Is she trying to steal him?......

[GeorgesMummy1]

I have been with my OH for 8 years and we recently got engaged, I am very happy and think he is too (?)

The problem started around Christmas when one of his close work friends tragically passed away unexpectedly. Since then, he has become friendly with his friends widow, phone calls, texts and popping round to see her. I totally understood as I have always trusted him and he said she didn't have any close family or friends (I have since found out his is not true) She then started calling late at night, crying etc asking him to come round as she was lonely, sometimes he would answer and take the phone into a different room and sometimes he would cancel the call. I told him to tell her not to ring in the middle of the night (after midnight!) and thought that would be the end of it.


We had arranged to meet up with some friends over the weekend but I ended up not being able to go (babysitting issues) so he went on his own. I had no problem with this even when I tried to call and his battery had died.

When he came back (with one of our mutual friends) he plugged hi phone in and she immediately started to call him. He didn't answer the call. I was a bit pissed off as it was late again and then the mutual friend told me he had arranged to meet up with her that day and I ought to be careful as she 'wanted a piece' of him. (He said he was going to meet up with her but didn't and that she was probably calling to find out were he was) I then went through his phone, which I never have done before and he had deleted all texts to and from her and also deleted his call log. We had a huge row that ended up with him saying he wouldn't contact her again and would block her number. I felt like a bit of a bitch as she is obviously lonely and needs support. The problem is now I don't know if I trust him when he says he won't get in touch with her. We both work full time and his job means he does a lot of travelling and could be anywhere in the country. I have never been jealous before and is driving me mad that he can't see my point of view about this woman.

Am I being unreasonable???

[Guiltypleasures001]

The neighbour she's sleeping with hopefully not a euphemism for your dh

[Chinks123]

I know you said "should I trust he won't contact her again" but think of it like this, if there was nothing dodgy doing on why would he offer to cut contact, and he was so quick to suggest that it seems he wanted to shut you up..deleting everything is not the behaviour of an honest friend comforting a grieving widow I'm afraid.

I know you feel like a cow for mistrusting a woman who is grieving, it seems harsh to mistrust her. But as a pp said, your marriage comes first and from what you've described I highly believe something is going on. You need to (I know it's easier said than done) try and make him be honest and tell you what's going on! Blocking her is a cowards answer as it also means she can't suddenly send an incriminating text for you to see.

[Chinks123]

BUT yes she is grieving and he will be a massive comfort to her, and if nothing is going on there is no need to cut contact he just needs to keep the boundaries. If she is trying to make it inappropriate just remember grief makes us do stupid things. Hope it all gets sorted op

[grobagsforever]

Wow. I'm stunned at this thread. This poor widow of THREE MONTHS is desperate for emotional support and you are worried she is 'stealing' him? Her husband DIED. She doesn't know up from down. Trust me - at this point after my DH died suddenly I was trying to give away the bloody life insurance.

Take a long hard look at yourself and your insecurities OP. And stop blaming othet women. Shame on all of you who have blamed this poor woman for reaching out.

You know what? There but for the grace of God go you. When DH died my male friends supported me whole heartedly and their wives encouraged them to do so. (I was 33 and attractive enough but thankfully their wives were lovely compassionate humans not jealous insecure ones). 18 months later one of those close males friends died suddenly and I am now supporting his wife. Sometimes what goes around comes around.

[Branleuse]

err, well why is she trying to get emotional support from someone elses husband at all hours of day and night, and not the OP.

Lots of people are in new relationships by then

[Branleuse]

my lovely aunt was in a new relationship 3 months after her husband died.

Some people just cant be on their own

[ToomuchChocolatemeansBootcamp]

Grobagsforever did you see the updated post about the grieving widow already sleeping with her neighbour and telling about it ? Puts a bit of a different perspective on her actions.

[ClarenceTheLion]

I know someone who left his wife for her brother's recent widow. The poor woman lost her brother, her husband and also her nephews because of the estrangement.

You say that she does have close friends/family she can lean on. Therefore repeatedly ringing your DP so much is unreasonable and suggests an unhealthy focus on him. Could he contact some of her loved ones and explain she needs a lot of support from them right now? After three months it's probably time that he starts withdrawing his emotional support.

[Teaandcakeat8]

She sounds incredibly vulnerable and if he is taking advantage of her in that situation then I say let him go OP.

Is there any reason why she is leaning on only him and not you as a couple? Are you both friends with her? Could you also start offering support?

[Chinks123]

shame on all of you who have blamed this poor woman for reaching out

I don't think anyone has blamed her, and have expressed sympathy at what must be an awful time, I actually said the ops DP should keep supporting her. But if you read all the posts, it says the woman is telling the DP about her sex life, ringing him to come over every night practically and he is now deleting messages. I don't think the OP needs to "take a long hard look at her insecurities" ...if he deletes messages and call logs surely she'll be a bit worried?!

