Is there ANY way to be in a loving relationship with a narcissist?

[likeanarrow]

DP lurks here hence new name...

I read, for a good reason I know, about how many people have serious problems with their narcissist partners. I just wonder if anyone here has a good, loving relationship with this type of person ? If so, how? Do you live apart for example?

After three years of being in love with my DP and yet finding him extremely challenging, I have finally come to realise that he is a narcissist. He is selfish, critical and gets very wounded (overly so) when any flaw is revealed. Among many other things. But, and it's a big but, he's also very appealing to me - attractive, intellectual, often kind and funny. I've never felt so in love with a guy (I'm 45) but also never felt so worried about how to be in a relationship with a guy either?

I am at a point where we are talking about moving in together and I feel wary. I don't know if I can deal with him and his ways all the time. I'd love to share my life with him but don't want to lose myself in order to do that.

He has a son but is the NRP and I am so fond of him too. I can see how he is affected by his dad's ways and want to be there for him too.

Writing this down makes me feel very silly. I would tell a friend to walk away yet I find this so hard to consider for myself. Can anyone offer any words of wisdom?

[groovergirl]

Read all this, OP? Absorbed?

Good. Now, just shag the hell out of him and enjoy yourself with no deeper involvement. Crushes of this magnitude take 18-24 'months to run their physiolological course. It is nothing mystical, and all about the human endocrine system.

Good luck. Have some great sex, and do report back to us if you'd like to divulge the juicy details.

[Guiltypleasures001]

You cannot have a relationship with a narc, they only have a relationship with themselves, you already know this your attractive to the danger and the possibility you have enough to interest him.

You don't your kidding yourself. If your in mental health you already know this, I'd go see your supervisor and have a very candid conversation with them.

[springydaffs]

I was just about to mention Melanie Tonia Evans ! She's great.

op. I was so under his spell I just didn't want to let go even if I knew what he was about (which I didn't - until later ). He was impossibly gorgeous and wonderful. All the better to gobble me up

[cotswoldbrown]

I havent posted on MN in 2 years but this thread made me weep as the posts brought up many thoughts for me.

I agree with Backtoblackcoffee 's comment, game over!

But the MOST important comment in the thread is that by Joysmum , this is about you. A Narc will never change. groovergirl lists all the things I did- slept with him too soon, did his housework, moved in, marked in, had 2 kids, moved to a different part of the country with him. .....the list goes on , but I've learned the reasons I was drawn into a havjng a relationship with a narc and couldn't tear myself away!

I've crawled out of the wreckage barely alive, but I AM alive and thriving, but god what a journey! The info on melanie.tonia.evans has been a life saver, literally and would be a good place to start reading and to get some help. The webinars and youtube videos are very insightful for anyone involved in narc relationship.

Love and light x

[Backtoblackcoffee]

The fact that your calling him a narc means it's over.

[TheFullMinty]

Good god just run whilst you still have the opportunity. Also, well done on nipping it in the bud early before it gets harder to extract yourself.

[MonsterClaws]

A relationship with someone who can't love you? What is the point? Why consider it. Buy a motorbike for fun or go bungee jumping and get what you deserve a loving and fun partner

[pickmeupputmedown]

Sorry OP but based on experience I would step away from a Narc. It took me over 15 years to do so and my self esteem is still rock bottom but no way would I go back.

[MisguidedAngel]

Doesn't really matter what the label is, you won't have a good relationship with someone like that. Just spying on his ex is enough of a red flag. I was madly in love with someone like him, he made me very happy and then very unhappy indeed. Looking back, I can't believe what I chose not to see. I thought I could "mend" him.

After it was over, a friend of his told me that he used to say "Now shall I be nice or nasty to Misguided tonight?"

[Imbroglio]

"I work in mental health"

All the more reason to stay away - you'll always be wondering what to try next, how its your behaviour that needs changing, and he'll use those feelings of insecurity to make everything that's a problem down to your incompetency.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" I work in mental health"
He's not your patient. You can't fix him. No, there is no way to be in a loving relationship with a narcissist.

[SoThatHappened]

I'd also look at this previous relationships. Did he treat exes badly, cheat, lie, etc.

Did anyone manage to get him to stop doing what he was doing?

I'd wager that they didnt.

[SoThatHappened]

Shit......posted on the wrong thread. will ask for it to be deleted lol

[Joysmum]

There's a lot of people commenting on him, I think you'd do better to question why you've not run for the hills and think you can fix him enough to make him relationship worthy. You've got a few issues of your own to even contemplate it.

[Imbroglio]

Do not move in.

People who are narcissistic are controlling. If they don't have control of you they may make an effort with you, but if you move in the 'wooing' (such as it is) will stop and you'll be appeasing him in every way you can while he does exactly what he wants.

I've seen it.

[SoThatHappened]

My mum is a narc too I think.

She only really cared how my behaviour affected her. She criticised my appearance, my weight, my choices, no matter what I did in it was and still never is good enough.

She controlled me when I was young to the extent that if I went out with a boyfriend she wouldnt speak to me for a day or so after I got back. She didnt really let me go anywhere as a kid, not to birthday parties, childrens houses to play, etc.

