if they were both unwilling to completely let go and that's why he and her are still in touch so much etc and I am not yet a bigger part of his life.

[butteredmuffin]

Well if that's the way he feels then it looks like you will just have to accept it for the time being. I would just focus on your relationship with him and see how things go. It doesn't sound easy.

[Justgoaway]

We have spoken about the children recently.
He doesn't want to share his time with them with anyone at the moment.
I work for him and the children are around when they visit, I've not been introduced as a friend it's just thoroughly avoided.

When I have asked about why or when ?! He says that he is just not willing to hurt his ex by having another's involvement until it's right and until he feels it's right for the children.

[butteredmuffin]

When did you last talk to him about it?

You say you've been together a year? And they split up 18 months ago? If you got together only 6 months after he split up with his ex then I can understand him not wanting to complicate things by introducing you to his kids initially. But after a year...well, perhaps you should just have a general conversation with him about whether he's happy in the relationship, where he sees things going etc and see what he says.

Is it perhaps fair to say that this is more about you wondering where the relationship is going and feeling a bit jealous of the easy intimacy that he still has with his ex?

If he is serious about the relationship with you then at some point you will need to meet his kids and most probably his ex as well. So perhaps if it's been a while since you last talked about it, it might be worth bringing the subject up again and seeing how he reacts.

[Justgoaway]

I've not met her no.
I've yet to meet his children either and I guess that adds to the unsettlement.
He said he doesn't want to entangle his life with them and his relationship until the time is right.

[Toounhappynow]

Agree that Runner's post sounded mean. An amicable EASY friendship between exes who co-parent is rare but does that mean it should be sneered at? I can't comment on the OP situation, it could be innocent, it may not be. Some marriages end up as friends co-parenting and if that then continues, so long as it isn't intimate or usurping the new DP, then surely it is to be encouraged?

Talk to your DP, OP. Have you met her? Would it help to get a bit more friendly with her? Tell him you feel unsettled and talk about it.

Personally if I split up from DH and we remained good friends and I remarried, I would ask him if he wanted to come to my wedding. He may prefer not to. I may prefer not to go to his. But I would ask. This woman will be a part of your life whilst you are with your DP. Isn't it better than it is easy going and friendly?

[InaMay]

Maybe so RealityCheque, horribleness being in the eye of the beholder etc. But, the idea that Runner and her BF get lots of 'lols' out of laughing at his exes expense, behind her back, all the while she thinks they are on good terms, does not a very nice person maketh. In my (strange?) assessment obvs.

OP, why not just have a chat with your OH. I'm sure he will put any concerns you have to rest. He has done nothing really wrong at the end of the day. To be honest when I started reading this I half expected that you'd stumbled across some rude content in these texts. As this is not the case, I think your OH would be happy to cut back on the contact if you find it problematic. And of course, if his ex sees him as only a friend, it shouldn't be an issue for her either.

[TheStoic]

I agree with, Ina. Runner's post sounded pretty spiteful.

[jayho]

I split up with ex 16 years ago, our DD is now grown up and independent. We still have the odd chat, sadly these days when a mutual friend dies more often than not.

We do also flag up things the other might be interested in and I'm facebook friends with his wife. I'd never do/say anything I wouldn't be comfortable with his wife seeing and I'd expect her to be aware of any comms we do have and have referenced conversations I've had with him to her.

However, in the interests of complete honesty (and pre his marriage) we did have a few 'oh, if only it had turned out differently' conversations, but now I think this was mainly because we have always liked each other and were good co-parents to our child but a rubbish couple.

As long as he's open about it, I wouldn't worry, they must have got on and liked each other at some point and splitting up doesn't automatically mean that affection disappears. As they continue to co-parent there are advantages in them having a positive relationship going forwards and you'll benefit from that too.

If he's secretive, you've got a problem.

[RealityCheque]

Ina, what a strange assessment you have made of Runner05 on the basis of one post.

I would suggest it is more you that "sounds horrible" rather than Runner.

[Justgoaway]

The only thing that unsettles me is the amount, some days the kids aren't even mentioned they are just talking away.

Before I mentioned I wanted to be sure I wasn't going to come across as ludicrous and that there was a little weight behind my need to rock the boat.

I support his relationship with his ex and that the better he is with her the children will benefit.
My own parents divorced and parted amicably, but I know that had phones been as prevalent then as they are now they wouldn't have been in touch near as much.
They were friends but not close.

[TimeToMuskUp]

I split up with DS1's Dad almost 10 years ago. We text often, at least a few times a week. We're also friends on Facebook and I tag him in stuff to do with DS1. DS2 (not his DS) loves him. Genuinely loves him. It's got to be better for us all than hating one another.

Understandably it could feel a little odd meeting someone who's remained friends with their ex, though. Have you had a talk about how you feel? Could you?

[butteredmuffin]

In general I would say it is not normal to be texting your ex as frequently as that, even if they are on good terms. But if they have children together, you need to tread carefully. They need to be in regular contact with each other, and it is obviously in everyone's best interests (particularly their children) that they get on. If you start trying to intervene, it could put a strain on the amicable relationship he has with his ex and make it more difficult for him to co-parent with her. I get that it's always tricky to be in a relationship with someone who already has kids, but if you want this relationship to work out, you're going to have to accept that his kids and his ex will always be a part of his life and deal with that as best you can. For now I think you should concentrate on your relationship with him and try to communicate with him as much as possible. Maybe he is talking to his ex because of the kids, because they have a lot of shared history, or because she needs a bit of emotional support. Make sure he isn't talking to her because he needs emotional support and he isn't getting it from you. You can't build up years of shared history overnight, and it is quite normal to feel that you can't "compete" with a long-term ex. But she is his ex for a reason, so focus on the reasons why he is with you now, and try to make your relationship the best it can be.

[InaMay]

Runner05, you and your boyfriend sound horrible. Probably not intended and perhaps not the case, but your post was pretty shitty.

OP, if the texts are as innocent and non-romantic as you say, what is it about them that bothers you exactly? Has he ever lied about the amount of contact or what is it that has you rattled enough to post here? You say you feel put out, but I don't see the issue really.