Left Emotionally Abusive DH but didn’t expect this, how to cope?

[LeastOriginalUsername]

I have NC in case anything here is identifying. I’m trying to neither ramble, nor drip feed, hope it’s clear.

I was with DH for 25 years, suffered from his controlling behaviour and EA for an increasingly large part of this time. DD (18) & I have always been close; but DD and DH have had a pretty fractured relationship due to his EA throughout her life. I’m deeply ashamed that I allowed that to happen, and it was the finally the catalyst for me to leave him.

After a couple of false starts I left 3 months ago with DD, telling him I just didn’t want our relationship anymore; really didn’t want to confront him with the horrible truth of just how shit he made both of us feel on a regular basis . Almost overnight we both started to feel better; not walking on eggshells the whole time meant we could take pleasure in the simplest things. I wasn’t naïve enough to think our problems were over, but was sure this heralded a new beginning for us both.

At the time we left DD was a little anxious over how visits to DF. She has been visiting weekly or so at his suggestion/insistence but with increasingly levels of anxiety about the visits and how clingy he has become.

Fast forward to two weeks ago; STBXH diagnosed with cancer. As yet we are unaware of the extent and therefore treatment options; he doesn’t have any physical symptoms yet. He is by nature a worrier/pessimist and I am accompanying to appointments, and supporting him best I can. I appreciate how stressful this is for him, and for the record, I do care. I’m also urging him to increase his support network.

However, this is where the real problem arises - the diagnosis appears to have given him licence to revert to his controlling ways. He is leaning heavily on both of us emotionally; I reckon I can hack that for a bit, but I absolutely don’t want DD to suffer further. He isn’t particularly close to family and friends, but has categorically stated that he only wants the support of DD and I, no-one else, including professionals. If we text, it’s why didn’t we call; if we call, it’s why didn’t we visit; if we visit, why can’t we stay longer, each with him becoming visibly upset. For example he called last week very uptight; I mentioned that DD didn’t look like she was dealing with things very well, and that he couldn’t use her as a crutch. He started kicking off, called her mobile, demanded that she speak to him and arrange a visit as “I’m f*ing ill!” .

Please wise MNetters, help me find a solution to retaining some distance with STBXH and keeping both DD and I able to cope.

[pocketsaviour]

You need to cut all of your own contact with him - you owe this cunt nothing - and concentrate on your DD.

You need to explain to her that her dad is an abuser, and show her how he has been abusing both of you for the whole length of her life. (I get the impression you have been shielding her from this, with the best of motives, but she needs to know the way he has behaved is NOT acceptable - or she will end up patterning her own relationships on your deeply dysfunctional marriage.)

Getting her counselling would be a good step. Is she still in education - can school or college help with support? If not, seek a referral from her GP.

It may also help her to read Why Does He Do That (about abusive partners) and/or If You Had Controlling Parents (probably more immediately relevant for her.)

For yourself, have you looked at doing the Freedom Programme? You still seem to feel as if you have obligations to this waste of space, which you do not, and the programme could help you reset your boundaries in a healthy way.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I'm not going to type the post I really want to because it'd probably get deleted and me put on the GinTowers Naughty Step. Suffice to say, if you know that quote by Victor Lewis Smith, you can probably reverse engineer to my thoughts about this twunt.

I'll just chime in with another vote for "illness is no excuse".