My ex, my DP and my injured DD

[NoisyBarker]

I can't see the woods through the trees with this one, I feel like I just need others' opinions and maybe advice on my position on things...

I will try and be as succinct and factual as possible while giving a bit of background.

I left ex-DH 3 years ago. For a number of reasons...porn addiction and no sex life, he was getting more and more controlling and emotionally abusive. I was very unhappy.

He was devastated and still hasn't moved on really, although he is a lot happier in himself lately since getting a new job and making new friends. We have co-parented DD, who is 4, pretty well. He has her two nights a week, although his access is becoming increasing sporadic and disorganised due to this new job and a new found social life. The main disagreements we have had concern my new DP.

I met DP a year after the split. He is so lovely and I am very happy, he would do anything for us.

Because of X's emotional state and also because I wanted to be absolutely certain, I didn't introduce DD and DP for nearly a year. They are now very close and we will all move in together in the summer.

DH has been angry at the idea of DD spending time with this "other man". We had a huge blow up when DP took us both on holiday in October. EX and DP have never met but DH speaks of him with absolute disdain.

Anyway...the incident...

DD, DP and I were all home last night. They were playing in the living room, she loves playing quite rufty-tufty games with him and likes him to chase her and tickle her and throw her about a bit.

He was being a monster trying to eat her feet. At one point he grabbed her leg and pulled her to him so he could eat her foot. Her top rode up and she got a carpet burn on her back.

She didn't tell us about it until a while later when we were eating, and said her back hurt. I had a look and saw these three patches of friction burn going up her spine. I took her for her bath and put some cream on them. Apart from them being a little sore for a while, she didn't mention them again. I checked them this morning and when I touched them she said they didn't hurt anymore. They looked red though and to be honest, pretty bad.

Then I took her to her dad's as she is with him for the Easter weekend because next week we are going on a family holiday. With my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews and DP.

Knowing his attitude to DP I thought it best to tell him what had happened before DD told him and he would be angry with me for not telling him first. I knew he'd be annoyed but he was very very angry. I can see his point in some ways...it's not nice that your child has been hurt and it was careless.

Although I wish it hadn't happened and that he had been more careful, I am not annoyed with DP myself because I know it came from a place of fun and play and that he would do absolutely nothing to hurt her purposefully. He feels awful that he was too rough and I know it won't happen again. DD is completely unaffected, she laughed this morning when I was looking at them and said "it was funny though"

Anyway, DH says I have shown a lack of duty and care. And that DP has too. He is now saying he doesn't want DD to go on holiday with DP this week and that DP is never to be left alone with her.

I have said I think he is overreacting. He asked how I would overreact if he had a girlfriend and my girlfriend hurt DD?

I don't know if i have a leg to stand on. I am obviously biased. Firstly, how much of a point does he have? I am really bad at arguing with him.

[AuntieMaggie]

He's overreacting - my ds got a carpet burn on his elbow whilst playing with his grandad at a year old... it happens. He's just using it as an excuse.

[Spudlet]

Hell, I remember giving myself carpet burns on my knees because I was pretending to be a dog . These things happen with children!

[diddl]

I think that pulling kids along the floor by a limb is never really a good idea tbh.

It was an accident, of course, I suppose I don't see why, even in play, the kid should be pulled to the adult.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

I think you're being too harsh on yourself and not harsh enough on him

You fall back into the same unhealthy dynamic you had, that's natural, though something you want to be moving away from over time. Don't feel bad for falling into it though, it's more like a growing over time than an on/off switch!

One of THE most freeing things I've ever said was;

"No! Do NOT put your emotions onto me, they are yours to deal with NOT MINE!"

Complete with a pushing firmly away gesture with both hands... It felt so good and so healthy and kind to myself! I felt I'd literally pushed the crap back for once. For me that was a real marker of me turning away from a life of appeasing and cushioning other people's emotions, and taking on all the emotional pain and turmoil into myself. Grrrr.

It's so easy to drop into the role of emotional caretaker if you've been pushed into it long enough, and great when you can catch yourself clicking into it and just, refusing to do it anymore.

The recipient of my private revolution (!) was shocked into silence and dropped the 'little man-child I'm so vulnerable and damaged waaaah passive aggressive bollocks'... Until then I had no idea he could be anything but that, to see him drop it made me realise that he was doing this to me, and could in fact turn it off when needed.

You don't have to cowtow to his emotional world. Or justify yourself to him. Keep a distance and try to avoid situations where he gets to flood you with manipulation and emotional garbage.

[Atenco]

Well I do think rough and tumble is such great fun, that it would be a shame to deprive your dd of it. Just maybe with a bit more care.

As for carpet burns, none of mine have ever had those -don't have any carpets-

[Ebony69]

I think that it's less about the carpet burns and more about the ex's unease about his daughter sharing such an intimate moment with OP's partner within their new family unit. Whilst the ex's response is unreasonable, I can understand why he may feel an insecurity about it. However, like many others before him, he will need to get used to it.

[Phoenix69]

Of course he is being unreasonable and overreacting to exert more control over you. I can see why he would be anxious about injuries and you were right to explain what happened but your explanation is sufficient.

You know he is controlling and emotionally abusive, he can pull your strings with all of the behaviour you have described. Care for his feelings less. Put all your energy into the positive relationship with your partner and daughter.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

He's being very unreasonable because he's jealous of your lovely DP's place in BOTH of your lives.

Apart from anything it's a carpet burn from playing, who didn't get those as a child?! I've actually got them on both elbows, they bled & were quite nasty. Two weeks later they're still sore! It wasn't even fun! I was kneeling & leaning on my elbows playing with the kids and they slid out from underneath me on some nasty commercial carpet. It's hardly like he did something out of the ordinary or something really stupid, he did what nearly all of us do when playing with kids.

Live your life as you see fit, try to ignore his jealous and unjustified outbursts.

I get why you told him, but really, minimise whatever information you give him. 'DD has a couple of carpet burns on her back, they don't hurt, but here's some cream if she wants it'.

Get a few stock answers so that he doesn't either get a rise out of you or upset you & make you doubt yourself, things such as 'You are her father, but DP loves her too. Children have unlimited love, it doesn't threaten your relationship with her, but you will if you keep reacting like this'. Then do not engage further. Put it on his shoulders, not yours.

He doesn't get to dictate that only you and he love DD, or that your DP doesn't become as important to your DD as either of you are.

He's a bully isn't he 😡 You've showed a lack of 'duty & care'. What a lot of horse shit. As for not leaving her alone with DP?! WTAF. He's a fuckwit. Out of the two of them I'd leave her with DP over ex DH.

Honestly, he's done quite a number on you while you were together, break free of trying to appease him and just get the twat told. He's not the boss, you don't have to answer to him and his word is not law. You're an adult who makes her own choices. Remember that when dealing with bullies.

I understand it must be hard for him to see another man raising his daughter, but he should have thought about that when you were together and sorted himself out, he only has himself to blame. Feel free to point that out.



I disagree with stopping 'rough play'. It's very good for a child's development both physically & emotionally. Not to mention they both enjoy it & it's good for them to bond in this way.