Is she trying to steal him?......

[GeorgesMummy1]

I have been with my OH for 8 years and we recently got engaged, I am very happy and think he is too (?)

The problem started around Christmas when one of his close work friends tragically passed away unexpectedly. Since then, he has become friendly with his friends widow, phone calls, texts and popping round to see her. I totally understood as I have always trusted him and he said she didn't have any close family or friends (I have since found out his is not true) She then started calling late at night, crying etc asking him to come round as she was lonely, sometimes he would answer and take the phone into a different room and sometimes he would cancel the call. I told him to tell her not to ring in the middle of the night (after midnight!) and thought that would be the end of it.


We had arranged to meet up with some friends over the weekend but I ended up not being able to go (babysitting issues) so he went on his own. I had no problem with this even when I tried to call and his battery had died.

When he came back (with one of our mutual friends) he plugged hi phone in and she immediately started to call him. He didn't answer the call. I was a bit pissed off as it was late again and then the mutual friend told me he had arranged to meet up with her that day and I ought to be careful as she 'wanted a piece' of him. (He said he was going to meet up with her but didn't and that she was probably calling to find out were he was) I then went through his phone, which I never have done before and he had deleted all texts to and from her and also deleted his call log. We had a huge row that ended up with him saying he wouldn't contact her again and would block her number. I felt like a bit of a bitch as she is obviously lonely and needs support. The problem is now I don't know if I trust him when he says he won't get in touch with her. We both work full time and his job means he does a lot of travelling and could be anywhere in the country. I have never been jealous before and is driving me mad that he can't see my point of view about this woman.

Am I being unreasonable???

[sunshinesummer]

I wouldn't trust her as far as I could fling her.

She's already having sex with another man. She's calling Op's Partner late at night, wanting him to go over.

Come on! I think it's pretty clear what she's after.

[Buzzardbird]

Honestly, with the widow I know, you could practically hear the men in question thinking the words 'life insurance'.

[MatrixReloaded]

Op I wouldn't reach out to her no. Doing so would only encourage the inappropriate relationship she's having with your husband. Your not obliged to support her, you don't know her and you don't owe her anything.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Tbh I would have probably taken this over right away- she wasn't your dhs friend, right? She's the widow of his friend- so we would both have tried to support her- and there is absolutely no way dh would have been having late night calls, visits, etc etc, without me.

He lied to you about her having no one else and now he's deleted her texts. I would be furious.

[jollygoose]

Whilst she may well be grief stricken and I`m sure she is , however sympathetic your dh is she should not be ringing him late at night, I know that whatever the circumstance I would not be ringing another womans husband, he could just be flattered but you are right to be wary.

[Duckdeamon]

I would worry less about her and more about your H. Buy him a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and tell him to sort out his inappropriate behavioir and priorities!

[Buzzardbird]

I reckon he will have told her that it isn't a problem to ring him anytime.

[scarlets]

She needs to be leaning on her family and close friends. Her obsession with your oh is unhealthy and harmful, irrespective of whether she's being manipulative or just naive. He must distance himself for everyone's sake, especially hers. I dint think that you should contact her but I see no problem with your answering the phone when she rings up, and explaining politely that oh is unavailable, it's 11pm, and he's asleep.

[CreepingDogFart]

She has overstepped the mark.
She probably doesn't realise she has in her grief.
Your DH should be the one to back away.
He is encouraging her at the moment.
The issue is knowing whether he is doing it inadvertently or deliberately.
It is very sad for the widow but to him, you should come first.
If that's tricky for him then it's not going to work is it.

[workedoutforthebest]

Hi, op. Not read all of thread.

Are you sure that her giving intimate details about shagging her neighbour is true & not a red herring?

[ILikeUranus]

Emmiy I completely agree, the dh needs to leave this woman alone and concentrate on his relationship with the OP, because what's he's doing is totally inappropriate and certainly heading towards an affair if it's not one already. But I still think the way smallthings described grieving widows as calculating man-snatchers was pretty harsh.

[Emmiy]

ILikeUranus I agree

[goddessofsmallthings]

It appears that you misinterpreted my earlier post, Uranus as some is not all and, albeit that you may find it harsh, it is a fact that some widows, and some widowers for that matter, are relieved rather than bereaved by the loss of a spouse and some move on to new relationships with what, to many, appears to be unseemly haste and without scruple as to whether their new partners are married or cohabitating when they take up with them.

I make no assumption as to the state of mind of the widow of the OP's fiance's late colleague, but to my mind he should be more circumspect about the amount of time he spends supporting this woman as he's leaving himself open to speculation that he's taking advantage of her grief and, more importantly, he should have more care for the feelings of the mother of his child to whom he is promised in marriage.

[AyeAmarok]

No I don't think you should reach out to her, as it wouldn't be genuine on your part and she doesn't need that.

Have you thought about whether the "sleeping with the neighbour" scenario your DP is telling you is a cover for him sleeping with her?

I think he's behaving dishonestly, he's your problem, not her.

[IreallyKNOWiamright]

I think you should have gone round instead of him when your gut instinct started to say something. As you say she needs support and I think you should ask your husband to cut contact with her and if it's genuine support she will accept it from you as well as him.
If she doesn't you have your answer.