She ruined my life as a child and blamed me for ruining hers, it took me years to see it was her all along.

Even now when I have a problem or need help or something goes wrong in my life, her reaction is dont start or dont do this to ME.

I was involved with a narc bf who was similar, when something is wrong with you or you need support, they only care about your issues insofar as how if affects them. They need it to be all about them and they make you feel bad for having problems as thry cannto deal with it.

[winterinmadeira]

No definitely don't do it. You will never exist as a person in your own right. You only exist to make them look good, feel better or be an emotional or worse punchbag etc. There is only one word in a Narc's life and it is 'me'. I made the mistake of falling for the nice guy stuff at the start and missed the big red flags. It took me a v v long time to recover.

Get out now.

[RubbishMantra]

I know I'm coming at this from a different angle, but my mother is a narc.

When my sisters and I were teenagers, out and about with her and got wolf whistled/eyed up she'd say "Ooh, those men are whistling at me!" We weren't allowed to wear make-up until we were16, and then she'd laugh hysterically and say we "looked like clowns".

I lost my dear, darling husband recently, in the most horrific way, and she made it all about her, (wailing, gnashing of teeth, "he was like a son to us!") yet couldn't be arsed to attend the funeral or even to send flowers. She doesn't speak to me now.

Over the years, my sisters and I have had conversations with her about her hurtful behaviour, which results in her sulking for 2 years.

The point I'm trying to make Arrow, is that she's had all her adult life to change, and has seen how much her behaviour hurts others. So it's unlikely that your DP will change either.

[SelfLoathing]

Basic rules for dealing with narcs: Shag them senseless, but do not move in with them, do not do their housework, do not lend them money, do not marry them and do not have children with them. Never, ever tell them that you love them and want a life together. A narc must be kept at arm's length, psychologically speaking.

People with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) are something of a specialised subject for me as I was in love obsessively limerent about one for years. I've read tons on the subject.

The above advice is bang on the money. It is absolutely perfect and correct. The problem is that to do that (essentially keep yourself emotionally distant) you need a degree of rationality and a lack of emotional involvement.

If you were rational and not emotionally involved, you would walk away. It is only because the Narcissist has you hooked emotionally very early on that you stay.

So its a paradox. Yes you can manage a relationship with a pw NPD if you keep them at arms length but if you are capable of doing that, you wouldn't want a relationship with them in the first place.

The only real hope for a future is that they become self aware and seek psychiatric treatment - but even that has limited success - because it's not amenable to "a cure" as such.

[aLeafFalls]

I was with a narc for nearly 20 years. I won't ever truly recover, far too much damage has been done.

I'm having counselling, which helps.

If he'd drawn up a plan "How to destroy aLeafFalls" he couldn't have done a better job.

Get away from him. You're being drawn in by him, even though you know he'll be so bad for you. He'll devour you, you're not a real person to him. No-one is, not even his own son. You won't be able to help his son when you've been damaged by the narc.

[lolo14]

I was with a narcissist for barely a year and he tried to destroy me mentally. It's taken four years and counselling to come out the other side. Save yourself and your sanity and liberate yourself from this potentially destructive partnership.

[groovergirl]

If you really do fancy him to distraction, keep him as a casual boyfriend for a year or so. Go out, have fun with him and the DS, then go home to your own life.

Basic rules for dealing with narcs: Shag them senseless, but do not move in with them, do not do their housework, do not lend them money, do not marry them and do not have children with them. Never, ever tell them that you love them and want a life together. A narc must be kept at arm's length, psychologically speaking.

Let the love affair run its tantalising course. No need to make it permanent.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

There is no way of being in a loving relationship with a narc. No amount of love in the world can fill a narc's need.

If you have no children. Walk away OP. Because loving a narc is the road to no town.

[MistressDeeCee]

No way would I move in with a Narc. I spent 7 years with one and could kick myself that I didnt walk away after 1 year. "Attractive, intellectual, often kind and funny" yes thats how they rope you in, and then you hang around after they've revealed their true face because the man you knew initially, you want him back. When they think you're going to walk out, you'll get flashes of kind and funny etc but it doesn't last. Selfish, egotistical, over-prideful, scornful, always have to "win". They secretly and slyly destroy your reputation to others (there are always others who also view the Narc as attractive, intellectual, kind and funny), and then they aim to destroy you. Death by a thousand knives n all that. Even when I left him I thought about him for years afterwards, they can be very charming, are normally very handsome, and thats part of the pull you feel.

I run a mile from any Narc tendencies now, being with one is like being bled dry. You are only useful to them if you submerge your personality into theirs - so they can scorn you and be disdainful of you. They never take your feelings about anything at all into account. Its a rotten life. They're empty inside so have nothing to give to you or share with you

He keeps an eye on his ex? Not surprised. Especially if she was the one who walked out, he will hate her forever. But if he ever got the chance, even if he is with you he will get close to her again and then idolise her, setting her up for a fall. Narcs never forget, they thrive on revenge. Id say get out, and be alert to anything he may try because they are extremely spiteful.

goddessofsmallthings is on point