[GeorgesMummy1]

Thank you for all your responses, I feel awful about what has happened to her but after I heard about her sleeping with the neighbour and she had told my OH ALL about it and some other friends I thought she was moving on but really don't think she is, should I try and reach out to her?

[Allnamesaretakenffs]

Not appropriate behaviour from him at all.

[FluffyPersian]

There’s an awful lot actions that I wouldn’t be happy about. Whether or not he’s having an affair, I think he enjoys being ‘needed’ and likes the attention – He may very well be justifying it by thinking ‘I’ve not slept with her so why do you have a problem?’

Except that it’s not the sex.. it’s the late night calls, the deleting of texts.. the amount of time he’s devoting to ‘supporting’ her – I imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, he wouldn’t like it if you were ‘supporting’ a man who apparently ‘wanted a piece of you’.

Actions speak louder than words and his stink.

[ClarenceTheLion]

To be honest OP, in your shoes I'd be creating distance from her, not creating new ties. You know the situation better, and I'm sure your gut instincts will take you a long way, but it is possible you'll just be giving her new things to talk to him about. But do what you're comfortable with.

[daisychain01]

Georges you cannot control her behaviour and I don't think there is any point you trying to empathise with her situation. She crossed the boundaries of decency, talking about sex inappropriately like that. My previous post about the crushing realities of bereavement still apply, but it does not excuse her behaviour, which is wrong.

If you haven't had a "How many beans make five" talk with your DH I suggest giving him a reality check is your next priority. He needs you to tell him that he is embroiling himself way too deep into a situation he is not equipped to handle.

He then needs to drive the conversation directly with her. She needs to back off and handle her grief a different way.

I would not get involved with her if I were you.

[goddessofsmallthings]

With all due respect to those who are prostrated with grief, it can't be said that all widows were models of decorum prior to bereavement and some can be ruthless in pursuit of replacements for their late spouses.

In common, I suspect, with whatyousee, I'm mindful of a much admired poster here whose, now mercifully ex, lying scumbag h gave support to a loathsome trollop newly widowed woman who had no compunction about moving him into her home before her late dh's body was cold.

I've attended funerals where, amid much weeping, wailing, and tearing of hair, the widow professes her undying love and devotion to her late dh and has to be physically restrained from hurling herself onto his coffin as it's lowered into the grave. Sad to say, but I'm no longer surprised when it becomes apparent that the gentleman who so gallantly supported her throughout the proceedings has his feet under her table and is wearing the dead man's slippers shoes within a matter of weeks of the heartwrenching scenes.

When it comes to grief one size doesn't fit all, and it must be said that widowers can be as capricious as their female counterparts.
.

[daisychain01]

Some of your descriptions may well be effective to get your point across, goddess, but are nonetheless quite offensive.

But hey never let that get in the way of making your point well and truly known to all.

[Emmiy]

Very dangerous territory here. He probably just wanted to help her initially but now he feels stuck as he appears to be her counsellor. This is inappropriate and if she needs this much help (which is totally understandable) then she should start seeing a qualified counsellor who can help her through this as much as is possible. Men do sometimes feel the need to protect and help damsels in distress but it is not good news for you or your relationship. He needs to tell her gently that he cannot help her any more and that she needs to get some professional help. That's it really. I do hope lines have not already been crossed but deleting the messages is always a bad sign (unless he always deletes all messages automatically that is).

[FrancisdeSales]

When Elizabeth Taylor's husband died suddenly her best friend Debbie Reynold's husband Eddie Fisher helped her in her grief.

Eddie left Debbie as we all know.

Be very careful, intense emotional experiences make all parties mors vulnerable.

[ILikeUranus]

Bloody hell smallthings steady on a bit! Just because someone is desperate for a new man and moves him in ASAP doesn't mean their grief isn't real or that they're trying to get a replacement dh in a calculated manner. Sometimes people really genuinely grieving just need some comfort, and will take it from whoever offers it (even someone completely unsuitable/already attached) - especially if they remind them a little bit of the dh they lost, not necessarily looks-wise, but in that they appear kind and caring etc. They just want some comfort and aren't in the best position to make very good judgments, I doubt they mean to be calculated about it.

[Emmiy]

ILikeUranus that is all perfectly true but its so easy for lines to be crossed. I think that in this case the OP has the right to tell her OH that for her this is not acceptable and she is not happy about it. Her OH needs to respect that she is deeply unhappy about it and he should stop contact with the widow and suggest that she talks to bereavement counselling.

[Buzzardbird]

Looking at it from a different angle. I know a widow that got prayed on by a couple of her friend's husbands whilst she was at her most vulnerable stage.
It would be interesting to know who it was that was doing all the running initially.
The fact that he deletes messages says to me that he is definitely not innocent in all this.

[goddessofsmallthings]

You may find human nature offensive, daisy, but It's a subject of interest to me and In my earlier post (above) I have merely recorded what I have observed.

[Onceiwas20yearsold]

What buzzard said. She is very vunerable at the moment is he taking advantage?